Leeds University to become first ‘Air Free’ campus in attempt to curb Coronavirus spread

After nailing its 2020/21 goal of getting every student to question paying £9000 a year to talk to a grainy apparition of a balding academic on a Lenovo laptop, Leeds University has an exciting new initiative on the horizon. 

From the brains behind the successful, effective and hugely popular ‘Smoke Free’ campus we all know and love, comes an ‘Air Free’, and Covid safe, campus. 

Ever catch yourself feeling the need to breathe? Not with that pesky virus about! They’ll be no sneaking outside Eddy B for a cheeky puff of oxygen or trekking to the edge of campus for a drag of fresh gust. Using the same technology created to render the moon uninhabitable for humans, the air free campus will add Coronavirus to the long list of things not in university this term. 

The Whip received this statement from Leeds University, to announce their new initiative.

“At The University of Leeds, our student’s safety is our number five priority, after money, big cylinders of nonsense, cool new buildings and money. An air free campus is the exact sort of ingenuity we want to foster here at Shell Corp University of Leeds. We don’t know how the government hasn’t thought of it yet, it’s just so obvious!”

Free from in-person lectures, free from social events, free from joy, and now free from air, Leeds University boasts to be the first academic institution to transform entirely into a vacuum of misery. But at least you got a free plant and a chat about your mental health in time!