England reached its first major milestone in the gradual return to pre-pandemic normality today, as schools up and down the country opened their doors to the relief of parents of thick kids.
A notable absence from the government’s ‘roadmap for recovery’ has been any concrete guarantees for that most overlooked educational subculture; the University student. With little information available as to when and in what capacity students might one day be able to avoid answering seminar questions in glorious 3D, final year Geography student Anthony Arctica simply cannot avoid the allure of in person teaching and hatched a cunning plan. We caught up with them to find out more.
“I haven’t had in-person teaching in almost an entire year now. I’m not annoyed! Don’t make me come across as annoyed in your article – not that anyone reads them anyway, people only care about the headline. I understand the sacrifices everyone has had to make. My Uncle Terry sacrifices a pig to the Apollo, the Greek God of Plagues, every Thursday after The Chase, but he hasn’t had any luck yet.”
I heard that schools were coming back, and our student house is opposite a school, so I thought – Why the hell not! I traded clothes with a 16-year-old – nothing weird, I paid him £20 and bought him some ciggies too – and I spent the day living out my dreams of in-person education. I’ll be honest, they did cover quite a lot of stuff that I already knew, and a kid in year 7 called me an ‘Atlas Nonce’ when I was having a flick through one in the library, but to be honest it just took me back to my school days.’
The Whip have contacted West Yorkshire Constabulary and reported Mr Arctica to them.