1. National lockdown
‘NOW is the time to take action because there is no alternative, so from Thursday…’
2. Starting your essay
Do your entire essay the night before the Friday due date for the low, low price of your mental and physical health! With deals like this, there’s no reason not to leave it til today.
3. The washing up
Both you and your flatmates hate the smell of old ketchup but washing up right away is for lame nerds, so wait until everyone you live with resents you and do it then.
4. Calling your mother
Keep her on her toes. Make her wait.
5. Finishing off your spring onions
Spring onions: the biggest scam of modern times. Why do they sell them in such big bunches? What kind of person needs that many of them in one go? All you want is just one for the top of your instant ramen but here you are, stuck eating spring onions til what feels like the end of time and regretting every decision you’ve ever made that lead up to this moment. Days and days of adding them to everything blur into one and you eventually give up, putting them deep down in the vegetable drawer with all that scary brown juice. The birds get back to singing, the sky looks bluer than it ever has, and you finally feel like yourself again. You convince yourself that you’ll get back to them later but you know full well that they’ll be off once you do. It’s just one of those universal truths that we all try and convince ourselves isn’t inevitable.
6. Washing your bed sheets
It’s 2020, how isn’t there an easier way to put on a duvet cover…
7. Quit that bad habit
Monday is such a classic day to start a new ‘lifestyle’. Don’t be a basic bitch and give up the only thing that brings you joy in life on a Thursday instead.