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“But I love exploiting workers too!” Jeff Bezos attempts to soften image with Santa comparison

December is a truly magical time of the year. With the promise of snowfall and a socially distanced Christmas dinner on the horizon, our worries disappear faster than independent retailers from the high streets; it’s almost enough to bring a tear to your eye.

And who better to capitalise on this flurry of bonhomie than the 21st century’s very own St Nick, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos: as much of a giver of gifts, spreader of joy, and practitioner of dubious workplace practices as the man in red himself.

Mr. Bezos cordially invited us to the ‘North Pole’ to show us around his ‘grotto’, as he insisted on calling his lifeless warehouse on the outskirts of Dunfermline industrial park…

“Ho Ho Ho!” chuckled the CEO, “I love seeing how hard our ‘little elves’ are working to spread some Christmas cheer this time of year!”

As he motioned towards a production line of exhausted minimum wage employees, he stopped to recount the background behind his festive transformation…

“To be honest, Santa’s business model was always my inspiration for Amazon” he explained, “a man free of industrial regulations, free to exploit workers with long hours and next to no pay, and with the adoration of the public behind him, hell it was like looking in a mirror!”

He paused for breath, gazing onto the factory floor. “Well, guess it’s nearly time to be getting the sleigh ready…”

As he glared angrily at the logistics department, two truck drivers sprinted to their vehicles.

One can only hope that life will improve for “Santa’s elves” come December 26th….

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