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Bristol

Uber holds first office party

Armed with Prius’, righteousness and a herculean tolerance of drunk teenagers, Uber drivers have finally been deemed ’employees’ by the Supreme Court. In the face of adversity, these humble sentinels of safety have toppled their goliath, reaching the state of ‘Ubermensch’, as predicted by Nietzche in the not-so-popular sequel to his magnum opus: Thus Spoke Zarathustra 2: Uber Drivers Strike Back.

In celebration, Uber HQ decided to have a party to welcome their new employees to their London office.

The air was thick with car freshener, Capital FM blared from the speakers and ‘Petrol Colladas’ were flowing. Many Skodas, after a few too many drinks, confessed their love to the elegant C-Class’s curvaceous figure and bountiful horsepower. Obviously, most were rejected, the sparks between them nothing more than electrical malfunctions.

Initially, there was reported to be clear division with the ‘Uber X’ and ‘XL’ crew facing off with the Mercedes-Benz driving, free water giving superstars of the ‘Exec’ and ‘Lux’ elite. Luckily, curtailing a Bolshevik-esque revolution, all the Ubers came together in dismay when a cyclist accidentally entered the party, provoking group hatred.

The get-together was abruptly cut short, as workplace RuPaul-inspired drag races and drifting competitions got out of hand. A night of ups and downs and incredible efficiency from hybrid engine technology, a definite party to remember.

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Bristol UK

‘I’m saving myself for someone who will let me have sex with them’ declares particularly pious ChristianSoc member

Here we are: March. Lent is here, strangling us with the unrealistic expectations we’ve put on ourselves. Naturally, those who have quit smoking have long since decided that actually, it’s a more sensible idea to stop after graduating. Those who have redownloaded Strava are telling themselves they can easily run their lent 30k on the last day…

Some are, however, still going strong with their resolutions. The Whip speaks to one such fella, 3rd year ChristianSoc member Felix Morris, who recently declared he will be abstaining from the filthy act of lovemaking this lent or until he finds somebody who will let him have sex with them, whichever comes sooner.

“I’ve been doing it to become closer to Jesus” he tells our reporter “in fact I’m so close to him at the moment I can feel him deep inside me. It feels really good”

When asked whether he was struggling with his newfound ‘restrictions’, he revealed that it wasn’t actually as easy as one might presume: “Admittedly I am quite horny, but then again, the devil had horns and let’s be honest he was a bit of a tosser so I’m trying to change that. And to answer your question, no I haven’t had any interested parties to bat off yet but as soon as I go out with my cross earring in well… God help me”

Felix’s adios to intercourse is not his first foray into abstinence, attempting to quit blasphemous language last year. “Now that really was a rewarding experience, it really changed my life. But oh my God I’m desperate for a shag. Jesus Christ.”

Well, we at The Whip wish Felix the best of luck with his angelic endeavours.

Categories
Bristol

Russian vaccine actually just shot of Chekov

Russia’s Sputnik V vaccine has recently been found to be a mere shot of the student-favourite budget brand of vodka, Chekov.

This shocking discovery was made after Russia’s presidential medical team’s advice for the vaccine to be “put in the tricep” was misheard to be “Putin, try a sip”. The unsuspecting dictator ingested the entire syringe, squirting its contents into his mouth, a sight comparable to an absinthe shot being sinked in Magaluf. Within seconds he was reportedly dancing with no inhibitions and begging strangers for a ciggy before finally passing out in a pool of his own sick.

The verdict of those who witnessed the ordeal was unanimous by medical professionals and laypeople alike; it was the work of Chekov. No wonder the gulags, whose residents had been subject to the vaccine’s testing trials, had been rumoured to start resembling a Wednesday night at Lizard Lounge.

This news comes shortly after it emerged in Germany that the Pfizer vaccine is merely schnitzel in liquid form, and the Oxford AstraZeneca vaccine is just a shot of the Tawny Port your dad’s been aging in the cellar of your Surrey home since the nineties.

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Bristol UK

Duke of Sussex renamed ‘Duke of Sex’ after second child announcement

Not long after Meghan and Harry announced their second pregnancy, the disgusted Royal family have taken revenge on the pair and renamed the historical County of Sussex, ‘Sex’.

As the couple rejoiced in sunny California, the mood in Balmoral was somber. The Whip exclusively reports that senior Royals met at the castle to discuss their ‘next move’ on the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. Camilla had long played with the idea of renaming counties as a joke, yet when she suggested it this time, the Queen’s eyes lit up at the thought of utterly embarrassing the love-infected young couple.

The announcement of the new county of Sex has had a mixed response so far. The likes of the Conservative government blindly have praised the Royals, calling it ‘the sickest prank of all time’ with Keir Starmer ‘standing by the government, but thinks more should be done’.

Much of the public, however, was outraged. County residents have reported ‘intense embarrassment’ as many institutions have now had to change their names, such as the new: University of Sex and the Sex County Cricket Club, shortened to ‘Sex Club’, which has brought a new, largely unwanted yet strangely embraced, erotic element to the previously ‘unsexy’ sport.

We asked the Duke of York, Prince Andrew, to comment on calls for York to be renamed: ‘Big Fat Nonce’, ‘You’re a Fucking Nonce’ and ‘NonceTown’ but the nonce refused to comment.

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Bristol

5 of The Whip’s more questionable articles

We at The Whip recently received a scathing piece of criticism about the quality of our articles and, quite frankly, they’re absolutely right. Here are 5 of our more questionable ones:

1. ‘Big Pharma’ not in fact a massive agriculturalist
This one is just SILLY! Who would confuse pharmaceuticals with a farmer?

2. Durex releases hazmat suit with built-in condom
You should never joke about safe sex. We’re really sorry that happened.

3. We ranked the top 10 dogging spots on campus so Bristruths didn’t have to
Yet another sex joke…. fucking degenerates

4. Timpsons to be recognised as key workers
A pun? groundbreaking

5. BREAKING: Do not react; you are the saboteur
This show went downhill after the woman’s lipstick changed colour and we all know it. Should’ve boycotted.

Wonder which was the straw that broke the camel’s back?

Categories
Bristol UK

Emily in Paris nominated for Nobel Prize

After 2 Golden Globe nominations, Netflix series Emily in Paris has been nominated for a Nobel Prize, The Whip are not at all shocked to report.

According to Alfred Nobel, Nobel Prizes are awarded “to those who, during the preceding year, have conferred the greatest benefit to humankind” and we should probably take his word for it because it was his idea. 

Did Emily in Paris provide great benefit to humankind? Of course it did! Remember that bit where she ate a croissant and practically had an orgasm? I’ve been thinking about that for months now. 

Or what about that time she went to the wrong floor because she’s a silly, silly American? Laughing at American people being silly is one of my favourite things to do! Really helped me through my parents divorce.

Plus, I really like Lily Collins. Did you know Phil Collins is her dad? He’s the guy who does that drumming in that song. Like duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh DUH! Makes me cry every time. But back to business…

Emily in Paris, oh the places you’ll go! 

Categories
Bristol

Read the recommended readings. READ THEM AND UNDERSTAND THEM!

Blackboard breakout room spirals into absolute chaos after that one self-professed Etonian einstein (others call him the dickhead in Dickies, or simply Smelly as he rarely changes out of his lacrosse kit) attempts to take control of the session, in spite of being a general dipshit who just happens to have an RP accent. The Whip reports.

“Will you stop talking” talked the student who never stops talking, via the medium of talking, with mouth and sound and talk and whatnot. “Will you please listen? It is not for the student who actually does all the work to decide a point of order – you have no authority here, Helpful and Good Seminar Contributor!”

This attempt at an insurrection by Big Talker angered Helpful and Good Seminar Contributor. She knew that he only skimmed the first, last and middle pages of his reading so he had more time to be a legend — the odd bit of shagging, drinking, occasional chunder into a loafer before necking it… almost like how a mummy bird feeds its children. Beautiful.

In her rage, albeit calm and collected on her pixelated surface, she evicted him from the summit. Big Talker sobbed onto his iPad — “but, but, but… I’m posh! You can’t kick me out for being posh. That’s classist isn’t it?”

“She’s kicked him out! She’s kicked him out!” exclaimed the Big Talker’s ally, Little Contribution. It was then that he, reader of few, bullshitter of many, suggested that she was the ill-read one.

“I take charge! Read the recommended readings – read them and understand them!”

He was soon promptly exiled. Democracy: 2. Home counties blokes who chat shite in seminars: 0.

Categories
Bristol

Shoe Zone, Peacocks and Woolworths welcomed into the FTSE 100

In case you missed it, the stock market was temporarily brought to its plutocratic knees by a network of Redditors funneling shares into doomed business, GameStop. The seizure begged many questions, mainly, what if the next global financial crisis was caused by a sweaty teen in a cum-stained My Little Pony t-shirt? Imagine an economy where traditional Laissez-Faire or Keynesian approaches were discarded, and instead, the doctrine of 9Gag user FedoraTheExplorer_69 was upheld.

But what would this anarcho-capitalist society look like? Well, first, you’d be encouraged to sell your own nan for a packet of crisps — doesn’t even have to be a nice flavour, could be like an expired packet of Wotsits or something. Cryptocurrency would make entrepreneurs of us all and we’d see saddos like 4Chan user FurryFunTimes_420 come second on The Apprentice. The London Stock Exchange would smell like body odour and blueberry vapecloud. Yum!

But back to the matter at hand. Not to be bested in the global marketplace, Great British stock market wankers have spewed their neckbeard wonga into equally shite shops. The Whip chatted to some edgelord economists to find out more.

Chad, 34, mum’s shed said, ‘when I think of profitable items, I think of a puke green peplum dress. So I flitted through all the potential ateliers and fashion houses and landed on Peacocks. It’s where fast fashion meets supply teacher: I’ve tapped a gap in the market I think. The future of apparel starts here!’

‘Was also gonna invest in Sports Direct, to sink my teeth into the sock market. Then I considered Anne Summers because I think knickers would probably trade pretty well at the stocking exchange. Decided to settle with orthopedic shoes as we’ve got an ageing population, which means we’ve got a load of ancient feet — which reminds me, pumice stones are my next major investment. Anyway, you know where the old buy their crep from? ShoeZone. I’m gonna be filthy rich!”

After a whistlestop tour through high street shops that have probably gone into administration, we interviewed Gremlin, 17, atop an anime body pillow:

‘I see real promise with this whole Woolworths enterprise. A shop that sells everything from Davina McCall’s exercise DVD to Michelle McManus’ exercise DVD? That’s big money mate! If you whacked something like that online you’d be singing to the tune of, oh I dunno, approximately £143.6 billion. Some madman should give it a go.’

After explaining that Woolies had shut its doors decades ago, Gremlin responded: ‘well, there’s always JJB Sports.

Categories
Bristol

Mindful king doubts self in seminar

Last Tuesday morning, the world stopped for a second. During what would have been an ordinary 9am seminar, one prodigious Politics student exhibited game-changing behaviour, apprehensively uttering the words, “I’m not sure if this is right, but – ” before stating his opinion. Incredible!

“Miraculous stuff,” admits Missy Andrist, fellow seminar attendee and Politics BNOC. “Often boys in our seminars can be witheringly patronising when it comes to their contributions. Or pipe up in dispute, only to paraphrase exactly what another girl has just said. This kind of timidity from a man is pretty radical.”

Another female witness to the milestone told us, “When I first heard him express uncertainty before inputting to the discussion, I thought, my God, I can relate to this, hard,” shaking her head at the previously unsuspected depths of a man’s self-awareness.

Upon meeting the man himself, sensitive sensation Theo Cordial, we pick up on his gracious energy; he has the air of a gentle man who loves country walks feeding the ducks, who might also stay in on a Saturday night to iron his socks. He smells of home-roasted coffee beans and organic rocket. Although we didn’t ask, he definitely uses vegan soap.

We urge him to explain, how does it feel to be resisting gender stereotypes at university in such a revolutionary way? “Please leave me alone,” he replies, clutching his books (we think most likely feminist literature) and briskly walking in the opposite direction. “I literally have no idea what you’re talking about.” Humble king!

Categories
Bristol UK

“But I love exploiting workers too!” Jeff Bezos attempts to soften image with Santa comparison

December is a truly magical time of the year. With the promise of snowfall and a socially distanced Christmas dinner on the horizon, our worries disappear faster than independent retailers from the high streets; it’s almost enough to bring a tear to your eye.

And who better to capitalise on this flurry of bonhomie than the 21st century’s very own St Nick, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos: as much of a giver of gifts, spreader of joy, and practitioner of dubious workplace practices as the man in red himself.

Mr. Bezos cordially invited us to the ‘North Pole’ to show us around his ‘grotto’, as he insisted on calling his lifeless warehouse on the outskirts of Dunfermline industrial park…

“Ho Ho Ho!” chuckled the CEO, “I love seeing how hard our ‘little elves’ are working to spread some Christmas cheer this time of year!”

As he motioned towards a production line of exhausted minimum wage employees, he stopped to recount the background behind his festive transformation…

“To be honest, Santa’s business model was always my inspiration for Amazon” he explained, “a man free of industrial regulations, free to exploit workers with long hours and next to no pay, and with the adoration of the public behind him, hell it was like looking in a mirror!”

He paused for breath, gazing onto the factory floor. “Well, guess it’s nearly time to be getting the sleigh ready…”

As he glared angrily at the logistics department, two truck drivers sprinted to their vehicles.

One can only hope that life will improve for “Santa’s elves” come December 26th….

Categories
Bristol UK

‘Big Pharma’ not in fact a massive agriculturalist

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but we all love a good conspiracy theory really, don’t we? If you’re not so keen, then that’s because you are suffering from a bad case of karmic conjunctivitis — your third eye has, sadly, been sealed shut by the optic gunk of sheepledom and we’re afraid it’s looking terminal.

Now there is a cure to this debilitating disease and NO it is not a fucking vaccine. That’s what THEY would want you to think, the horrible bastards at the WHO, rejecters of my homeopathic covid cure. Personally, I still think that microdosing MKAT is our medicinal future, but let’s not get into such matters. The antidote for the anti-woke is a big fuck off roll of Bacofoil. With this foil, you can construct a hat, a helmet, a fascinator if you fancy. This metallic headpiece will block out wit-dimming 5G waves and channel only the most edified ideological questions, such as: is Australia really real; was Avril Lavigne actually killed and replaced by a clone; and, what if JFK wasn’t assassinated and his head just did that?

One brave St Werburghs native has already tried out our mind-expanding technology, though, in this instance, there may have been some crossed cosmic wires. The Whip reports.

‘So what I hate about Big Farmer, right’, mutters president of the Pro-Chemsex Anti-Chemtrail Society, Edie Otik, ‘is the amount of tweed required to make their Barbour jacket. We’re talking a good few, couple of hectares here, whatever that means!’

‘Another thing I hate is when they leave their tractor parked in my driveway — if you think they’re huge you should see the size of their combine harvester. They’re just a massive bellend, really. Honestly, you’re gonna have a mare when I tell you about Big Butcher, Big Baker and Big Candlestickmaker.’

The Whip is happy to report that Ms. Otik, after much strain, had Big Pharma explained to her. She referred to them as ‘a little bit fucked up actually’

Categories
Bristol Uncategorised

‘It’s just capitalism 😜’ : Boris submits Bristruth defending religious holiday bias

Coronavirus, Christmas and capitalism have become the holy trinity of posting topics on ‘Bristruths’ over the past few weeks with students divided over the relaxed restrictions.

While the university’s minority non-tory community have been voicing their concerns over a racist religious bias, the boys in blue have been (thankfully) right at hand to reassure concerned liberals that it’s not, in fact, racism but instead just lovely delicious capitalism. Scrummy!

Among those who took to the ‘platform’ to replenish government support was none other than PM Boris Johnson, who spammed the page over the last few days with the following submissions:

#Bristruth31450

‘Let’s settle this once and for all, which religions deserve respect?

Heart react for Christianity, Surprise react for any of those other ones’

#Bristruth31451

‘Caring about the economy more than people’s lives IS a substitute for a personality! How would poor people get money problems if there was no economy in the first place?

Yours sincerely, a confused Prime Minister’

#Bristruth31452

‘Any of my fellow British citizens have experience renting with Digs? Have at least 6 spare children to stash away’

#Bristruth31453

‘Correct ranking of all the political parties

God Tier: The conservative party

Deserve to be taken out hunting and shot Tier: All the rest of those dirty commies’

#Bristruth31454

‘Lots of love to CS, definitely my favourite wife so far’

#Bristruth31455

‘The Eton uniform stays ON during intercourse’