Wi Fi was found guilty for torture and crimes against humanity in the International Court of Justice this morning after a long and arduous trial.
The prosecutors were a collective of students’ parents, who somehow managed to all be barristers, mostly upper-middle class, and entirely used to super fast fibre optic broadband. So fast that papa’s money can be wired to the account before one even need to ask!
Cries for Wi Fi’s demise were omnipresent in student homes across the country. Proof of torture and crimes against humanity was put forward by the prosecutors in the form of internet data speeds and microphones, picking up shrieks of pain and anger and live reactions such as “this is killing me!”, “I’d rather be waterboarded” and “it’s taking ages for my porn… I mean seminars to load!”
The campaign was fierce, the defendant, Fi, argued that if students’ Netflix binge habits and Tiktok addiction wasn’t so rife within their “disgusting little dwellings”, the internet would be fine.
As much as Mx. Fi did have a decent case, the jury found it hard to sympathise due to lack of a connection.