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Dissertation proving too stressful for Philip, 22

‘Surviving solely on modafinil, Amber Leaf roll ups and the Union Co-Op’s £1 coffees, it’s been a week of little sleep for Philip.’

Final year Classics student Philip Mountbatten-Windsor has learnt the hard way that a 12,000 word essay should not be left until the week before it’s due. Surviving solely on modafinil, Amber Leaf roll ups, and the Union Co-Op’s £1 coffees, it’s been a week of little sleep for Philip.

Snapped leaving Edward Boyle ten minutes before his dissertation deadline after an all-night library session, Philip was seen heading back to his £135/w castle on Ash Grove for some much-needed rest. Looking and smelling a bit like a dead pigeon, Philip’s physical condition should serve as a warning to anyone in their final year that leaving it until the last minute will stress you out so much that you resemble a badly drawn zombie. 

The Whip caught up with Phillip, 22, following his submission, having freshly showered and slept. Sporting a Nike gilet and a mullet, he informed us that even if he failed his dissertation and degree, he has some connections in high places that will sort him out with work post-Uni. We asked him how he had managed to so drastically transform his sickly appearance, to which he responded ‘⌇⟟⌰⟒⋏☊⟒ ⌿⎍⋏⊬ ⟒⏃⍀⏁⊑⌰⟟⋏☌’ before bursting into a swarm of bees. The Whip wishes him all the best in his future studies.

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