Trump opposes Biden victory: “It says 270 votes to win, not 284”

Outrage in the orange-house tonight as Donny the Tangerine claims Biden ‘overshot the target’. In his most recent public address, former president Trump expressed defiance and befuddlement at the electoral vote result: ‘These are deceitful people folks, nobody told me that you had to get 284 votes to win, it was always 270. 270 was the goal, Biden and his team completely overshot the goal. This is the work of some sad sad losers.’

Despite this, Biden’s legal team seem pretty confident that his majority of electoral college votes is in fact a good thing. The Whip spoke to a suit drenched in champagne for more details: “Yeaaaayeah we did it- Kamala pass the dust- fucking hell, what’s he saying? my god, we are gonna get so fucking paralysed- what’s that bar called with the naked Parisian- lets fucking goo, where’s my Amex”

Trump and his team have expressed an adamant standpoint that this result will be rectified through a recount of the votes done solely by Donald himself. Reportedly he is currently sat in the Oval office colouring in a map of the United States and registering all the different shapes.

“Nobody knows numbers like me people. I’ve been known to count to at least 1000 off the top of my head with no calculator needed.” The recount is predicted to take around four years to complete; Biden will be standing in for Trump in the meantime until this matter is resolved.