Bristol UK

Timpson’s to be recognised as key workers

Pianists also demanding recognition

Following much heated debate, this morning it was finally announced by the local MP that Timpson’s and other locksmiths would be recognised as key workers.

There is much speculation as to what caused the bill to be put into place with commentators suggesting the motion came after Boris lost his keys after a night out in Wandsworth and was locked out of Number 10, having to speed dial one of his mistresses for a place to stay.

Others suggest the change came after a senior cabinet member lost his spare set of keys to his pair of fluffy handcuffs, resulting in him spending two days gagged and cuffed to the bed whilst his husband frantically searched Youtube for a tutorial on how to pick a lock using a hairclip.

Although appreciative of the support, employees of Timpsons have declared that they are actually quite annoyed now that they have to go back to work and don’t get to stay furloughed at home.

After this change in policy there is much speculation as to which industry will be the next to be recognised as essential. Discussions are currently in place as to whether pianists should also be recognised as key workers too. More information to follow.

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