This week the pandemic and accompanying governmental incompetence has been overlooked by the British press, instead the news has been saturated by an Oprah (off of Oprah) interview with Ed Sheeran (off of boring songs) and Rachel (off of Suits). If one man has contributed most to this failure of journalism, then it’s Piers Morgan, as he unashamedly questioned Rachel’s mental health, and achieved facial shades of fuschia hitherto unseen.
In light of his lack of journalistic integrity, OFCOM have reported over 10,000 complaints of graphic gammon imagery on Good Morning Britain, leading to Piers’ removal as co-presenter and almost certainly causing tears for Piers.
Popular queueing spot and part-time sandwich haunt Bakery 164, have decided to honour his demise with a new ‘special’ sandwich. The Whip got in touch with head baker, Mr. Pickard (yes, they’re run by the same people, WAKE UP!), to find out more.
“When I was watching Good Morning Britain, I was in Britain and it was before midday. As I sat there in my pants daydreaming about soft focaccia bread and Abergavenny goats’ cheese, I saw this tubby pink man ranting about something of very little consequence and immediately thought of my favourite type of Christmas meat – gammon. Then, like a bolt of lightning, I had an idea for a new sandwich, the ‘Piers Morgan’ special.
“As I ran to my sandwich lab, the idea began to grow in my head: mustard? No, too colourful. Cheese? No, too interesting. Salad? No, Piers wouldn’t eat that. Then, as I donned my lab coat and fastened my hair net to my scalp, the perfect recipe hit me.”
“White bread. Gammon. Salt. Bland, tasteless and not very good for you – like the man himself.”
Upon deciding on this recipe, Mr. Pickard began production of the ‘Piers Morgan’ special, adding extra salt for each time he walked off set or made inappropriate comments towards his female co-presenters.
The Whip can only speculate on the popularity as to the ‘Piers Morgan’ sandwich, but if the man’s popularity is anything to go by then perhaps Mr. Pickard has bitten off more than he can chew.