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Featured Leeds

New colour-coded library booking system helps you visualise your lack of tickets

To great excitement and jubilation, new changes to the cursed library booking system have been introduced. Following scathing criticism from students and satirists alike, the University powers that be have looked down on the pitiful plight of the humble library goer and have smiled. Whereas previously one would have to scroll through various locations and dates on Eventbrite to discover if they had a seat on hallowed ground, users are now greeted by a sea of white with the occasional sad square of green adrift in this vast expanse.

Following this huge revelation in the day to day life of your common nerd, dweeb and geek, The Whip caught up with local bookworm, William Friendless, to hear his opinion on the new changes.

“I’m over the moon that the library booking system has finally changed. I must have submitted at least 50 LeedsFess posts on the subject so it’s great to know that direct democracy is still alive and well.

“I mean, yeah, I’m still not getting an actual seat in the library – unless you count when I sit on the bollards outside Laidlaw, which are actually quite comfy. But now I can see easily and clearly that I don’t have a seat and can start posting in Leeds Student Group, asking if anyone will trade two slots for a tenner.”

It seems that as the Library Saga rolls on from The Library: No Seat for Young Men to The Library Part 2: Seatless in Seattle, there isn’t an end in sight. Well apart from May when University finishes.

Nonetheless, we here at The Whip wish William the best of luck in finding the holy grail that is a floor 10 Eddie B seat near the water fountain but not near the loos.

Categories
Featured Leeds

Library tickets sell out faster than student offered grad scheme at BP

The path of the oil company exec is a well trodden one: private school education, fashionable university champagne socialism,  before justifying the purchase of their first Oxford Street suite as “a fiscally prudent investment in my future” at 27.

However, in a move that has sent shockwaves through the sell-out-sphere, tickets to Edward Boyle on Eventbrite are giving these champagne socialists a run for their money. The Whip caught up with grad scheme hopeful Orla Boutdabenjamins, to see how she felt about the new shill on the block.

“I was a bit disappointed when I first found out, I’d just sent off my application and was going to spend the day in the library finding out how bad oil spills really can be. I opened Eventbrite at 3:05 on the dot and they’d all gone, even bloody Laidlaw had sold out! Who’s that desperate to work on a backless chair with a desk that reaches your ankles?

In these uncertain times you can be certain that these tickets will sell out faster than I defend BritPet’s commitment to be carbon neutral by 2050. And I can do that really fast, do you want to hear?” 

Orla proceeded to explain the reason carbon neutrality is physically impossible and economically naive prior to 2050 despite our attempts to leave the interview. 

So are library tickets the future of selling out? Don’t even bother checking if they’re still there, some lucky sod who probably won’t even turn up probably has the whole day booked.

Categories
Featured UK

BREAKING: Johnson permits household mixing of eggs, milk and flour

The latest lockdown has seen a return to the strictest rules since the beginning of the pandemic with even trips to Barnard Castle banned for high ranking government advisors. However, under public pressure Boris Johnson has announced a reprieve on the mixing ban, although only with a manual whisk because the electric one’s a bit messy. 

The Whip caught up with one of the Prime Minister’s advisors, Finn Batter, to gain some insight on this policy flip. 

“So basically ‘Lockdown: Original Flavour’ didn’t really work out, but everyone knows the first one is a throw away, so we thought we’d change it up this time round. The Prime Minister believes it is integral to celebrate holidays of all nationalities and faiths during the lockdown, as long as those nationalities and faiths are British and Christian. 

“This policy will hopefully bring the nation together and create some unity – unless you’re some weirdo that eats savoury pancakes, in that case you can fuck off.”

The celebration of Shrove Tuesday is expected to be at an all time high with nothing to do apart from Shrive the day away. Instagram stories featuring boomerangs of pancake flip attempts are expected to be in abundance, but at least it beats those soppy Valentine’s posts from two days ago.

Categories
Leeds

‘A man with new ideas is a madman, until his ideas triumph’ says flat mate poaching egg in microwave

Some say innovation is born out of adversity, akin to the immense pressure exerted in the formation of rare gems. This was certainly the feeling of Hyde Park resident Michael Waver when, with egg prematurely cracked early one morning, he found all four hobs occupied by the unwieldy pots and pans of fellow flatmates.

Most would flounder in these dire circumstances, but we caught up with the self-proclaimed ‘Bielsa of Baking’ to find out how he overcame such obstacles.

“Yeah so basically there I was, cracked egg in hand, proverbial one on face, when I suddenly thought: What would Bielsa do? I immediately dismissed taking a mid table Championship side and getting them promoted to the Prem with limited funds and a commitment to expansive attractive football and instead marched straight to the microwave whilst my housemates looked on in disbelief and disdain. The result was a perfectly poached egg and the respect and adoration of my house.”

Whilst some of his housemates dispute this recollection of events by claiming “the hobs were free, he’s just a lazy slob”, and some even reporting that he binned the monstrosity after the first bite, The Whip congratulates Mr. Waver on his revolutionary zeal.

We speculate what is next for this michelin maverick: Bacon in the toaster? Beans on the radiator? An England call up for Patrick Bamford?

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Leeds Uncategorised

‘What are we even paying for’ says student with 23% attendance

Petitions, protests and posting in the group formerly known as ‘Leeds Uni Tickets’. These are just some of the ways students have been holding this irksome government to account. But one particularly passionate Facebook rant posted late last night has left Nick Clegg quaking in his boots. 

The post garnered many reactions, several comments and even a few shares. But news emerged this morning that casts doubt over the validity of the complaint. Our sources this morning reported that the author, Kat Shelton, boasts an attendance record of just 23%.

This morning we caught up with Kat, who could not remember what course she is on. 

“I just think the University should be doing more. I want more. I’m not sure what exactly, but I definitely want more of it. 9 grand a year for what? A couple of contact hours, avoiding all my formative assessments and never submitting essay plans? I can only imagine how angry I’d be if my parents weren’t paying for my fees.”

“I don’t think my attendance is relevant, if anything it’s something of a protest. If I don’t go to seminars I’m basically sticking two fingers up at the Vice Chancellor, which is cool. I’m the Yoko Ono of Leeds, I’m on a 12 week bed-in. Not a slacker, because slackers aren’t political”

What this poetic expression of anger means for the future of tuition fees, The Whip can only speculate. One thing for sure however, all attendance emails will be ignored. 

When asked if she turned her camera on in seminars, Kat simply replied “no comment”.

Categories
Featured Leeds

3 Wise Men Miss Travel Window; Forced to Remain in Lupton for Christmas

The Christmas student travel window, the joyous icing on the cake after a term of restrictions and happiness-destroying government policies, has now drawn to a close.

Unbeknownst to many students, however, is that the window had no room for negotiation and has now been slammed shut, bolted and barred as a Hyde Park house window so often isn’t.

In a festive turn of events, amongst those confined to student accommodation are the three wise men. Less than halfway through their annual piss-up tour to Bethlehem the kings have found themselves in a mid-range, shared bathroom, single room surrounded by students who have forgotten what the city of Leeds looks like.

Unfortunate for the students and wise men alike, not only has the M62 been lined with student-spotting snipers but the M6 has sniffer dogs at every lay-by, trained to sense the slightest whiff of 2in1 shampoo on a Leeds boy’s head upon their late escape from James Baillie.

The Whip caught up with all three wise men for a comment on this dangerously depressing situation: Unfortunately, no one here at The Whip speaks ancient arameic so we were unable to understand a word they were saying.

We can confirm that the three wise men are making good use of their time in Lupton by creating their own Soundcloud rap group and teaching trapped students how to get creative with bottles of myrrh. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, after all. 

Categories
Leeds

New Otley Run Just Going for a Run in Otley

As pubs around West Yorkshire keep their lines dry for the foreseeable future many students find themselves left in the lurch. The inability to revel in drunken debauchery has had the bizarre effect of turning the run-of-the-mill-functioning-alcoholic of a student into a health obsessed, lycra clad joggers doing laps of Hyde Park in the middle of winter. 

Thanks to lockdown 2.0, the infamous Otley Run has become a 1.5-mile trail of broken dreams; an apocalyptic ghost town where drunken students dressed in always offensive and rarely original fancy dress once roamed free.

If you listen closely, echoes of “shall we go to the next one” and “you know I’ve always been a pubs over clubs kinda guy” can still be heard floating on the wind.

Instead of this iconic but fairly underwhelming pub crawl, a “new normal” has emerged: a nightmare hellscape of exercise where pints and shitty costumes are replaced with crisp Yorkshire tap water and unironic sweatbands.

For the full experience, bring your housemates and make it authentic by losing them halfway and reconvening at Dry Dock for a thirsty yet sweaty reunion . 

By the time the Leeds freshers grace these halls once again, the Otley Run will be but a 5k Instagram challenge that nobody really cares about yet you still feel guilty not for doing.

Categories
UK

Johnson includes hairdressers in all 3 tiers after seeing your horrible trim

News today that Leeds will be put into tier 3 when lockdown comes to an end has sent shockwaves through the student community. Many are questioning how their lives will differ now that they still can’t go to pubs, still can’t see their mates, and still need to book a space in the library a semester in advance. However, the most riveting revelation in these revolutionary rules is the news that hairdressers and barbers will once again open their doors following Prime Minister Boris Johnson clocking the state of your disgraceful mop. 

The Whip has understood it was indeed your poor attempt to grow a mullet that has led to this decision, with the Prime Minister claiming it was even worse than that 2 all over you tried during the first lockdown. 

We caught up with one of Johnson’s aid, Rodney Barnet, to find out more about the new rules:

“So it’s pretty much the same as before, but tier 3 sounds a bit nicer than ‘lockdown’ doesn’t it? A bit less doom and gloom and a bit more big wedding cake in my opinion. Anyway, Boris has decided out of the kindness of his heart – as well for the sake of everyone that has to look at that rat’s nest on your head – that hairdressers will once again be allowed to cut the public’s hair whilst expounding questionable views on the legitimacy of the pandemic.”

Here at the Whip we greatly welcome the return of barbers and hairdressers, even if it just means some sort of physical contact with somebody that you don’t spend 16 hours a day talking to or avoiding talking to. Nonetheless, seriously get rid of the hair mate, it’s not funny anymore. 

Categories
Leeds

Leeds City Council completes Hyde Park redesign with potted plants, wall hanging and LED strip

The recent appearance of large potted plants in Hyde Park has caused great confusion and speculation amongst local residents as they ponder the origin of the sizable shrubbery. The Whip can now reveal that this is part of a wider refurbishment programme by Leeds City Council as an attempt to “liven the place up a bit”. Further additions will include a 30 foot wall hanging they bought back from their trip to Thailand and the replacement of all street lamps with a remote control LED strip that will make the vibes way more chill. 

We caught up with city councillor Sharon Succulent to gain insight into the dramatic design changes.

“Well people are always whining about potholes in the road, mountains of rubbish in alleyways and unkempt green spaces so we thought we’d make it a bit more homely you know. It hasn’t really fixed any of those problems, but everyone that comes over says the aesthetics are banging now – plus we’ve got a bit of incense to burn to get rid of that funny smell round the back of HFC.”

Whilst The Whip must agree that the vibe is a lot chiller now we question whether this is what Hyde Park residents want due to the congestion caused by the planters and the monetary cost of introducing this system. 

When asked about the financial aspect of this redesign Succulent conceded that the planters were a bit spenny, but reassures us LED strips were only a tenner off Amazon.