Rugby thirds angered after Covid restrictions force them to drink Fosters rather than each other’s piss

Covid has hit everyone hard and, as we know, the bigger you are the harder you fall. Unfortunately for them, the UOB rugby team is mostly comprised of absolute units. These mountains of men were first disappointed to learn that their trainings and games had been taken from them, despite other lesser sports still managing to squeeze in sessions. But now many of them think the restrictions have gone too far, with new measures stating that the consumption of human urine may not be as hygienic as once thought.

Thirds captain Edward Dent is credited with the genius decision to substitute out the filthy hazing method with a similar watery foul-tasting broth: Fosters. However, this decision has sparked some controversy within the group since some members feel that it is too cruel to force one another to partake in such a vile beverage. Here is what Harry Thatcher ( Second Team prop) had to say about the change:

“So Shanks hands me a crisp yellow-tinted pint glass and yells at me to chop it, muscle memory kicks in and it’s down my throat in seconds. Imagine my surprise when instead of the warm musky liquid I’m used to, its fucking Fosters! I felt so dirty — like who does that to someone? Is it meant to be a joke? Because I know I was not laughing”.

My heart goes out to all the piss-drinkers suffering through this and I hope a return to normality is soon.