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Bristol Featured

Multifaith Chaplaincy to offer free Kool-Aid in latest giveaway

In the latest bid to increase attendance, Woodland Road’s Multifaith Chaplaincy has announced that it will be serving free Kool-Aid to all those in attendance this Sunday!

Following its change in administration earlier this year, the Chaplaincy has strived to provide a more all-encompassing doctrine for those looking to explore their faith.

As well as being a peaceful place to study and discuss spiritual matters, multifaith now also offers students the chance to ‘immerse themselves in the movement’ and ‘make the ultimate sacrifice for the good of the cause’.

Supreme Leader Xavier of the Exalted Blood is the mastermind behind the new rebrand, who hopes that offering incentives like this will attract a fresh intake of members.

In a statement he invited students to “Join us, and surrender yourself to the omnipotent holiness…”

Who said that religion had to be boring? Certainly not us!

One kind-hearted sniper-guard even allowed our ecclesiastical correspondent to speak with one of the lucky converts. They had this to say:

“I can feel it now… coursing through my veins… the power exists within us all and we cannot extinguish it… the light is fading now… I must join him…”

Get on down to the Multifaith Chaplaincy and claim your free Kool-Aid while stocks last!

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Bristol UK

Student drops out to pursue TikTok career after successfully learning The Macarena

It is no secret that we live in a world with a rapidly growing generation of booming, tech savvy wizzkids. Out of their own bedrooms, children are able to become millionaire online entrepreneurs, high flying crypto-currency traders and influential figures in the media with millions of followers. TikTok is the undisputed beating heart of this digital revolution; revamping and transforming our society into a fast flowing and interconnected utopia.

The Whip interviewed one of these influential voices of tomorrow: Emily Tanner, who recently dropped out of university to pursue a TikTok career after successfully learning The Macarena.

Tanner tells our reporter exactly how she first encountered the iconic song that birthed her career on the popular app:

“I was trying to translate the song as part of my modern languages summative assessment, but I just found it, like, so hard.”

Having failed at translating Despacito, The Macarena and Esskeetit by Lil Pump into English, Tanner knew her chances of scraping a degree were on the rocks. As a result of this hardship she decided to go back to square one and rather than translating The Macarena, try and master its intricate choreography.

The rest is history. So far, Tanner has amassed twenty-seven followers and is well on her way to becoming a top-tier influencer. She was reportedly disappointed with the rejection she received when she reached out to several major luxury hotels in Thailand with the offer of providing them ‘exposure’ in exchange for free accommodation and flights. Apparently, she was not too disheartened as she plans to travel South East Asia over summer anyway.

She cheerfully sang to our reporter that she will “TikTok in Bangkok, and the party don’t stop, no. Oh oh oh oh.”

Tanner predicts she will earn her first million by 2021 and will be worth 50 million by 2030. But Emily Tanner is not alone: she is just one of the many voices that propel our society forwards in this fast-paced, exciting digital era.

 

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Bristol Featured UK

Student goes cold turkey for Boxing Day sandwich

For many, Christmas is a time to relax and reboot, with the hardest choice being between custard and cream on your mince pie.

One student however, upped the ante this holiday with a whirlwind return to meat eating.  Zachary Samphire spoke to The Whip about his lifechanging decision to quit veganism cold turkey in favour of a really exciting sandwich opportunity.

“Veganism was actually last year’s resolution” Zachary told our reporter: “Great for the planet, great for my body and a great new bragging opportunity – I was getting so sick of telling people my GCSE results.”

Things, however, didn’t go off without a hitch, with Samphire failing to kick-start his resolution until last Thursday, 352 days into the ‘new’ year.

“Better late than never, eh? And the 9A*s and an A thing felt like it had a bit more mileage” he responded.

“A few days in I was loving my new lifestyle – I’d only accidentally eaten one block of extra mature cheddar and three French hens. Christmas day itself was fine too since I was too sloshed to eat anything but roast potatoes”

“But it all went tits up when my mum started making the boxing day sandwiches. I was hanging out my arse and all I could think about were those long afternoons sat in The Hawthorns eating violently horrible wraps from Source cafe”

In that moment, Zachary made the bold decision to quit veganism for good, saying goodbye to oat and nut milks in favour of just regular milk, drinking four full pints of the stuff in one go to mark the occasion.

“I’ve finally gone cold turkey and never felt better. I’m so glad I finally listened to my body.”

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Bristol Featured

Arts students finally take flight as strong breeze hits Woodland Road

As the nights draw closer and winter takes its hold upon the UK, one beautiful natural phenomenon exists to provide a silver lining: the bi-annual migration of the University’s Arts Faculty.

When term is almost over, the students flock together by the Hawthorns, then execute the Naruto run in synchrony down Woodland Road.

Using their long woollen coats as wings, they slowly begin to ascend and fly in a V-formation towards London, where one by one they peel off and dive down to their relevant Home Counties’ suburbia.

Our privilege correspondent Trustafaria Dunce was on hand to shed some light onto this remarkable behaviour:

“Students fly South-East in search of milder climates, nutritious food, and more comfortable nesting grounds.

“Many of them also migrate to end relationships with long term partners, and to declare everyone from their hometown a bigot because they haven’t read any of Judith Butler’s work on gender performativity.”

Come January the students will return, having decried Christmas as a consumer capitalist hoax, but totally unprepared for their impending exams.

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Bristol Featured UK

Heartbreaking: hornless narwhal unable to fight off aquatic terrorists

Distressing footage emerged this week of a narwal rendered defenceless against an attack from a group of floating fundamentalists. The dogmatic dolphins in question formed part of the terrorist organisation known as ISIS (Islamic State in Seawater) who incite hatred and violence towards non-dolphin members of the Cetacean genus.

Nelly the narwhal had her tusk taken from her in the 1960s by poachers, an action which would leave her vulnerable to floating fundamentalists several decades later.

Our marine correspondent Shelly Shores went to the scene of the crime to speak with Nelly, who is in a critical but stable condition.

“First of all, it’s not a tusk, it’s a protruding tooth, okay? We aren’t just some kind of sea-unicorn, despite what poetic Arctic explorers will tell you.

“Those poachers took my only means of defence, as well as my pride. Do you know how humiliating it is to be mistaken for a beluga whale by fat Americans on cruise ships?”

Nelly then revealed how she was able to escape her near-death encounter:

“Fortunately, I was able to grab an ornamental fisherman’s leg from the wall of a nearby pub and fight them off with that.

“I just hope my horn has been put to as much use out there.”

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Bristol UK

Boy waiting for Tinder date quickly checks phone to brush up on invented personality

With more people than ever meeting online, dating apps remain fraught with risk. One Tinder user, Miles Howard, revealed to The Whip that forgetting his constructed identity almost cost him a mediocre shag.

Miles and Isabella had matched just over a week prior in the early hours of Saturday morning, having both just returned from their respective mates’ DJ sets in the basements of two different Chinese restaurants. One tentative “u up?” was all it took to get the conversation flowing and after just 2 days of talking it was clear how much they had in common. “We both hated single-use plastic and loved the Labour Party, it was so meant to be.” Miles explained.

He was of course, lying about both of those things. Miles is a ride or die conservative, whose bags for life seldom last a week. “Dating is all about connecting with new people. If I have to be a different person myself to do that successfully, then so be it.

“The problem arose when I got to the bar for our date and realised I was wearing a V-neck jumper. They scream Tory, and I have 12,” Miles recounted. Scrolling anxiously through the chat he hid the jumper under his chair and quickly chucked away the straw from his gin and tonic.

“Thankfully she was late. Women are always late.”

Miles says that the experience has taught him a lot about the potential dangers of online dating and has this to say to our readers:

“Be whoever you want to be but always remember who you said you were, or you might end up losing a quite peng Ralph Lauren jumper”.

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Bristol

Review: Epigram Wildlife Series S01E01 – Reptiles

Breathtaking, moving, harrowing.

Epigram, the ‘award winning’ source of high-quality journalism on campus has this week made a venture into wildlife documentary. Episode 1 features previously unseen footage of the lizard-humanoid species Lacertilia proditor (common name Hugh Brady) as it attempts to imitate the human emotion of empathy.

Viewers were captivated by the pasty skin of the organism as it glistened in the sun, slowing warming the blood of its cold heart. Stunning extreme close-ups reveal the creature moistening its eyes by blinking horizontally, as well as catching an insect with its tongue; behaviour which has never been captured on film before.

Narrated by David Ike, the programme was not afraid to confront the socio-politics involved in conserving these magnificent reptiles either. Greedy lecturers demanding better pensions and selfish students asking for increased mental health provisions are just two of the issues which threaten the very existence of Brady’s second house in Marseilles.

The episode exited on a hopeful, more optimistic note; a panning shot of Brady cackling as he guzzled blood through the eye socket of a former UCU member.

Tune in next week for Episode 2: Pigs, which will feature the UoB Finance Director rolling around in heaps of SLC money like the filthy neoliberal swine that he is.

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Bristol

Lonely policeman delighted to be invited to Redland house party

Over the years, students of Redland have kindled a reputation for being obnoxious, entitled, and throwing some really banging house parties. Consequently, reports came in yesterday of one local law enforcement officer squealing with delight after receiving an invitation to one of these exclusive soirees.

The Whip spoke to our boy in blue PC Lackey earlier today, who gave us the story of how Cinderella finally made it to the ball.

“Goodness, where to begin!” gasped Lackey, “So here I was at 10pm, nibbling away at my pasty, cleaning my stepsister’s kitchen, just my regular Tuesday evening routine…”

“Then suddenly I get a call from the Sarge, who sends me to shut down a party on Chandos Road. I’d been practicing my Dirty Harry voice in the shower all week, so I was absolutely buzzing to give it a whirl!”

Clearly, it was an evening to remember. Our crime correspondent contacted the culprit behind the auditory offence, Sarah Goodman, to hear what happened when the long arm of law came knocking…

“It’s never a good sign when the filth show up to a party. But as soon as Constable Lackey arrived, we knew there was no threat.”

She continued, “Big beaming smile, top button of his shirt undone. We were about to ask him for a warrant but he looked so tragic that we felt bad and let him in.

Aside from the odd mistimed joke about handcuffing girls, PC Lackey really behaved himself. Watching him reel off the lyrics to Skepta’s Shutdown was a real highlight, and it goes without saying that he’s welcome back anytime.”

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Bristol UK

Student narrowly avoids scurvy after going home for reading week

A deficiency disaster was closely averted this week after one student made the journey back to his hometown in Surrey for reading week. After being given free reign over his diet for five weeks, first year economics student Peter Ingham-Staker registered the lowest recorded vitamin C level since the 17th century.

Fortunately, help was at hand. Mr Staker’s courageous flatmates scraped him up off their cold, damp floor and bundled him onto the first train to Guilford.

Thanks to the quick thinking of his friends, Peter’s mother was able to administer an emergency bowl of steamed broccoli and a sliced apple to him before the condition worsened.

The Whip spoke with Peter’s mother about his path to recovery. “After a week-long intensive course of vegetables and citrus-based foods, coupled with a fitness regime based around walking the dogs once a day, my little cherub is back to his normal self.”

“I’ve packed him enough frozen meals to last through to Christmas so he won’t have to worry about learning to cook for himself and can concentrate on the important stuff, like playing FIFA.”

When reached for comment, Peter said that he “couldn’t wait” to get back to his usual routine of smoking biftas and neglecting his health.

Captain James Cook said in a statement: “I thought I’d sorted this scurvy bollocks out years ago. It’s not hard to wrap your head around. Just don’t live soley on pot noodles and oven pizzas, you slovenly fools.”

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Bristol UK

Growing up: student enters seminar a boy, leaves a mansplainer

The Whip has been lucky enough to follow a true coming of age story this week. After actually attending his Philosophy of Ethics seminar, a second year student and former boy has since blossomed into a mansplainer.

Jack Parker never expected to leave his 10am with anything more than a headache. Little did he know it would give him the expertise to re-explain what he’d just learnt to his coursemates, none of which had asked him to, and all of which had also attended the same seminar.

“I don’t know why we call it ‘mansplaining’ and not just regular explaining. The fact that I’m a man is completely irrelevant” Jack told our reporter “and even if it were ‘mansplaining’ what would be so bad about that? If anything the ‘man’ part makes it even better, for example, we all know that Manchester is way better than Chester”.

According to our sources the “new” Jack is at work beyond the confines of the classroom, demonstrating that mansplaining could be considered not only a useful but transferable skill.

His housemate Chris noticed the change immediately and had this to say to The Whip: “Jack is so much more mature these days. Yes, he still gets his mum to do his washing but he’s started telling her exactly how he wants it done. Proper assertive”.

Jack intends to meet with his seminar tutor to thank her for the positive change in his life. “I think she’ll really appreciate me coming along to her office hours tomorrow, I bet I can even help her out with some of the trickier stuff”.

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Bristol UK

“Rugby is a hooligan’s game played by gentlemen” smirks man about to drink own piss

A smug rugby fan has made an unsubstantiated claim of moral superiority over football supporters, The Whip can confirm.

Richard Head, who plays in the second team for his village rugby club, made the statement earlier this morning as he lapped up a warm mixture of Carling and urine from between a teammate’s arse cheeks.

“You just don’t see the same level of sportsmanship in football” said Mr Head, vomiting into his own pint glass. “they’re a bunch of overpaid princesses who dive at the slightest touch.”

“Rugby is the real beautiful game” he continued, inserting a plastic funnel into his anus whilst opening a can of Fosters. “I’d like to see Rooney try and smash the All Blacks, the big-eared prick.”

The Whip spoke to ‘sports scientist’ Gene Eric for his views on the matter:

“Everyone knows that the game of rugby is an ill-disguised excuse for emotionally repressed men to embark on homoerotic endeavours. It’s even more embarrassing when they try and play the virtuous athlete part.”

“They are right about football fans though. Bunch of troglodytes.”

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Bristol UK

Fresher moves student card from lanyard into wallet, has threesome

A raunchy turn of events ensued this morning as one student had a newfound sexual revelation. Previously celibate engineering student Gene Eric found that by placing his student card out of sight into his wallet, he became immeasurably more attractive.

We interviewed one very flustered Mr Eric as he returned from his harem earlier today.

“It’s a miracle really, I usually wear my lanyard as if it were another limb. But for some reason I decided to spice up my day by putting my U-card in my wallet, right next to my Games Workshop loyalty card.

“As soon as I left the house, I noticed that something was different. At first it was just a few, but by the time I got into uni I was surrounded by hordes of honeys. It wasn’t long before I was oscillating the unmentionables with not one, but two of them!”

The Whip asked reproductive behavioural expert Dr Katherine Price about why U-card positioning matters so much.

“The latest research indicates that the pheromonal quality of student cards could be heightened when combined with leather, which may cause an increased interest from the opposite sex.

“Or maybe the lanyards just make you look like a massive knob? Who knows”