Categories
Manchester UK

Same underwhelming sex, new location! Student treats girlfriend to hotel on Valentines

Rather than attempt to actually give his girlfriend a gift she will appreciate this Valentines, an innovative second year student will instead be treating his partner to the same inadequate sexual performance he delivers three times a week, but this time, in a windowless 6 x 4 travelodge room. 

Tony Taker revealed the genius idea came to him after his deeply dissatisfied girlfriend suggested they try something new. 

“One night last week, after a hot and steamy 2.5 minute session, we had a romantic post-shag chat. 

“She basically suggested we make radical changes, and I thought fuck, that’s hot! I asked her if she meant a threesome with the mate of her’s I fancy, and she got kind of pissed off.

“She started going on a bit, saying stuff like ‘do you ever listen to anything I say? Do you understand the concept of give and take? Do you even know where my clit is?’ All that bollocks, but by that point I’d already started dozing off.

“Anyway, then I thought, I know what will distract her from my obvious inability to pleasure a woman or even understand the female anatomy! A dark, airless, £50 hotel room!”

Taker’s girlfriend is said to have given him some blue pills as his Valentines present, and has bought herself a vibrator. 

 

Categories
Manchester UK

Closet Tory bravely comes out to housemates

The Whip can exclusively report a social earthquake occurred earlier today in Withington, whereby a home county student exposed himself as an actual Conservative.

Dillon Creedon told The Whip, “for too long I have camouflaged my views, ashamed of my belief that we need the poor do the jobs we don’t want to do.”

Creedon told The Whip that he has been in constant fear of marginalisation in the university sphere.

“After several conversations around the dinner table about how great free wifi is going to be, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to come out.

“It’s not that I don’t REALLY appreciate the fact that we should have a more equal society, it’s just that Dad says we would have to sell the house in Verbier and I just couldn’t live with that – isn’t that fair?”

Creedon also informed us that even exposing himself as a Conservative voter to his mother has been hard. “You don’t understand what it’s like coming out to a Mum who supports the Lib Dems! She literally stood for nothing – until I came out as a Tory – now she’s a fucking ideologue.”

“Revealing my true political beliefs has been the hardest thing since accepting I liked one of Labour’s policies in 2017.”

Categories
Manchester

Labour Society campaigning to change name of Ali G to ‘Jezza C’

As political campaigning intensifies ahead of the General Election on the 12th of December, the UoM Labour Society have announced their latest profound contribution to the contest.

Aiming to canvass where it matters and secure the vote of politically active and already-left-wing students, the society explained that they felt they were in need of “a deeply persuasive and politically game-changing move.”

“We really wanted to emphasise the sincerity of the society’s political involvement,” a spokesperson for the group explained to The Whip. “We needed something which would display our utter dedication to the cause.

“With this in mind, we began the heartfelt campaign for Ali G to be renamed ‘Jezza C’.

“We feel Jezza can be an inspiration to us all. To be able to study under a roof named after him would be no less than an honour.

“We hope the students will share our vision and understand the passion behind the decision.

“Once we’ve achieved this, we’ll be looking to have an audio soundtrack playing inside the revolving doors. As you enter library, you’ll be welcomed with ‘OOOOOOH JEREMY CORBYN’.”

Categories
Leeds UK

‘Greta Rave’ to ban exhalation in bid to cut down carbon footprint

In a show of absolute commitment to their own cause, organisers of the ‘Greta Thunberg Rave for the Future’ have announced that ordinary, carbon-producing respiratory processes fall short of their rigorous environmental standards.

This ban represents the latest instalment on a lengthy list of eco-conscious moves from the club-night’s organisers: “We also decided strobe lights would be a bit too energy consuming so instead we’ve hired a Vietnamese child to continually blow out and relight a candle for 40p an hour. It should have the same effect.” The confetti canon has also been substituted for a vegan throwing a single piece of paper directly into a recycling bin.

While it remains unconfirmed whether Ms Thunberg herself will be DJing on the night, the organisers have assured fans that mixes will exclusively contain Greta’s favourite musical combination of full-blooded Scandinavian Eurodance and the sound of growing trees, “whether your tipple is Basshunter or Birch, this night is sure to excite your earholes.”

Nonetheless, despite this pulsing joviality, the organisers are keen to inject a string of awareness-raising pathos into the evening: “Ice cubes will be made from the tears of dejected polar bears to remind club-goers that polar bears rarely, if ever, rave and mostly, if always, die.”

Ticket sales are presumed to be going well, and it is rumoured that several high-profile names are on the guest list – magician David Blane contacted The Whip to excitedly commend the exhalation ban saying, “Finally, the club night for me.”

While it should be a wonderful evening, organisers have warned that if the world ends prior to the event no refunds will be allocated.

Categories
Featured Manchester UK

Fresher accidentally makes enough spaghetti bolognese to feed the 5,000

Theology student Rebecca Cook left her flatmates in shock and awe as she managed to produce 5,000 portions of spaghetti bolognese, using a 7.7 litre stock pot from Argos.

“I was only trying to organise a meal plan for the week, but it turns out I’m the second coming!” she informed The Whip.

“Normally my half-used passatta cartons sit at the back of the fridge until someone kicks up a fuss. I never realised using a full one could feed a crowd of biblical proportions.”

Rebecca’s flatmates are attempting to comprehend the implications of her newfound eminence. Self-proclaimed ‘banter king’, Connor from Wigan, changed her group chat nickname to ‘Messiah’. Connor is currently awaiting recognition as a ground-breaking young comedian.

Neighbour Jodie, from Bath, is reported to have commented, “it makes sense, really. Her and Jesus do both have long brown hair.”

When asked about her next miracle, Rebecca said that three weeks ago she left the dregs of an open echo falls bottle on her kitchen counter, which may or may not have turned into vinegar.

 

Categories
Manchester UK

Library to introduce wellness session on ‘how to blow your fucking nose’

Following increasing demand, the Main Library have today announced that they will be introducing a wellness session on ‘how to fucking blow your nose’.

The decision comes after widespread reports that library-goers are apparently incapable of doing so.

In an inexplicable phenomenon, studiers appear to be on a nose-blowing strike, consistently attempting to sniff snot clumps back up their nose, instead of simply reaching for a tissue.

“It’s surpassed socially acceptable levels of sniffage,” one library attendant informed The Whip. “What we are witnessing now is a gravity-defying snot loaded suction, with devastating aural effects.”

Second year, Johnny Webber told The Whip that studying in the bogey-haven was such a distressing experience, that he has developed PTSD.

“I’ve been seeing a counsellor. Although it’s been kind of helpful, I can still hear the quiet gurgling of retracted snot when I’m trying to go to sleep.

“When I was watching telly I saw an anteater on the wildlife channel and it bought it all back. I nearly threw up.”

Alongside the explanatory session, the library will be handing out compulsory tissues upon entrance.

Categories
Manchester

Third year student starts year abroad at Canadian Charcoal Pit

As part of the University of Manchester’s ‘year abroad’ scheme, undergraduate Catherine Brady has completed the 200 meter journey to Canadian Charcoal Pit, where she will be continuing her studies.

Despite being educated at Cheltenham Ladies’ College, Brady claims that she’s pretty hands on, and is looking to really immerse herself in some greasy labour.

“I really wanted to work in a fast paced, sales driven environment, and CCP just seemed to tick all the boxes.

“I’ve been on family holidays to Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Malaysia, Indonesia, Australia, New Zealand, Colombia, Peru, Mexico, Fiji, Austria, Switzerland, Greece, Italy, France, Spain, Portugal, The Canary Islands, Dubai, India, Nepal, Sri Lanka, New York, San Francisco and Los Angeles, so I kind of wanted something new.

“I felt like I really wanted to push the boat out with my destination, and a kebab shop in South Manchester felt like the obvious choice.

“I also really wanted to do something social where I could meet lots of other students on nights out, so this perfect. They’re so authentic they even mirror the time difference, they start work at 11pm and finish at 5am.

“If I do enough networking, I should even be able to secure myself a few discounts for future.”

Categories
Featured Manchester UK

Student accidentally agrees to sacrifice firstborn in house contract small print

Reports just in confirm an unprecedented student-landlord disagreement has taken place, whereby a 21 year old student has unwittingly agreed to offer up his first born to his landlord as part of a pre-agreed deposit.

The court case is ongoing, with Jack Barker attempting to appeal the decision on the grounds that he was hungover when he signed the contract. “I’d had a bit of a mad one for Charlie’s birthday the night before, we went Friendship then ended up at Cubo. Just one of them ones.” he told The Whip.

“I wasn’t really paying attention to be honest and I kind of regret it now, next time I sign a contract I’ll probs actually read it.” At the time of the signing, the small print had appeared, through Barker’s bloodshot eyes, to just be a grey blur.

The landlord, Andrew Morrison, is maintaining his stance. Barker’s lawyers are attempting to appeal to Morrison’s softer side but to no avail. Despite their best efforts, it looks like Barker’s first child is set contractually be a part of Morrison’s covert sacrificial rituals. When asked to give a comment Morrison declined.

In a final statement Barker added “On the bright side at least I don’t have to worry about paying my deposit just yet and I’m not gonna go into my overdraft!”

The Whip will be following the ongoing court case.

Categories
Featured Manchester

‘10th time free!’ Fallowfield muggers launch loyalty card scheme

Reports just in confirm that the Fallowfield Muggers Association (FMA) will be introducing student loyalty cards as part of a transformative new act. The Whip spoke to the head of the initiative, to see how the loyalty cards will change the mugging experience for students.

Creator of the new act, Anonymous Patroller of Ladybarn Road, told The Whip, “we wanted to show our customers how appreciative we are of them and their dumb attempts to walk home from Factory on their own.

“Each time we mug them, they can have a stamp on their card in the shape of a little black eye. The 10th time, we’ll let them choose one item which they can keep!”

When we looked closely at the T&C’s, we noted that it did say that 10th “keepable” item cannot be: your phone, laptop, wallet, purse, headphones, bus-pass, keys, coat, shoes, soul or dignity.

 

Categories
Manchester


Fresher transfers to University of Salford to avoid Oxford Road leafleters

A mere three weeks into term, first year student David Allens today announced his decision to transfer from the University of Manchester to the University of Salford, in a last-ditch attempt to avoid leafleters on Oxford Road.

The undergraduate explained that the transition was made out of “utter desperation.”

Speaking to Whip reporters about the devastating effect that leafleters have had on his mental health, Allens stated that despite the move, he is unsure if he will ever recover.

“At first, I thought I would be able to manage it. I originally thought that if I ran down Oxford Road, I’d be too quick for them. Initially, this worked, but I’m asthmatic, and I couldn’t maintain the sprint long enough to avoid harassment.

“Next, I pretended to be blind. I used the white curtain pole from my living room as an imitation cane. This was working well, until I got hit by the Magic Bus.”

With both legs now in casts, Allens is even more susceptible to torment, as the walk takes him twice as long.

“I realised my only option was to move to Salford Uni. It’s a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things.”

When asked for comment, the Leafleters informed us, “It’s free entry before 12.”

Categories
Manchester UK

10 ways to make your new housemates love you

It’s well known that getting to know your new flatmates can be daunting. With this in mind, The Whip has compiled a simple list, explaining the 10 best ways to make sure you make friends.

1.  Don’t be afraid of covering awkward subjects. Remind your flatmate that they drunkenly confessed to sleeping with a cuddly toy, occasionally wetting the bed, and fancying you.

2.  Eavesdrop on your housemates conversations!  Then you can use “I heard you crying on the phone to your mum about not being able to make friends” as a conversation starter.

3.  Let them know that you facebook-stalked them right back to 2009. Like their year 8 pictures to prove it.

4.  Make food at 3am whilst shit faced, and fall asleep when doing so. Be sure to leave the hob on so the kitchen is nice and toasty in the morning.

5.  Steal money from your housemates and blame other people to create DRAMA! The more people involved the better!

6.  Play grime music at full volume, and be utterly oblivious to normal sleeping hours.

7.  Use the hoover to clean up sick so that the lingering smell of stale vomit resurfaces every time someone tries to clean their room.

8.  Have extremely loud sex so everyone knows your safe-word to use in times of trouble.

9.  Start a science experiment in controlled conditions. Measure the length of time a carrot in the bottom draw of the fridge takes to entirely decompose.

10.  Create a natural plug out of human hair so that having a shower becomes a plunge pool experience.

Categories
Manchester UK

Wise fresher makes sensible decision to sleep with flatmate

Forward thinking fresher, Jamie Cole, today revealed the genius course of action he decided to take to ensure an enjoyable and relaxed first year.

“I hear a lot of people find moving to a new city and starting uni really fraught, and at times difficult.” He explained to The Whip.

“With this in mind, I wanted to avoid any awkwardness and really make a seamless transition into my new flat. I thought, what better way to get to know your flatmate than to shag them?

“It’s funny actually. When we were all sitting in the kitchen having a riveting game of ‘Never Have I Ever’, I remember looking at her and thinking, probably a 5/10 at best.

“Later in the night, I had 25 minutes to reflect on stuff as I tried to roll a rollie. I realised what a shallow mistake I’d been making all this time – saying that I’d only shag a 5.5 or above.

“It’s not all about the numbers. It’s about making sacrifices for the greater good – in this case, putting everyone in the flat at ease.

“In the morning it was great. She obviously thought I was hilarious. It must just be my naturally comedic delivery. She even found it funny when I asked her if I’d made her cum!”