Struggling Clifton Stoke Bishop seller moves to dark web: sells foreign baccy, gram of ket, cursed 13th century amulet

“The endless vista that is the black market has admittedly forced me to put my business hat on”

Amongst many of lockdown’s negative externalities, of late we have begun to see our very own former Clifton & Stoke Bishop Ticket sellers taking the clandestine path to trading certain goods, and it ain’t so love-inn-ly!

One particular seller we spoke to, Mark Tor, has perpetuated victimhood from his lack of government furlough for what was virtually a full-time job, consisting of freelance club promoting, maintaining a thumping presence on the Facebook group and utilising rapid finger movements on ticket release countdowns. “Yeah, I was working my arse off.” he sighs.

As a result, Mark explains he was compelled to jump ship to the darkest depths of the delinquent, dark, well, web. “The endless vista that is the black market has admittedly forced me to put my business hat on. I’ve tried selling the standard bit of ketamine and foreign baccy, but, you won’t believe it, this place has got it all,” says Mark, shaking his head. 

“I need something they’ve never seen before, maybe get a bit of a Bristol USP brand image thang going – I’m thinking of carving out some Banksys from around Bristol and chucking them on there, some personalised skateboards, maybe even some hot air balloon memorabilia – see what will bite! It’s a thrilling place.”

However, the dark web’s regular merchants have reached out to The Whip to express their being mired in irritation at the gentrification occurring on their very own unindexed World Wide Web, at the hands of University of Bristol students. “There’s no room for that hippie crap here. We’ve got an image to uphold, and families to feed. We can’t risk being displaced by these bored “edgy” students looking to feed their individuality complexes. Get therapy.’ says one tenured dark web vendor.

Despite his embarking on an opportunity for potential economic prosperity, Mark reminisces on where he began. “The dark web’s not got everything. I’m nostalgic for that dose of wholesomeness that the CSBT provides through lost property posts, and the endless hilarious banter through “fake seller” comments.” he sniffles.

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