Inconspicuous! Dealer buys fleet of stretch limos to ensure social distancing

“Now my customers can pick up illicit substances in the midst of a pandemic with confidence!”

With the UK knee-deep in the third installment of the lockdown trilogy no one wanted, the Many Dealers of Leeds (no relation to the Merry Wives of Windsor) have had to hunt for ever more creative ways to keep the bags flowing and the Covid spread slowing. One dealer, who goes by the street-name ‘Medium Ken’ has taken that responsibility particularly seriously and recently purchased 10 stretch limos for each of his runners, whom he lovingly calls ‘Ken’s little boffins’. We caught up with Ken to hear more about this innovative development in narcotic delivery.

“I mean let’s start off by saying that there wouldn’t even be a pandemic if we didn’t have any 5G masts, let’s say that right away at the start ok.

“But while most people are yet to wake up and unplug from the twat-matrix as I call it, I have noticed a lot of my customers getting more and more paranoid as this hoaxdemic has re-spread like microwaved butter.

“At the end of the day dealing is a customer service game, if my customers aren’t happy, I’m not happy. To that end, I picked up these 10 stretch limos on a bulk deal from a guy who ran a bachelorette party business until a rogue bridesmaid seized control of one of the limos and blocked the EuroTunnel for 48 hours – the business never recovered.

“Now my customers can pick up illicit substances in the midst of a pandemic with confidence! We have a pulley system along the ceiling of the limo to keep the 2 metres distance and after each sale we let a pigeon covered in hand sanitizer fly around to sanitize the limo’s cabin.”

Whilst we cannot condone such a flagrant violation of Covid laws and indeed standard laws, we here at The Whip have been impressed with the ingenuity of the man known as ‘Medium Ken’.

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