Categories
UK

NHS frontline workers relieved to discover they only have to become prime minister to get tested

In recognition of their hard work and bravery, the UK Government has come up with a method of testing medical workers for COVID-19 which focuses on becoming Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

The workers could not be reached at this time, presumably because they were busy sighing in relief at the excellent news. We have, however, attached the handy 6-Step-Guide-to-NHS-Workers-Becoming-Prime-Minister-and-Subsequently-Getting-Tested below:

Step 1: Forget your morals

Before we begin, breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth, and leave your morals in your mistress’ flat in Uxbridge. They’re like a chewy flab of bacon or an amino acid build-up in your artery. Trim the fat, lean your spleen, and you’re ready for step 2!

Step 2: Be born into lots of money

Remember when there were a couple of prime ministers who weren’t educated at institutions that require you have four last names and a horse? That’s old hat! Silver spoon is back in – the new divine right of kings – so work it, own it, love it. Internalised classism means that most people don’t really mind you’re a prat. In fact, they kinda subconsciously adore it! Sweet!

Step 3: Get weird with it

Get stuck on a zipwire, write bigotry in national publications, have innumerable children, hell, don’t tuck your shirt in on telly! If you throw enough shit at the fan, the fan breaks – and then what are the liberals gonna do?

Step 4: Fearmonger

Much like other mongers (fish, etc.) you want to flog your wares by shouting at people, exploiting the right-wing press, and preying on the nation’s deepest anxieties. Just remember, if you’re ever unsure what to do, imagine it is fish you are marketing, not fear, and you won’t feel as guilty.

Step 5: Become prime minister by default

Get in on a technicality, make them think you’ll do for now, and then repeat step 4 ad nauseam.

Step 6: Get tested for COVID-19

Result! You’re in, you’re tested, and it comes back positive – what a relief.

*Fun fact: Eton, Oxford and Bullingdon is an anagram for Adolf gun, London tinderbox. Let us know what you think of that in the comments below!

Categories
UK

Rees-Mogg hurries to Johnson’s bedside with bird mask, leeches and lobotomy screw

This is a breaking news story. More to follow.

Categories
UK

Johnson not sure which family to isolate with

In an unfortunate turn of events, the virile Prime Minister has a difficult decision to make. Being of sound mind and ailed body, he must decide which of his numerous families to stay with.

Sources close to the PM say he has made a 100 strong shortlist and is ‘whittling’ it down presently.

Categories
UK

Man voting tactically carefully writes ‘4-3-3’ on ballot paper

In the era of first past the post and 5 at the back, how to be ‘tactical’ is a highly contested subject. Mark McNally ignored cries in his constituency for wingbacks and to vote Lib Dem in a swing seat because Labour couldn’t possibly win, instead sticking to what he knows best: 4 defenders, 3 midfielders and a front 3.

Outsmarting the wiliest of political opposition, McNally is rumoured to be composing his front 3 in a ‘false 9’, with his centre forward dropping back to support his wingers.

His plan is that the right-wing outruns his European opposition before making cuts inside. And the left-wing picks up the ball off of him to deliver what the people want with a finish in the final third.

After offering the government some sage tactical advice today, MacNally has decided to unwind by having a cool pint in the pub and discussing the pertinence of J.S. Mill’s ‘On Liberty’ in the era of social media echo chambers and political polarisation.

Categories
UK

Thousands of middle-class women in Boris’ constituency mark their ‘ex’ on the ballot

In a promiscuous turn of events, Boris Johnson’s parliamentary seat in Uxbridge and South Ruislip is hanging in the balance after an unprecedented number of ballots were spoilt.

According to reports from the polling station, swathes of the country’s most privileged women have misinterpreted the instruction to mark an ‘x’ on the ballot and are instead marking their ‘ex’ on the ballot – in this case, the Conservative party candidate Boris Johnson.

To try and make sense of the widespread confusion, we spoke with Tilly Boddington, who has come out as a contributor to Johnson’s potential demise.

“Boris’ name really jumped out at me as soon as I entered the polling booth,” she told us in an exclusive interview, “I knew him all too well from our days of courting.

“Bo and I must have been in our late twenties when we first got together. We met at a not-so-conservative party, if you know what I mean,” explained Tilly, winking saucily.

“It all ended when I overheard him talking to one of his pals about my best friend, Janine. He was going on and on about how his ‘negotiations’ with her were progressing well, and that he could tell a ‘deal’ was definitely on the way. I mentioned it to him and he broke up with me immediately. He said he had been meaning to ‘get it done’ anyway so he could ‘unleash his potential’.

“Anyway, it was easy to cast my vote and mark an ‘ex’ – I would never have gone out with any of the others. I’m still in the process of getting over Boris, to be honest. I’ve tried to forget about him, but my son looks so much like him that it’s hard not to think of him every day! So does Janine’s for that matter.”

For more info on how to do better than these women, head to:

WhoCanIVoteFor.co.uk
WhereDoIVote.co.uk
Categories
UK

‘Registering to vote is pointless,’ says student who pays nine grand a year for library they don’t use

A student who pays £9,250 a year for access to a library they’ve never set foot in has dismissed registering to vote as a “waste of time” and “pointless”.

Jack Carson, who also has DJ decks that have never been plugged in, a slow cooker used once for a chilli in 2016 and an expired condom in his wallet, gave a scathing undressing of the democratic process to our reporters after his Physics seminar.

“That five minutes it takes to register to vote I could spend doing all sorts of other worthwhile stuff. Like not using the uni library I pay nine grand a year to have access to or thinking of a way to say ‘hi’ to the girl on my course who’s way out of my league.

“I’m sorry, but Pankhurst and that were wasting their time. Nothing’s ever changed by letting people in power know how you feel about them. Real change is inspired by sitting on your unqualified high horse with your hackneyed opinions and being mindlessly apathetic.”

The 20-year-old, whose home constituency of Hastings and Rye had a majority of 346 votes in the 2017 election, went on to explain that he doesn’t think the news is that important — although when queried, he did concede he’d never heard of ‘the economy’, ‘climate change’ or ‘war’.

“Yeah, all politicians are the same”, opined the Ellesse t-shirt wearer, before insisting that the differences between Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, Mhairi Black and Hermann Göring were “nominal at best”.

“Mind you, I don’t take a similar attitude with other things — just politics. Like supporting West Ham, masturbating, and religiously attending every new Marvel release. Yeah, I do all that with real fervour.”

In a surprising moment of self-awareness, Jack mumbled “maybe I don’t like politics because I don’t understand it that much” before shaking his head, snapping out of it, and sending the boys a funny TikTok on WhatsApp of animals having sex or someone being rude or something.

For Whip readers more clued-up than Jack, you can register to vote here.

Categories
Featured UK

Loyle Carner doubles down and proposes to own mother on stage

Mum-obsessed indie hip hop heartthrob Loyle Carner has gone the whole hog this time, finally getting on one knee after a thumping set at the O2 Academy, Brixton.

Carner has long been known for his subtle melodies, emotive bars and crippling Oedipus complex, so few in the crowd were surprised when the 25-year-old brought out mum Jean after ‘Ain’t Nothing Changed’. 

Throughout the encore, Carner appeared excited, only just managing to get out all the words about being young and normal and nice and kind, explained band bassist Joe Douglas. 

“He seemed very happy, almost to the point of distraction. At first, I thought it was ‘cos it was his favourite crowd ever.  But then I remembered that he has said that at every single other show I’ve played with him, which is all of them since the start of his career in 2012, so it had to be something else.

“Then I thought it might be because he had successfully convinced the crowd that he was just a regular guy. But obviously no one would ever believe that because he’s so obviously a cloying idiot feigning vulnerability for popularity. Once again, non comprende.

After finishing the song the South Londoner asked his mum to come out, explained Douglas, and everything became clear.

“As she walked out he mumbled the same old stuff about her being the most important woman in his life and whatever. Then out of nowhere, he dropped to one knee, reached deep into his pocket, and retrieved a ring. There was a collective realisation in the theatre: his agape for Jean also had a pretty healthy dollop of eros mixed in there too. Who woulda thought it?

“Naturally, his mum seemed amazed but not really that surprised. He’s been giving off a lot of signals, like droning on about her at every show even though the crowd is there for his music not the very-much-unpotted history of his emotional life.

“They are now exploring the legality of actually tying the knot, which could be the final stumbling block.

“Luckily, Loyle has this whole messiah complex thing going on, which might be enough to edge him over the finish line with the authorities – just as it did with building a musical following despite his being profoundly mediocre. Fingers crossed for the happy couple!”

Categories
UK

Love Island fans and Tory party members finally come together over love for terrifying dystopian reality TV

Common ground between fans of ITV’s Love Island and followers of the Conservative party has historically been sparse. However, recent findings have shown that the two groups share both a disdain for one another, and a penchant for really quite worrisome reality television.

“I love all the drama which unfolds between a group of vapid, out of touch celebrities when they battle it out for public approval!” said Rupert Whittingstall, a keen follower of the upcoming Tory leadership election.

“That Love Island crap? Why would I watch a group of vapid, out of touch celebrities compete for public approval? This country is going to shit if you ask me.”

Chantelle White, a fan of ITV’s popular reality show gave her take on the matter. “From an anthropological point of view, Love Island is fascinating. As a modern conceptualisation of Bentham’s panopticon, it represents the surveillance of one’s self in our individualist consumer-capitalist economy.”

“No, I’m not following the Conservative leadership election. It’s nothing more than a glorified vanity contest.”

The Whip spoke to psychologist Jarl Kung to shed some light on these bizarre findings:

“While both groups reject one another, they experience a similar sadistic enjoyment from their relevant viewing.

“However our research has shown that none of them are as bad as the smug arseholes who pride themselves on not following either.”

Categories
Bristol UK

Eco-warrior travels 8,000 miles in gas guzzling metal machine to plant three trees in Botswana

Yet another student has shown their dedication to environmental causes: this week 20 year-old Aurelia Stepford will make the inspirational journey from southern Kent to southern Africa to plant trees, aided only by British Airways and £3,000.

The Whip caught up with Aurelia as she was stocking up on Fiji water bottles for the trip: “I just care so much. I just care. I think about this kind of thing a lot, and I think, why does nobody else care? Am I the only one? Probably.”

Though activists often feel the intense isolation of being morally better than everybody else, Aurelia is not in fact alone in her eco vocation.

Her motivation to do something is driven not only by a desperate need to appear interesting, but also as part of a recent campaign by the University of Bristol to aid the environment at all costs.

The appeal, ‘Climate Change? I Barely Know Her’ has been taken on by many UoB institutions; this includes the ASS, who refused to cut down more trees in order to provide seats during exam season, as well as the SU’s Balloon Bar, putting in maximum effort to prevent leisure and consumer waste by rarely serving food and closing whenever necessary.

Many other students are following suit, flocking to South East Asia and the Americas for the summer in order to fully feel the effects of global warming, making use of reusable keep-cups to collect and retain their ayahuasca.

Undoubtedly there have been some mindless criticisms of the performative nature of ‘CC?IBKH’. For example, there has been an inquiry into the dubious effect ‘feeling quite concerned’ and ‘not really knowing what to do’ has on rising sea levels, but the link has yet to be disproven.

Categories
Bristol

Greta Thunberg presents conservation award to second year after plant kept alive for entire tenancy

Teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg was in Bristol this week to award a second year UoB student with a conservation award after it was brought to light that they had managed to keep their plant alive for the entire tenancy.

“You can organise as many climate strikes as you like” the Swedish teenager told the international media in Redland, “but if the plant in your room wallowing in its own wilt whilst you’re out protesting, who’s the real hypocrite? You, or the people that deny climate change? Or what about the plant? or even your room? or your Mum? Does it make your entire existence hypocritical? Fuck knows man.”

“To be honest, it’s a mystery to me. Best not to find out and just get the green fucker a bit of life juice. Agua to you normies.”

We were lucky enough to interview the Nobel Peace Prize nominee this morning. Ms. Thunberg used the meeting to set the record straight on the ‘vicious lies’ circulating about her activism and work.

“It is merely a coincidence that this Bristol student’s selection of potted flora was purchased from my country’s greatest export, IKEA. I would like to take this chance to dispel any rumours that I have been receiving funding from the company to advertise the longevity of their products.”

“The connection between this award and IKEA, the nearest one of which can be found at Eastgate Shopping Centre on Eastgate Road, BS5 6XX, is purely coincidental. The fact it has a wonderful collection of home and garden products at affordable prices, and 50% off all bed-wear purchases until July 14th, has nothing to do with my time in Bristol.”

“As a vegan, I would never dream of promoting a company with world-renowned meatballs on the menu. The rich, juicy flavours they draw out of quality ingredients sourced from local British farms for a fair price mean I would never collaborate on any sponsorship deal.”

 

Categories
Bristol UK

Considerate friend ensures flatmate is up for 9am exam by blaring drum and bass from 5 in the morning

A heart-warming tale of thoughtfulness and friendship came in from a second year flat earlier this week.

Redland Romeo, Ed Jeeves, decided to go the extra mile for his flatmates, ensuring they made their 9am exams in plenty of time by waking them up 4 hours in advance with a soothing collection of DnB, Grime and industrial techno tunes.

Our correspondent made contact with the geography student to find out how such a ritual came to be…

“You know, I’ve realised that I might not have been the best flatmate this year”, confessed Ed as he balanced three pizza boxes on top of an overflowing bin. “People are just so stressed this time of year, and I really wanted to do something to show my appreciation and admiration for their continuous hard work.”

He continued “I read an article recently that said classical music boosts your productivity. Now obviously “classical” is a term relative to the time in which you’re living. So, I had to think, ‘What are some of today’s classical masterpieces?’ Skepta, Chase and Status, the SoundCloud tracks I made during spring reading week, all timeless chef d’oeuvres I’m sure you’d agree. I’m even thinking of adding some Gabber in there next week, just to really get them in a productive mindset.”

“To top it off, I always make sure I start playing my tracks at least 4 hours before their exams, so their brains undergo maximum stimulation. Pretty kind of me really…” He noted humbly.

As generous as this act of kindness may be, some of Ed’s flatmates feel differently towards the strategy…

“I swear to Christ if he doesn’t shut up with his shit music at 5am, I’ll smash his stupid smug face with his ‘precious decks’. He’s not Denis fucking Sulta. He’s a massive wanker.”

 

Categories
Exeter

‘Sorry lads!’ Harry Kane sacks off Champions League final to go to EGB

England captain Harry Kane sent shockwaves through the footballing world today by confirming his intention to attend EGB rather than represent Tottenham against Liverpool in tonight’s Champions League final.

The striker, who had been nursing a foot injury, was widely expected to return to the Spurs team for the biggest game of the season, but he has now broken the hearts of many by travelling down to Exeter to attend the hottest event of the calendar year instead.

The Whip was lucky enough to catch Kane stocking up at Beer Box before the big event, and through the use of a translator we were able to conduct an interview with the main man:

“I really wish I could do both,” sighed Kane, drenching his tux with saliva: “don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be out there with all the lads, but I just had to let them down this time.”

Kane, who alongside his teammates is renowned for ‘bottling’ up his feelings, was perfectly candid with our reporter over his motivations for the choice.

“If we win, yeah sure, we’ll get some glory, and Madrid is a lovely place, but you can’t tell me that you’d pick that over expensive drinks and a teacup ride in a field in Crediton.”

Kane was reportedly almost swayed by the rival event ‘Impy Garden Ball’ and was relishing the prospect at getting mashed at the nicest Spoons garden in the country, but conceded that watching his team mates on the big screen at EGB for a mere £5 a pop was a bargain, despite it being shown for free on YouTube.