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Bristol UK

“We don’t want our pure English genes tainted!” cry inbred unemployed German family

With shockwaves from Harry and Meghan’s explosive Oprah interview reverberating around the world, Buckingham Palace once again finds itself in hot water.

Serious accusations of racism and bullying were fired its way, and naturally the palace was simply not going to take this one sitting down (with the notable exception of the Prince of Wales, who reportedly has refused to uncross his legs since ‘seeing those two Mega Hotties on telly at the same time’).

Issuing a passionate plea to the public, the British royal family has insisted that its abhorrent comments regarding baby Archie’s skin tone were simply aiming to preserve its pure, authentically English bloodline. After the howls of laughter had quietened down, The Whip’s Royal Correspondent managed to gain an exclusive interview with the unnamed royal family member who questioned the potential skin colour of baby Archie… 

“Well of course it was me, who the fuck else would it be??” exclaimed prince Phillip. “You think Charles can produce a zinger like that? He’d probably break down in tears and apologise to them, the wetty! At 99, I’ve had plenty of time to fine tune my ‘craft’, believe me…”

The consort continued, “as a Greek man, happily married to his cousin and living off the British taxpayer, I know that our family has a duty to keep the bloodline as unmarred and as authentically English as possible. After all, it’s what the public want.”

It seems then that the irony has not landed for this sorry bunch. Perhaps the best course of action is to go the traditional Windsor route, and keep it in the family.

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Bristol UK

Soft boy poet attempts to rhyme ‘orange’ with ‘Hinge minge’

Fuck boy’s deceptive brother, the ever-adored soft boy, makes his Hinge debut with fridge tally category “hinge minge”, suitably placed next to “whose cooking good looking” and “bin day sin day” rota. His progressive flatmate, Sam Woke, whistleblowed the matter. 

“It’s all a bit of fun really” blows Woke, “when he’s finished, or rather, arrived, he offers his date a cup of tea, hurries over to the fridge and ticks her off like you would on bin day!” he chuckles. “It’s not like he’s objectifying them, it’s just a bit of second tier irony! After all, all storms pass aha”.

Apparently, the trick is to seduce your date with some engaging and enriching Hinge coquetry, such as “I like that you’re depressed, that’s fun” and “you kind of look like my cousin”. The staunch feminist reaches his poetic climax when he tells his date “your breasts look like Finish All-In-One capsules, but like, in an attractive way”. The following anti-climax is made after rhyming the safe word “duckduckgoose” with “you’re so loose”, which surprisingly was not met with the same enthusiasm. 

You might be concerned about this Hinge Lothario, but rest assured, he is, according to Woke, “super feminist, he loves his mum and can recite Judith Butler’s Bodies That Matter. Oh, and he only watches ethical porn from a site called pOrNhÜb”. 

Since Woke spoke out about the chart, his flatmate has attempted to get in touch with Hinge’s PR team to put ‘Hinge minge’ as the sales pitch for the online dating site. He has since received a lifelong ban from the app, alongside a message: “remember, not all nice guys finish last”.

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Bristol UK

Pigeons Seize Myanmar in Military Coo

Given the extensive media coverage surrounding the military takeover of Myanmar, there has been surprisingly little attention paid to the masterminds behind the operation.

Very suspicious…”, thought The Whip’s undercover reporting unit.

After one thing led to another, and a socially distanced first-class flight was booked to Naypyidaw, we found ourselves in the land of the golden pagoda, as the western world’s first media outlet permitted to interview the new administration.

We were given strict instructions to follow our appointed guards into a darkened room, just behind the airport KFC. After the doors were shut, we heard a flurry of flapping, followed by the sound of a husky, grizzled voice…

“Please, take a seat…”

Shock filled the room when the glow of a cigar burst unexpectedly from foot level, and the avian commander-in-chief revealed himself to our reporters.

“There were always cries for revolution, and rightly so” snarled general Min

“From my earliest days in the air force, our kind have been belittled and mocked,” he continued, “bird-brained, headless chicken, the endless jokes made at the expense of me and my brethren drove us to take drastic action.”

“True to form, we’ve taken a liquid shit over democracy in Myanmar. They shall tremble in awe before a thousand years of feathery rule!”

Surprised by this unexpectedly cuddly junta, we consulted the recently imprisoned NLD leader Aung San Suu Kyi to hear her take on the new government…

“To be honest, I’m more scared of them than the last lot,” she confessed, “At least with General Than Shwe, I knew all he wanted was complete government control, but with these pigeons, their motives remain unknown…I just don’t know what to expect!”

Much uncertainty remains for the people of Myanmar, all we know is that NOBODY’S bread is safe for the foreseeable future. The Whip will continue to provide updates as the situation unfolds…

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Bristol UK

Police use confiscated DJ gear to host “fat fuck off rave”

At 4 in the morning last Sunday, Tyndalls park resident revellers (and plague vectors) were greeted by the warm embrace of everyone’s favourite oppressive governmental force, the Avon county police force. The ravers were happy to bring the swine into their drove assuming that they were there for the shindig. Bodycam footage of the event lets us hear joyous screams of “POLICE, POLICE” as the party goers welcome them. However, it soon became obvious that they were not there for fun, as they herded the partygoers into one room, taking their IDs and promising hefty fines despite the fact that the groups combined income barely scraped minus £37. But the problems for the now impoverished students did not stop there, as the police proceeded to take thousands of pounds of events equipment and half of their fridge’s contents. 

While all assumed this would be the last time the decks would be spun, our team of highly trained reporters did some digging and found out the shocking truth. The recent crackdown was just a ploy to get better equipment for sergeant Bobby Varken’s leaving party. The party has been described by our sources as an “absolute madness” and “literally so mental”. While the former police sergeant denied the claim, stating it was nothing more than “a few drinks with the unit”, leaked drone footage of the event showed over 100 doughnut-munching bootlickers nodding their heads in unison to nu-metal.

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Bristol UK

Brexiteers watch Bridgerton to find the pull-out method doesn’t work

At school we were taught that the pull-out method doesn’t work. But like many students, it hasn’t stopped the UK trying. It seems the old “close your eyes and think of England” trick couldn’t be more current in today’s post-EU climate.

The pull-out method, otherwise known as coitus interruptus, has been in use since biblical times, popular amongst fuckboys in powdered wigs and Dominic Cummings. Romp-saga Bridgerton repopularised the method but with an unwanted comeback.   

After her mother’s wed-bed advice, “birds and the bees? I don’t know her”, Daphne is convinced she and the Duke can belly-to-belly around their bedroom, gardens, and Heaven! Forbid! The! Library! Ladders! and still not be With Child. Yet, Daphne’s pregnancy proves that the Duke’s “honeymooning” into a tissue is not a reliable method of birth control. (The Whip does not recommend this at home.)

Upon watching, Brexiteer viewers have found that the pull-out method does have its comeuppance. After some long 47 thrusts (sorry, years) into the EU, Britain officially divorced her counterpart on the 31st of December.

At first, Europe was like Bridgerton’s ‘Diamond of the first water’: if you weren’t her, you would want to be in her. Britain is like Simon, a fuckboy who has been in Europe for some time but cannot commit all the way. Daphne is just as frustrated as Europe, although she hasn’t introduced any tariffs…yet. You can’t expect to get divorced without any tears along the way.

In both Bridgerton and Europe, there is a reason the pull-out method is a missed conception. It just doesn’t work.

Yes, I am certain Britain can spill its seed elsewhere, but will they have magic stars? Probably not.

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Bristol UK

Year abroad student learning surprisingly little French trapped in Surrey

Ah, the year abroad. Once frustrating for your friends, now just as frustrating for you. 

With many unable to travel thanks to Brexit and that pesky ol’ corona, The Whip decided to interview some 3rd year languages students about their year abroad experience. After all, they’re getting pretty lonely in their parents’ houses and could use the company…

“The closest I’ve got to a culture shock was a particularly bad yeast infection”, said our first interviewee, “and when I reached out to the uni for help we got back this blanket email: 

Dear Year 3 students, 

Sux 2 be u lol 

Yours Sincerely, 

The Department of Modern Languages

… made me cry a little bit to be honest”.

Others we spoke with shared her disillusionment, such as Rob Hughes, who simply responded with “Je joue au football le week-end avec mes amis” and some heavy sobbing when we asked if his French had improved. 

Some Spanish students have been going to extreme lengths to try and replicate the year abroad experience from home, with one reportedly changing all her clocks to Cuba time. “I haven’t seen sunlight in weeks” she told our reporter, shivering and taking yet another long drag from a ‘cigar’ that was clearly just a tampon wrapped in brown paper. 

Looks like karma finally got those smug bastards…

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Bristol UK

Subject parent goes out for pack of cigs during family Zoom quiz and never comes back

I’ll level with you folks, this one’s a tearjerker.

In COVID Britain, it’s estimated divorce rates have increased 34% since first the lockdown in March – households torn apart, children left distressed and confused as they adapt to single-parent life and that’s just amongst Childhood Studies families.

In a sorry chain of events, it seems one more relationship has fallen victim to the virus, as Ted Perrins, a 20-year-old, 2nd year Geography student and father, left a family zoom quiz ‘for a smoke’, but never returned, leaving his wives and kids distressed and concerned.

We caught up with daughter, Millie Harper, for more details.

“We were the perfect nuclear family,” said the bereft fresher, “two mums, one dad, four kids, living it up at the same uni, going to the pub like all good families should be doing – simple, but effective.”

Following the introduction of a 2nd lockdown, however, everything changed for the geographers, who were forced to transfer their weekly ‘pub seshes’ (their words not mine) to virtual form.

“Obviously Zoom does a job,” Harper continued, “but you just can’t recreate the electricity of a cold Steam smokers on a Tuesday night, or being told to put your mask on while going for a piss at WGs – it’s just not the same.”

Ted had ‘gone out’ just two weeks later, his Zoom background of the Bahamas the only thing to remember him by.

According to his family, the signs were subtle but apparent. As well as fewer ‘wow’ reacts in the group chat, his quiz questions changed from things like ‘what’s the capital of Slovenia?’ to, ‘what’s the best baccy for money?’ with ‘what’s the psychological impact of parental abandonment?’ for a bonus point. But of course, hindsight is 20:20.

A final plea came from his eldest daughter, stating, “Dad, if you’re out there, please come back – we still need to decide on a theme for our joint 21st.”

Truly heartbreaking.

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Bristol UK

Big Ralph Lauren logo: small todger, study confirms

A study by science confirmed today that there is an observable negative correlation between the size of the logo on your Ralph Lauren polo and the length of your wang. 

“The larger the horse the smaller the steed” explained a guy we interviewed, who we’re pretty sure was either a scientist or a pervert on account of his long coat and inability to make eye contact with our reporter. “This phenomenon can be observed in both length and girth” he continued “and to be honest I’ve had a great time doing the observing”. 

We also reached out to William Gates (no relation), intern at a hedge fund and victim of the phenomenon, who let us in on the big problems his micropenis has been causing –  “Daddy always taught me that polo shirts with logos smaller than our polo pony were a symbol of destitution. I never truly realised the effect it would have on my own lil Will… how am I supposed to continue the family name when I can’t even find IT half the time?”

Emotional about his ‘situation’, William spent the rest of the interview trying to soothe himself by name dropping celebrities he’d had ‘supper’ with and explaining the rules of cricket. 

We’d like to remind any readers in a similar situation that it’s ok to seek help. After all, isn’t having a small pecker really more of a state of mind? 

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Bristol UK

Lack of student fun exposes huge vacuum in complaining neighbour’s life

We spent a day with Redland’s soul-searching community in an attempt to gain a better understanding of Bristol’s next big health crisis.

Charles, a semi-retired lawyer and full-time narc, stares wistfully out of the large french windows which overlook the drive of his Redland townhouse. A Range Rover sits idle on the drive, but it is clear that Charles isn’t appreciating the majesty of his oversized SUV.  “I remember the days when I’d be making three, four or maybe even five complaints to the university and police respectively about student fun in the area. I’d spend whole evenings listening out for the sounds of laughter and music, and then report it immediately to the police. But it’s all changed.” As Charles reflects on the new covid reality a marked change in tone presents itself. Transitioning from proud nostalgia to angered regret, Charles is clearly grappling with the fact that Redland just isn’t what it used to be.

From shouting at young people, sometimes toddlers, on the downs to watching YouTube videos of parties being shut down, Charles has tried to recreate the “thrill of spoiling someone’s evening and wasting police time. To Charles, however, it has become painfully obvious that simulating the real thing is an impossible task.

This change in daily life is especially hard on a group of people who have, almost imperceptibly, built a whole identity upon neighbourhood vigilantism casting students as public enemy number one. Charles uses a pertinent, though not quite as relatable as he thinks, thought experiment to convey his plight; “imagine how Batman would be feeling if The Joker were permanently killed and then times that emptiness by a thousand”. Truly harrowing stuff.

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Bristol UK

‘Go on, eat us!’ replies horny rich

After years of silence and the awkward hesitation they are known for, the rich have finally gotten back to society’s revolutionary clamorings, belching forth a sweaty proposition. 

‘Eat Us’, the new initiative, is being bannered across the cul de sacs of Surrey, under the mock Tudor shamelessness of Cheshire and amid the concerningly patriotic bunting of Kent. Rumour has it Cath Kidston has already begun embroidering the phrase in its new line of Naughty Nellies lingerie. 

The Whip has yet to uncover whether this new approach will effectively tackle systemic oppression of the working classes; we wandered around the University of Bristol trying to gage public (well, private) opinion of the new policy. 

While eavesdropping within the famous Clifton Observatory we overheard some common phrases, among them ‘Saatchi’, ‘crikey o’reilly’ and ‘so now they’ve separated they just live in different wings’, but no major themes of social change. 

In fact, it was those individuals with the boldest socialist-socialite attire and peppiest tendency towards self-mockery who seemed the most at home atop the mound. Lord, with all the illustrated tote bags and Frieda Kahlo earrings on show, even Grayson Perry couldn’t tapestry fast enough. 

Alas, it seems there is no foreseeable end to class hypocrisy, but The Whip is dedicated to reporting it, straight from our Macbooks. 

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Bristol

Bristol and UWE come together to make fun of BIMM students

Since its ascension to university status in 1992, UWE has been seen somewhat as a rival to the University of Bristol, creating lots of sexy, sexy tension in Bristol’s clubs where the two are forced to mingle. However, as Sun Tzu teaches us, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. It is this ancient proverb that formed the basis of a sudden influx of bonding between the two universities and their students as a new target of bullying emerges: people who chose to go to BIMM.

As both once decent universities devolve into mere online experience – a very shit online experience, akin to an expensive Club Penguin – students have been searching for an outlet to release frustration. As Esta Yanua ( Third year Philosopher)  puts it, “ Like even though I’m paying nine grand a year to stare at a screen and  not learn anything, at least I’m not at BIMM” . After venturing down Hotwell road I was met by Carl Jacques who I questioned about the institute of wubs and finger guns.

“Some people used to make fun of me for doing music at UWE and it really hurt. That’s why I’m happy to have someone I can look down on as well. It’s nice to finally have something to chat to my snotty mates at UOB about. We found this one BIMMer on SoundCloud and it’s hilarious to listen to.”.

I asked BIMM student Gregory Hunt to comment on the situation but he refused to, unless I listened to the whole of his new neo-ragga-dubtek mix, “The Turbo Island Tapes”. Unfortunately I could not make it past the first drop.

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Bristol UK

Pfizer vaccine to be refrigerated in student house

With its sub-zero storage needs, the question of where and how to store the Pfizer vaccine has been puzzling politicians and medical experts alike in recent weeks. However, in a significant Covid breakthrough, The Whip can report one group of UoB second years have offered the vaccine a home in their Siberian-esque student house, in a bid to save both cash and humanity.

“We were wondering why it was colder than usual,” said Redland resident, Lily Parker, “when we realised someone had set the thermostat to -74 degrees – classic us! Initially, we were pretty gassed, temperature’s that low and you’re practically making back your bill money.”

The shivering student continued, “Then the penny dropped. Minus 70: the number we’d all been reading about, the promised land. We got Hancock on the line and offered to take all the vaccines he could get his sweaty, slimy hands on. Now, we’ve got 10 million doses in the hall, with 40 million planned for the landing by spring!”

The Bristol students have such lack of faith in their insulation, they’re expanding, hoping to secure a liquid nitrogen contract for the downstairs toilet by next winter.

There is a hope this frosty philanthropy will alter negative public perception of students when it comes to COVID, but the scrimping second years did concede, with Christmas round the corner, they would be willing to abuse their access to the vaccine in order to get “what we want.”

Indeed, Tom Jenkins, a middle-floor, loser resident, commented on the prospect of a quid pro quo between him and his Grandmother, with a PS5 firmly on his Xmas Wishlist and his diabetic Gran “absolutely gagging” for the lifesaving medication.

Scared and confused, The Whip left the premises immediately.