On Saturday afternoon the Government announced that London and much of the South East were being placed in the newest member of the ‘Botched Pandemic Response Cinematic Universe’, Coronavirus Tier 4.
While to the uneducated observer Tier 4 might look like another Lockdown, it isn’t because the Government said so… alright?
With the very spirit of Christmas now hanging in the balance, the people of Britain have been searching for a glimmer of hope, a fragment of festive joy and after much research we at The Whip couldn’t find any.
However, amongst the burgeoning turkey population in the South of England, there is cause for celebration. With Christmases across the region cancelled, millions of turkeys have been freed from their traditional roles, and the future for turkeys has never looked brighter.
The Whip caught up with human-turkey spokesperson Russel Sprouts, to hear how the news has positively impacted the turkey community.
“Turkeys have never been under any illusions that Christmas is when they’re at their most popular, they’re like Michael Bublé in that respect. But much like Michael Bublé, they exist throughout the rest of the year, and have ambitions beyond just the festive period.
“The relief is palpable – absolutely! They’ll be gobbling on the streets of Turkey Town tonight, of that I’m sure. We just hope that turkeys can seize this opportunity and try and reframe themselves as pets, pack animals or therapy animals – although our last therapy turkey went rogue at an orphanage and had to be incinerated…with a balsamic reduction.”
A blue Christmas for many this year, but think of the turkeys and those lumpy fleshy sack things they have on their necks and you can’t help but retch a bit.