Fuck boy’s deceptive brother, the ever-adored soft boy, makes his Hinge debut with fridge tally category “hinge minge”, suitably placed next to “whose cooking good looking” and “bin day sin day” rota. His progressive flatmate, Sam Woke, whistleblowed the matter.
“It’s all a bit of fun really” blows Woke, “when he’s finished, or rather, arrived, he offers his date a cup of tea, hurries over to the fridge and ticks her off like you would on bin day!” he chuckles. “It’s not like he’s objectifying them, it’s just a bit of second tier irony! After all, all storms pass aha”.
Apparently, the trick is to seduce your date with some engaging and enriching Hinge coquetry, such as “I like that you’re depressed, that’s fun” and “you kind of look like my cousin”. The staunch feminist reaches his poetic climax when he tells his date “your breasts look like Finish All-In-One capsules, but like, in an attractive way”. The following anti-climax is made after rhyming the safe word “duckduckgoose” with “you’re so loose”, which surprisingly was not met with the same enthusiasm.
You might be concerned about this Hinge Lothario, but rest assured, he is, according to Woke, “super feminist, he loves his mum and can recite Judith Butler’s Bodies That Matter. Oh, and he only watches ethical porn from a site called pOrNhÜb”.
Since Woke spoke out about the chart, his flatmate has attempted to get in touch with Hinge’s PR team to put ‘Hinge minge’ as the sales pitch for the online dating site. He has since received a lifelong ban from the app, alongside a message: “remember, not all nice guys finish last”.