Leeds alumni failing to make impact on placement

“He’s like that light-flash machine from Men in Black”

Making your mark in the workplace is a well-known challenge for new employees. How do you ensure people know who you are? Call you the right name? Don’t mistake you for a well-dressed lamppost?

A plethora of literature exists on this very subject. Books with titles such as ‘How to climb your way to the top and make people hate you on the way’ and ’10 secrets of success: the main secret is to have a lot of money’. Books dictated by people with names like Brunk Dunkley and Flip McGivern who have carved lucrative careers in the vacuous business literature business.

But one new starter, or, in this case, new Starmer, has clearly not sought out any advice from such self-help gurus and is floundering like a tiny dog in a massive pond. Ex-Leeds student Sir Keir Starmer has suffered the same fate as many a recent graduate and accepted the first job offer that came his way, as Leader of the Opposition, despite clearly having no real interest or aptitude for the role. The Whip caught up with one of Sir Keir’s new colleagues, the MP for Polzance West and Shadow Minister for Shawarma and Other Rotating Meats, Yvonne Salad, to hear more about Sir Keir’s first few weeks.

“Well when he first arrived at the office, we all thought that someone’s Uncle was here to take them to a Coldplay gig, but it turns out he’s the new Leader of the Labour Party – so that certainly came as a shock.”

“He has been very visible, and keeps throwing press conferences and saying lots of very important sounding things, but as soon as he’s done saying them, I immediately forget who he is and where I am. He’s like that light-flash machine from Men in Black that makes you forget everything but in human form.”

We here at The Whip of course wish Leeds alumni the greatest of success, but next time we’ll see if Chris Pine is making another Wonder Woman, he was here for a semester abroad wasn’t he?

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