Responsible student establishes one-way system at illegal rave orgy

With a recent wave of law-breaking clandestine club nights coming to the attention of the rozzers, those wishing to throw a Covid friendly party (i.e. a party at which everyone will become intimately friendly with Covid by catching it) are on the lookout for ways to avoid scrutiny and potentially lessen punitive financial action.

One such method, already adopted by many in the retail industry, and briefly seen in pubs during the Great Pub Revival of June 2020 to November 2020, is the one-way system. A fool proof system that can in no way be circumvented and is completely and unequivocally effective, the one-way system was invented by Jules One-Way in 1884 after he walked directly into an oncoming shire horse. The system has seen a recent return to prominence thanks to the invention of the water slide and the popularity of Swedish tat emporium Ikea, both of which owe their continued relevance to the ingenuity of Jules One-Way.

Organiser of Illegal rave orgy night ‘DJs n BJs’, Olivia One-Way (no relation), was desperate to avoid a similar fate to ‘The Covid Arms’ in Birmingham and ‘The Abandoned Factory full of Stinky Crusties’ in Bristol, that saw organisers slapped and tickled with a £10,000 fine. The Whip caught up with Olivia to hear about her thoughtful cautionary plans.

“So basically right, I want to rave, I want to rave hard, I want to rave now, but most importantly, I want to rave safely. With all this Covid knocking about, I want to be able to have sex with strangers and gobble pellets like a horny tortoise, all with an air of consideration and care. So starting from our next illegal rave – inside the freezer of an abandoned vegan butchers in Chegton-On-The-Wold – we’ll have a strict one way system in the makeshift club that will criss-cross back and forth across the room. Also everyone will have to wear facemasks while they put their genitals through holes in the wall. Oh, and you have to sanitise your hands when you come in but not when you leave.”                 

The Whip reached out to Scotland Yard for comment but forgot to put a stamp on our letter so we don’t think they got it.