Confused hedonist dedicates 6-day bender to ‘Madonna’

‘I just wanted to Justify My Love’

As news broke last week of the death of Diego Maradona, football fans and party lovers across the world came together in remembrance of an icon and a troubled hero.

Celebrations of his life continued over the weekend as The Whip learned of a more unconventional tribute occurring right here in Hyde Park, which saw a second year Politics student retrospectively justify his 6 day bender to honour, in his own words, “my hero, rest in peace Madonna”.

The Whip spoke exclusively to well-meaning mourner, Barry Noeclew, about his expression of grief.

“What can I say? I just wanted to Justify My Love. We all make mistakes and Vogue is one of my favourite songs,” said the second year Politics student, who hadn’t heard of Diego Maradona until people pulled him up on his mistake.

“I really think Madonna should think about rebranding herself, because they just sound too similar. You know, if I’ve made the mistake, think how many other thought-deprived nonsense spouters made the same one?”

Noeclew went on to tell us about his good friend Dick Forebrayns, who laid a wreath outside the church next to OneStop as a misguided tribute to Medal of Honour, his favourite game, which he had also got confused with the Argentine legend.

“When you say all their names very quickly, it’s hard to tell the difference, it’s not until you write all three names down that you realise how big a mistake we both made. In the end we were awake for 100 straight hours, paintballed a Vauxhall Corsa and performed a pitch perfect rendition of Islands in the Stream, so it’s probably what all three of them would have wanted.”

The Whip can confirm that the developers of Medal of Honour were quick to distance themselves from Noeclew and Forebrayns, while Madonna’s team refused to comment on the phone and promptly Hung Up.

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