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Bristol UK

Boy who wears nail varnish still raging misogynist

Carrying around a battered copy of The Second Sex won’t help either

Remarkably, boy wearing nail varnish is still subject to the heavy hammer bore by toxic masculinity despite his greatest efforts. We met up with Harry Piles, who killed us softly when he told us, “Wearing nail varnish is great because I get to look vibey in my mirror selfies.”

Piles, who amongst wearing nail varnish is also esteemed for having never heard of foreplay, takes pride in his commitment to breaking down the thick, thick walls that define emasculation. “I’ve just finished Call Me By Your Name have you heard of it? It moved me, big time.” Once he finishes up outlining the entirety of his surface-level pop culture knowledge, Piles boasts his self-awareness: “I’m quite different to other guys, like, I’m definitely 100% feminist.”

Piles, who was wearing head-to-toe Carhartt when we interviewed him, then contemplates his dating history. “Yeah my ex-girlfriend didn’t understand I had to just, like, figure some things out.” Piles explains the troubled thoughts and chronic identity crises that led him down the adulterous path. The initial cheat, at a Mac Demarco concert, sent him spiralling into his high infidelity. “It wasn’t my finest moment but in hindsight nothing really matters on this big floating rock we call Earth. Also my ex had hair on her arms which is kind of fucked up anyway.”

The Whip concludes that Piles is a specimen that John Green could only ever dream of concocting in his literary laboratory. However, heavy is the hand that wears the nail varnish, so we can’t slate Piles for his stoic attempt at political correctness. That being said ladies, we’d steer clear as he will probably give you chlamydia, or if not, definitely a UTI.

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