Shoe Zone, Peacocks and Woolworths welcomed into the FTSE 100

In case you missed it, the stock market was temporarily brought to its plutocratic knees by a network of Redditors funneling shares into doomed business, GameStop. The seizure begged many questions, mainly, what if the next global financial crisis was caused by a sweaty teen in a cum-stained My Little Pony t-shirt? Imagine an economy where traditional Laissez-Faire or Keynesian approaches were discarded, and instead, the doctrine of 9Gag user FedoraTheExplorer_69 was upheld.

But what would this anarcho-capitalist society look like? Well, first, you’d be encouraged to sell your own nan for a packet of crisps — doesn’t even have to be a nice flavour, could be like an expired packet of Wotsits or something. Cryptocurrency would make entrepreneurs of us all and we’d see saddos like 4Chan user FurryFunTimes_420 come second on The Apprentice. The London Stock Exchange would smell like body odour and blueberry vapecloud. Yum!

But back to the matter at hand. Not to be bested in the global marketplace, Great British stock market wankers have spewed their neckbeard wonga into equally shite shops. The Whip chatted to some edgelord economists to find out more.

Chad, 34, mum’s shed said, ‘when I think of profitable items, I think of a puke green peplum dress. So I flitted through all the potential ateliers and fashion houses and landed on Peacocks. It’s where fast fashion meets supply teacher: I’ve tapped a gap in the market I think. The future of apparel starts here!’

‘Was also gonna invest in Sports Direct, to sink my teeth into the sock market. Then I considered Anne Summers because I think knickers would probably trade pretty well at the stocking exchange. Decided to settle with orthopedic shoes as we’ve got an ageing population, which means we’ve got a load of ancient feet — which reminds me, pumice stones are my next major investment. Anyway, you know where the old buy their crep from? ShoeZone. I’m gonna be filthy rich!”

After a whistlestop tour through high street shops that have probably gone into administration, we interviewed Gremlin, 17, atop an anime body pillow:

‘I see real promise with this whole Woolworths enterprise. A shop that sells everything from Davina McCall’s exercise DVD to Michelle McManus’ exercise DVD? That’s big money mate! If you whacked something like that online you’d be singing to the tune of, oh I dunno, approximately £143.6 billion. Some madman should give it a go.’

After explaining that Woolies had shut its doors decades ago, Gremlin responded: ‘well, there’s always JJB Sports.