Bristol UK

Hypocrite: First year DJ committed to creating ‘progressive house’ agrees to live with Tory

A student DJ in Stoke Bishop has been accused of double, triple and quadruple standards this week after simultaneously reaffirming his progressive musical direction and announcing he’d signed a house with a fully fledged Conservative party member.

Maximillian Headroom, who currently resides in Badock, secured a soon to be twat-filled townhouse in Clifton village last Thursday. Sources close to the undergraduate have informed The Whip that he is worried the move will mean both his message and musical style are misinterpreted.

“It’s an absolute shambles” the first year Geography student explained in an interview on Friday. “I’m a forward thinking guy, open to everything – I like making positive change through music. You know, breaking boundaries. Though in hindsight, I think I broke a few too many of those in freshers week which is why I still have that horrible nickname and a severe lack of friends who don’t descend from aristocracy.”

“It’s fine. I’m sure I’ll survive. I’ll be bunking with Will and Hugo and the rest of the boys like that field trip to the Gobi Desert in year 8. I’m just worried this whole ‘living with Tories’ thing will affect my artistic career. You’ve seen my sets, I’m sick at mixing. Just not socially. Those two things shouldn’t have an impact on each other.”

Unfortunately, Max’s self-sabotage is starting to take its toll on his creative output.

“I don’t even know myself any more. First I’m making an EP. Then I’m making an LP. Then I’m telling people that the LP stands for ‘Labour Party’ so people stop bringing anti-austerity placards to my Lakota nights. It’s really off-putting to watch them bobbing around in the crowd.”

He concluded “I’ve slashed ticket prices too, literally making nothing now. Good thing Dad still is.”


‘They shouldn’t be here’: Badock fresher spots ‘suspicious teenager’ he didn’t go to school with in accommodation bar

A vigilant Badock fresher was congratulated by accommodation staff yesterday after sensibly reporting a shifty youth seen hanging around the Badock Bar.

Jonathan Battersea-Bloom, 18, identified the male as ‘suspicious’ after he was unable to remember him from any  educational institution he had previously attended.

Sources close to the undergraduate revealed he was able to spot the young person in question thanks to a copy of his trusty sixth-form yearbook. The Whip went to find out more.

“I never leave my room without the ol’ ‘Class of 2018/19’ exactly because of situations like this” explained Jonathan. “When I had that funny feeling something wasn’t right with that chap in the bar, it was a race against time,” he continued, flicking through the year book. “It’s like a more difficult game of Guess-Who, where everyone has a Habsburg jaw.”

Acting faster than any of his colleagues has brought about cross-unit praise in Badock.

“Good egg. He’s acted incredibly maturely – way beyond his years,” commented one warden. “If he hadn’t alerted us, god knows what could have happened. The families of our Badock intake have worked incredibly hard to make sure their children only know other children they already kind of know. Why do you think they sent them to Bristol?

“This so-called ‘teenager’ is a contaminant. He – it – could be from anywhere. Cheshire. Solihull. The Peak District” she said, spitting on the floor. “Shitholes.”