Handshakes, shared cigarettes and 4 other forms of bioweaponry

The Whip has decided to delve into the everyday germ-spreading that have recently spawned into new of biological warfare, bringing to attention previously mediocre interactions that are now close to homicidal.

  1. Handshakes

Uh oh! The big dick energy from your deliberately crushing handshake has now expired. If you listen closely you can hear the quiet sobbing of keen networking event attendees. Sorry guys, you’ll have to suffice with a Herculean Zoom call introduction, or maybe experiment with an intellectual bookcase background if you’re super keen – make sure that your collection of Ben Shapiro’s greatest works are in full show, oh and Tomi Lahren’s autobiography to show that you respect women. Hope you get that online internship!

  1. Sharing cigarettes

Social smokers have been rising each morning dismayed anew to be spending another day not freeloading off a dedicated smoker’s ciggy. Tantrums from this breed of smoker have been erupting every so often around Bristol, particularly outside of clubs but it’s awkward because no one even goes there anymore. Hang in there.

  1. The Questionable Kitchen Tea Towel 

The questionable tea towel is every flat kitchen’s staple feature. In these times, the communal use of a tea towel can be likened to a cold-war era missile in its impact. Probably time to give it a wash.

  1. The Questionable Bathroom Hand Towel

The QTT’s slightly damper cousin.

  1. The cereal box game at your illegal gathering

Ah, the cereal box game; what once was an innocent post-dinner party favourite has now been recruited into 2020’s intricate ballet of biological warfare. The game, which involves the taking-in-turns to pick up an empty cereal box from the ground using only your mouth, ought to be avoided. Same goes for suck and blow – the irritatingly American version.

  1. Getting with people

The path from doing this to passing on germs is, honestly, not an arduous one to forge. But if you’re worried about a risky recession in your sexual stock market, not to fret! Make sure you produce a backlog of Hinge dates over the lockdown period so that you’re ready to rumble as soon as Boris says so!