Rather than attempt to actually give his girlfriend a gift she will appreciate this Valentines, an innovative second year student will instead be treating his partner to the same inadequate sexual performance he delivers three times a week, but this time, in a windowless 6 x 4 travelodge room.
Tony Taker revealed the genius idea came to him after his deeply dissatisfied girlfriend suggested they try something new.
“One night last week, after a hot and steamy 2.5 minute session, we had a romantic post-shag chat.
“She basically suggested we make radical changes, and I thought fuck, that’s hot! I asked her if she meant a threesome with the mate of her’s I fancy, and she got kind of pissed off.
“She started going on a bit, saying stuff like ‘do you ever listen to anything I say? Do you understand the concept of give and take? Do you even know where my clit is?’ All that bollocks, but by that point I’d already started dozing off.
“Anyway, then I thought, I know what will distract her from my obvious inability to pleasure a woman or even understand the female anatomy! A dark, airless, £50 hotel room!”
Taker’s girlfriend is said to have given him some blue pills as his Valentines present, and has bought herself a vibrator.