Boris Johnson’s introduction of the new tier system has caused havoc amongst bakers, the PM stipulating “if you must bake, do. But please don’t bake”. Speculation about tiered policies has hit the cake world by storm. Coffee and Walnut was hit the worst – the 11 – by – 15 incher reportedly toppled at the news – even the icing was in tiers.
Great British Bake Off plans have also been curtailed. Contestants are forced to replace the architecturally challenging tier cake building with muffin-making. Another muffin, Paul Hollywood, spoke out against the changes, deploring that many frontrunners have been banned from the tent and been encouraged to masterbake at home.
To help ease tensions and resolve confusion, The Whip has drawn up a translation of the tier system for every baker’s kneads.
Tier 1: Chocolate Gateaux– something for everyone. The Bruce Bogtrotter of restrictions. Can even lick your friends’ fingers after consumption.
Tier 2: Lemon Drizzle – tastes a bit like Toilet Duck, but the sugar glaze cleanses the little-boys-room palette. Can also enjoy at a cheeky sleepover.
Tier 3: Malt Loaf – a reprehensible crime against baked goods. Even though it reminds you of your nan, do not bring this near her!! We can see why this would suffer from a case of “soggy bottom”. (N.B. Bristol students do not confuse this with the xanax-induced oopsy poopsy)