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Bristol UK

Boy who wears nail varnish still raging misogynist

Remarkably, boy wearing nail varnish is still subject to the heavy hammer bore by toxic masculinity despite his greatest efforts. We met up with Harry Piles, who killed us softly when he told us, “Wearing nail varnish is great because I get to look vibey in my mirror selfies.”

Piles, who amongst wearing nail varnish is also esteemed for having never heard of foreplay, takes pride in his commitment to breaking down the thick, thick walls that define emasculation. “I’ve just finished Call Me By Your Name have you heard of it? It moved me, big time.” Once he finishes up outlining the entirety of his surface-level pop culture knowledge, Piles boasts his self-awareness: “I’m quite different to other guys, like, I’m definitely 100% feminist.”

Piles, who was wearing head-to-toe Carhartt when we interviewed him, then contemplates his dating history. “Yeah my ex-girlfriend didn’t understand I had to just, like, figure some things out.” Piles explains the troubled thoughts and chronic identity crises that led him down the adulterous path. The initial cheat, at a Mac Demarco concert, sent him spiralling into his high infidelity. “It wasn’t my finest moment but in hindsight nothing really matters on this big floating rock we call Earth. Also my ex had hair on her arms which is kind of fucked up anyway.”

The Whip concludes that Piles is a specimen that John Green could only ever dream of concocting in his literary laboratory. However, heavy is the hand that wears the nail varnish, so we can’t slate Piles for his stoic attempt at political correctness. That being said ladies, we’d steer clear as he will probably give you chlamydia, or if not, definitely a UTI.

Categories
Bristol

Taka Taka now just Taka after furloughing half of workforce

The adored Greek restaurant chain ‘Taka Taka has been forced to rename itself to just Taka after furloughing half of its staff. The shock decision has devastated students who enjoyed their infamous halloumi wraps after a messy night out. A spokesperson for ‘Taka’ explained this decision to The Whip.

In a statement he said, “ 2020 has been a very challenging year. The pandemic has forced us to adopt a glass half empty mind set. In order to manage the losses we suffered during the pandemic we’ve started serving half the food for double the price. It’s perfect economics.”

Students however were less than impressed with Taka’s decision. Tom Foolery, a fresher reading English and Philosophy, told The Whip that he “has half a mind to march to Taka’s singular door and demand they change their name back. In my opinion Taka isn’t ready to lose it’s better half.”

This historical renaming of this much beloved diner has triggered a chain reaction across Bristol’s high streets. ‘Falafel King’ has renamed itself to ‘Falafel Knave’, ‘Starbucks’ to ‘Starbuck’ and most notably ‘Pieminister’ to ‘This Pieminister Better Pay for His Shite Handling of the Pandemic’.

Categories
Bristol UK

Self-isolating? Here are 6 easy recipes to help you dissociate from reality

Just found out you have to imprison yourself at home? Then it’s time to get stir-crazy! Here are some of my favourite self-isolation recipes which never fail to make me feel all warm and cosy.

1.) Tears on toast

Very simple, perfect for beginners. You only need two ingredients; self-hatred and bread (any kind). Great for those loathsome mornings you wish never had begun. 

2.) Existential Cris-eggs 

Ever need a moment to contemplate your entire existence? Try whipping up some eggs and thinking, “What is the point?” Make it vegan by substituting the eggs with tofu and trepidation.

3.) Vitamin D

Easy life-hack. If you’re starting to look pale and feel sluggish, then try standing in the few rays of sunlight that manage to pierce through your closed blinds. Couldn’t recommend this enough!

4.) Your housemate’s cereal

Ah, the forbidden fruit. There’s nothing like the added rush of adrenaline from theft to kick start your mornings.

5.) Cabin Fever Curry

When I’m starting to feel especially claustrophobic and irritated by everything, I love to make this and have everyone around to witness my emotional shortcomings. This meal is also great for batch cooking, which will save you a bunch of time for staring blankly at the damp walls that temporarily confine you.

6.) Why-wont-anybody-love-me Pie

This one is particularly special when eaten alone in front of a mirror. Can be sweet or savoury!

Whip Tip: try sticking to one of these recipes for every meal for consistency and routine. This is key for blending all your days into one and losing grip of reality.

Categories
Bristol UK

‘This is not British’, White people infuriated Sainsbury’s ad depicts non-dysfunctional Christmas

Just when the Daily Mail thought Britain’s identity crisis couldn’t become any more serious, another devastating blow was struck by the Sainsbury’s marketing team.  White Britons uttered a collective gasp when a distinctly non-white, and more disturbingly, non-dysfunctional family was depicted in their recent Christmas advert…don’t worry, we’re still getting our heads around it as well.

As complaints flooded into OFCOM, The Whip’s Gammon correspondent caught an interview with furious Derby resident Linda Bingham to get her take on the seemingly rather innocuous advert…

“I am LIVID!” the septuagenarian roared, “I suppose THIS really is what the left wants every Christmas to be like now: Where are the kids screaming to their parents that they wanted their iPhone in white not black? No embarrassingly drunk uncles? Clearly this director has never set foot in any proper British household.”

Against the pleas of literally everybody on the production team, she continued, “I just want an advert that reflects a REAL English Christmas…you know, the kind where your brother brings up the time his wife cheated on him at the table and granny calls her a trollop in front of everyone; I think this erosion of traditional British values is a disgrace.”

After Linda mercifully left early to find a wine salesman to torment, exhausted OFCOM employee Rajit Mehta gave us his verdict on the fierce, yet confusing backlash to this unexpectedly controversial advert…

“You’d think xmas ads would be pretty fucking difficult for people to get angry about,” he began, “but these gammons continue to outdo themselves, it’s almost impressive how offensive they find people of colour being portrayed on British TV.”

He continued, “But what I really don’t get is why white people think they’re so special; just because my family’s not white, doesn’t mean they don’t go just as batshit mental during the holidays as well…”

Categories
Bristol UK

Rugby thirds angered after Covid restrictions force them to drink Fosters rather than each other’s piss

Covid has hit everyone hard and, as we know, the bigger you are the harder you fall. Unfortunately for them, the UOB rugby team is mostly comprised of absolute units. These mountains of men were first disappointed to learn that their trainings and games had been taken from them, despite other lesser sports still managing to squeeze in sessions. But now many of them think the restrictions have gone too far, with new measures stating that the consumption of human urine may not be as hygienic as once thought.

Thirds captain Edward Dent is credited with the genius decision to substitute out the filthy hazing method with a similar watery foul-tasting broth: Fosters. However, this decision has sparked some controversy within the group since some members feel that it is too cruel to force one another to partake in such a vile beverage. Here is what Harry Thatcher ( Second Team prop) had to say about the change:

“So Shanks hands me a crisp yellow-tinted pint glass and yells at me to chop it, muscle memory kicks in and it’s down my throat in seconds. Imagine my surprise when instead of the warm musky liquid I’m used to, its fucking Fosters! I felt so dirty — like who does that to someone? Is it meant to be a joke? Because I know I was not laughing”.

My heart goes out to all the piss-drinkers suffering through this and I hope a return to normality is soon.

Categories
Bristol UK

Straight white male selects ‘prefer not to say’

Cis straight white males, Harry is their name and privilege is their game. Love them or hate them, they’ll still do better than you in life! They are men of mystery, less James Bond, lust and guns, more premium bonds and trust funds.

The Whip actually found a Harry, in this case a recent economics graduate, and asked him how his prospects for employment were looking. He was relaxed, charming and charismatic; we couldn’t help but fall for his cis straight white male charm. 

“Hey beautiful ;). Yeah it was pretty bless to get a job, I’m going to be working at a consultancy firm in London”. We were almost attracted to him, then we found out his father actually owned the firm, to which he cheerfully replied, “Hahahaha, yeah well… you know how the cookie crumbles!” 

We, at The Whip, did not know the cookie he was referring to. 

 

Categories
Bristol UK

BREAKING: Dominic Goings

This is a breaking news story. More to follow.

Categories
Bristol

‘Uh, I know it’s such a cliche’: Hanoi local shows off bedroom tapestry by UOB student

Tapestries made by UoB students are all the rage amongst Vietnamese locals this year, as locals in Hanoi adorn their bedrooms with the super original and authentic “ethnic cloths” en masse. The Whip managed to grab a quick comment from one man who had covered every wall of his student flat with a different hanging.

He explained, “On my gap yahhh I spent months trawling round Bristol. I tasted the local cuisine at a place called ‘Taka Taka’. Am I pronouncing that right? T-A-K-A T-A-K-A. Chips and curry – real authentic British cuisine you can’t get anywhere else. I also went to Bristol’s amazing tourist spots. The W.G. Grace, The Berkeley – real cornerstones of Great British culture. I really began to feel like a local when I started chundering down myself in the street at 3:00 am – Rule Britannia!”

“Not only was I able to find myself on my gap yah, but I was also able to find killer bargains for these tapestries. What better way to show all my friends that I am super edgy and well travelled than to cover my room, floor to ceiling, with random crap from my gap yah… did i mention that I went on gap yah?  Anyways, these tapestries are sure to be a total pussy magnet.”

Unfortunately this local’s attempt to stand out from the crowd with his bedroom decor proved counterproductive when he realised every other local in Hanoi had similarly decorated their walls with UOB made tapestries.

Categories
Bristol UK

‘You have to separate the art from the artist’ and 10 other things men like to say

Men. What are they like!

Lots of times they come out with all sorts of weird conspicuous tittle-tattle to try to impress you and get you to ignore the hand welded into your lower back. As manslaughter is still illegal, it’s important to react calmly in such situations and recognise these common conversational blackholes which often ensnare others. Luckily The Whip is on hand with a number of common phrases to look out for and thus avoid said entrapment: 

1.) ‘You have to separate the art from the artist’

2.) ‘It’s like this new kind of anti-comedy comedy’

3.) ‘Biden’s not even really a Democrat though, if you think about it’

4.) ‘So we ended in Venezuela playing Azul with the diplomat’s half-brother; that was when she walked in’

5.) ‘It is kind of a grey area though’

6.) ‘Doesn’t really count if students spread it here cause we’re not vulnerable’

7.) ‘Ah sorry for doing that, I’m just going through a lot, feeling really low, you know. When I’m down I tend to lash out so, yeah. Can’t really talk right now. Just thinking through things.’

8.) ‘Honestly I don’t think enough women even want to do panel shows’

9.) ‘Thought you didn’t know! Was just trying to help :/’

10.) ‘I’m not saying we should look up to the statues, but they are a part of history’

11.) ‘It’s all semantics though isn’t it’

 

Categories
Bristol UK Uncategorised

Nevada: ‘I’m here for a long time not a good time’

We live in a society. Big and scary; fast and flashy; sometimes sexy? But that’s enough about me, let’s get back to this so-called society. It is, as many leading sociologists like to term it, and that XR bloke who nabbed your four pack of Scrumpies at the last Avonmouth free party, a fucking capitalist hellscape. We buy, sell, buy, sell, sell.. sell.. buy… We rush around in our crumpled, knock-off suit and claggy-with-the-condensation-of-foot Skechers combination, consume the reduced egg and cress sandwich, and thrust the adult scooter (cheeky) into our pathetic little recruitment job. We pen love letters ‘to the girl with hair on her head’ in the commuter crush section of the Metro and pore over crumpled father / daughter thrillers that are Taken AGAIN! It’s shite. It’s fast-paced and it’s shite. We’re all tired of, if you can pardon the Millennial phrasing, adulting.

A certain geographical land mass is also tired, and has decided to take a backseat in this brisk world. We caught up with absolute tease, the state of Nevada, who has been longing out the vote count for probably at least several decades at this point:

‘Mate, I’m just straight up vibing’, the state expressed. ‘My therapist told me to really just take life a day at a time, so every day I wake up and I count a singular vote – just the one 🙂 – then crack on with meditating. Once I’ve done my daily dose of Himalayan throat singing, occasional primal scream therapy if my Chi is particularly off that morning, I book in for a ketogenic, non-violent acupuncture session. Do you know how many needles it takes to cover 286,382 km2of terrain? Quite a few, I’m thinking.’

When asked if taking all this time for themselves has been beneficial for their wellbeing, the state responded simply: ‘no, not really.’ ‘I’ve been using all of this time to try and relax but I can’t help but feel like there’s something else that I should be doing… Something serious. Not sure what, I’m undecided at the moment. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see ;).’

Categories
Bristol UK

National lockdown, writing your essay and 5 other urgent things that probably should have started before today

1. National lockdown

‘NOW is the time to take action because there is no alternative, so from Thursday…’

2. Starting your essay

FLASH SALE!

Do your entire essay the night before the Friday due date for the low, low price of your mental and physical health! With deals like this, there’s no reason not to leave it til today.

3. The washing up

Both you and your flatmates hate the smell of old ketchup but washing up right away is for lame nerds, so wait until everyone you live with resents you and do it then.

4. Calling your mother

Keep her on her toes. Make her wait.

5. Finishing off your spring onions

Spring onions: the biggest scam of modern times. Why do they sell them in such big bunches? What kind of person needs that many of them in one go? All you want is just one for the top of your instant ramen but here you are, stuck eating spring onions til what feels like the end of time and regretting every decision you’ve ever made that lead up to this moment. Days and days of adding them to everything blur into one and you eventually give up, putting them deep down in the vegetable drawer with all that scary brown juice. The birds get back to singing, the sky looks bluer than it ever has, and you finally feel like yourself again. You convince yourself that you’ll get back to them later but you know full well that they’ll be off once you do. It’s just one of those universal truths that we all try and convince ourselves isn’t inevitable.

6. Washing your bed sheets

It’s 2020, how isn’t there an easier way to put on a duvet cover…

7. Quit that bad habit

Monday is such a classic day to start a new ‘lifestyle’. Don’t be a basic bitch and give up the only thing that brings you joy in life on a Thursday instead.

Categories
Bristol UK

BREAKING: 2020 is not hell, it is purgatory

Amid the chaos of this morning’s political landscape, a senior aide from the pits of hell has publicly dispelled his organisation’s authority of this calendar year, saying, “This is purgatory.” Beelzebub Jr. Jr., a thin gargoyle-like creature, seemed distressed in his announcement, reiterating, “This is a bit intense, even for us!”

Drawing on the founding pillars of the underworld, ‘Vengeance, Violence and VaVaVoom,’ Beelzebub Jr. Jr. admonishes 2020’s lack of creativity, flair, or clarity in its turmoil. Speaking with The Whip, he argued,

“Dread, existential floundering, a constant feeling of you putting your hand in your pocket and your phone not being there, that’s not us! Purgatory dines out on that kind of anxious uncertainty, it funds their fucking staff parties that they never stop going on about, ‘Oh, guess what game we play?’ ‘Oh, haha, I don’t know Jeremiah, is it limbo, you prick?’”

It may be some comfort to readers that we are not in hell, but many have questioned whether eternal damnation could be better. One groaning man with grey skin and two empty plastic bags tied to his hands said, unprompted, “At least there’d be stability, security, some kind of sense of future. At least I’d feel something.”