“What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?” boy asks Will’s fresher who didn’t go to private school

The game’s afoot: cuffing season is upon us. As the days grow shorter than our patience, many take to Tinder, swiping till their fingers become hardened, bloodied and calloused. Others opt for Hinge with its cringe inducing prompts and Wizkid algorithms. But here at The Whip we favour the good old-fashioned method of just going over and asking them out.

So, in a Whip exclusive we spoke to first year student Mungo Radley-Periguino who propositioned a somewhat out of place Wills fresher. We asked him to share some of his wisdom with our readers.

“Not going to lie when you look like I do how can you expect not to pull? You have to look good, otherwise the birds you shift will be totally butters. Have a filthy mullet, it’s a well-known fact that yatties go crazy for them. A cartilage piercing is another must: the more infected the better.”

He proceeded to explain how he asked out this particular girl. “I saw her from a distance and could tell she wanted it but I had a look to see if she was wearing a ring. Not a wedding ring of course but a signet ring. To my absolute bafflement she wasn’t but she was alright so I approached anyway and said my famous line.”

Unfortunately, in this case the girl wasn’t interested; however we’re sure Mungo’s bravery can inspire all of us to follow in his footsteps in the future. Join us next week to find out how it goes when using his infamous “Do you come here often?” line at his next trip to the sexual health clinic.