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‘I’m saving myself for someone who will let me have sex with them’ declares particularly pious ChristianSoc member

Here we are: March. Lent is here, strangling us with the unrealistic expectations we’ve put on ourselves. Naturally, those who have quit smoking have long since decided that actually, it’s a more sensible idea to stop after graduating. Those who have redownloaded Strava are telling themselves they can easily run their lent 30k on the last day…

Some are, however, still going strong with their resolutions. The Whip speaks to one such fella, 3rd year ChristianSoc member Felix Morris, who recently declared he will be abstaining from the filthy act of lovemaking this lent or until he finds somebody who will let him have sex with them, whichever comes sooner.

“I’ve been doing it to become closer to Jesus” he tells our reporter “in fact I’m so close to him at the moment I can feel him deep inside me. It feels really good”

When asked whether he was struggling with his newfound ‘restrictions’, he revealed that it wasn’t actually as easy as one might presume: “Admittedly I am quite horny, but then again, the devil had horns and let’s be honest he was a bit of a tosser so I’m trying to change that. And to answer your question, no I haven’t had any interested parties to bat off yet but as soon as I go out with my cross earring in well… God help me”

Felix’s adios to intercourse is not his first foray into abstinence, attempting to quit blasphemous language last year. “Now that really was a rewarding experience, it really changed my life. But oh my God I’m desperate for a shag. Jesus Christ.”

Well, we at The Whip wish Felix the best of luck with his angelic endeavours.

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