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Prince Andrew Rejected from Teen First Dates

With Harry and Meghan’s fresh allegations of bullying from the palace, and Prince Phillip undergoing his 20715th stint in hospital, it’s safe to say that 2021 is no easy time to be a British royal. However, it seems that the tragedies continue for Buckingham palace this week, as reports have flooded in that former heir and current nonce-in-exile HRH Prince Andrew has experienced the cruel sting of rejection from none other than his favourite channel 4 programme, Teen First Dates.

“I’m absolutely devastated”, sobbed the comfortingly sweat-less prince, “I really thought this was my best shot at true love…well, err, I mean aside from Fergie and all the others of course, but they were just temporary flings, everybody knows where my true loyalties lie…”

“I’d even spent the past month brushing up on my youth speak, isn’t it brother?” he continued, “All that hard work for nothing, guess I’ll have to return that vintage north face puffer at some point”.

When approached for comment, Teen First Dates producer Chloe Huang responded, “While clearly, we knew something was off from the get-go, it just became rather sad after a while,” sighed the weary producer…

“The fact that his ideal date venue was the Woking pizza express was probably our first hint,” continued Huang, “but after repeatedly trying to fool us with false noses and different outfits, it just felt like he was taking the piss! I mean how desperate can one man be to get on this show?”

Bloodied but unbowed, the Duke of York informed our correspondent that he aims to give his application one final shot, before exploring the option of becoming a Netflix original star as a plan B, commenting that “if Harry and Meghan can do it, why the fuck can’t I?”.

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