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Climate change cancelled! Scientists discover new sub-zero temperatures in the ASS

‘The library is so cold that global temperatures have plateaued’

Scientists, environmental activists and the last 3 polar bears have flocked from around the world to Bristol as Climatology professor Dr. Anika Malik declares climate change cancelled.

By studying the temperature of the Bristol University’s Arts and Social Sciences library, she discovered that the library was so cold, it had offset global warming. Scientists in the North and South poles have confirmed that ice caps have been miraculously reforming all thanks to the ASS.

We spoke to Dr. Malik, “This library is so bloody cold that global temperatures have plateaued. Sea levels have been lowering! It’s a miracle! Thank god for poor temperature management in the ASS – it’s saved humanity as we know it!”

This has not stopped the hoards of shivering students that still file into the library today. Undeterred by the sub-zero temperatures, students have been innovative in combating the harsh climate. Through passive aggressive Depop messages using vernacular such as  “hun”, “angel” and “babe”, students have cultivated a powerful, internal fire, that has kept them nice and toasty in this trying time, all the while getting good deals on the hottest new trends!

We asked Greta Thunburg what she thought of climate change being cancelled because of a cold library in Bristol but she refused to comment.

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