With its sub-zero storage needs, the question of where and how to store the Pfizer vaccine has been puzzling politicians and medical experts alike in recent weeks. However, in a significant Covid breakthrough, The Whip can report one group of UoB second years have offered the vaccine a home in their Siberian-esque student house, in a bid to save both cash and humanity.
“We were wondering why it was colder than usual,” said Redland resident, Lily Parker, “when we realised someone had set the thermostat to -74 degrees – classic us! Initially, we were pretty gassed, temperature’s that low and you’re practically making back your bill money.”
The shivering student continued, “Then the penny dropped. Minus 70: the number we’d all been reading about, the promised land. We got Hancock on the line and offered to take all the vaccines he could get his sweaty, slimy hands on. Now, we’ve got 10 million doses in the hall, with 40 million planned for the landing by spring!”
The Bristol students have such lack of faith in their insulation, they’re expanding, hoping to secure a liquid nitrogen contract for the downstairs toilet by next winter.
There is a hope this frosty philanthropy will alter negative public perception of students when it comes to COVID, but the scrimping second years did concede, with Christmas round the corner, they would be willing to abuse their access to the vaccine in order to get “what we want.”
Indeed, Tom Jenkins, a middle-floor, loser resident, commented on the prospect of a quid pro quo between him and his Grandmother, with a PS5 firmly on his Xmas Wishlist and his diabetic Gran “absolutely gagging” for the lifesaving medication.
Scared and confused, The Whip left the premises immediately.