Russia’s Sputnik V vaccine has recently been found to be a mere shot of the student-favourite budget brand of vodka, Chekov.
This shocking discovery was made after Russia’s presidential medical team’s advice for the vaccine to be “put in the tricep” was misheard to be “Putin, try a sip”. The unsuspecting dictator ingested the entire syringe, squirting its contents into his mouth, a sight comparable to an absinthe shot being sinked in Magaluf. Within seconds he was reportedly dancing with no inhibitions and begging strangers for a ciggy before finally passing out in a pool of his own sick.
The verdict of those who witnessed the ordeal was unanimous by medical professionals and laypeople alike; it was the work of Chekov. No wonder the gulags, whose residents had been subject to the vaccine’s testing trials, had been rumoured to start resembling a Wednesday night at Lizard Lounge.
This news comes shortly after it emerged in Germany that the Pfizer vaccine is merely schnitzel in liquid form, and the Oxford AstraZeneca vaccine is just a shot of the Tawny Port your dad’s been aging in the cellar of your Surrey home since the nineties.