‘You can’t erase our culture!’ Police set up protection around campus bacon statue

As Great Britain, a nation built on aversion to the truth masquerading as politeness and civility, wakes up to the chronic injustices faced by people the world over (many products of our colonial past) questions about our relationship with our history are rightly being asked. The most important question of course being ‘Why won’t anyone think of the statues in all this?!’

The conveniently distracting debate about whether big metal blokes are the best medium by which to express any country’s chequered history has finally turned its unfocused gaze towards the abstract. In an entirely unsurprising turn of events, our boys in blue (not to be confused with the cast of Avatar), have rallied round a cornerstone of their culture, the salty monument to the constabulary that is bacon.

We spoke with West Yorkshire Police Spokesfed Sergeant Hans Cuffs to ask about the motivation behind this protective police protest.

“As police we’re just scared you know. We feel like everyone is after us, and for what? All we’re doing each day is trying to protect people – by arresting them, infringing on their rights, and entrenching systemic inequality whilst demanding more intrusive powers. Why don’t people see that we have their best interests at heart?

“We finally decided to stand up for our heritage and form a protective barrier around the bacon statue on campus, taking ownership of a verbal stick that has too often been used to beat us, in much the same way we beat actual people with actual sticks. Despite no material threat to the statue and a grisly murder happening about 35 metres away, we decided that our vacuous gesture was important and necessary.”

The Whip HQ was broken into by a rival satirical news outlet over the weekend and despite catching the perpetrators on CCTV the West Yorkshire Constabulary have informed us that they must focus their efforts on more ‘Empty diversionary tactics.’

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