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Bristol UK

Parents demand gift receipt for the disappointment you’ll give them at Christmas

Struggling to find a gift for your parents this holiday season? Don’t worry, you’ve already given them more than enough! It’s a yearly struggle to find the perfect gift for your guardians, but they’re definitely more interested in your short comings than anything you scrounge up last minute. On that note, fuck the gift, let’s try and make things as impossible as ever.

Why not start off by bringing up your graduation prospects, beat them to the punch. In this economic climate, it’s a recipe for success. It’s all about controlling the narrative this festive season.

Maybe this year it’s time to embrace the teen-angst personality you manage to adopt whenever you step foot inside your family home. Let’s get ANGRY for no particular reason. Someone making a comment about your appearance? Scream uncontrollably like a domestic Flashbang.

Picture this, you’re feeling boozy at the dinner table, the conversation is feeling a little dry… no better time to bring up your opposing socio-political views. Pass the brussels sprouts and let’s talk imperialism. Any senior member of the family will surely choke.

If you’re feeling especially devious or trapped into an uncomfortable conversation that needs to end, it’s time to wear those skeleton’s hanging in the family closet. Like a bat out of hell, throw that drama bomb and run away.

You can truly become a treat to have around. Whatever family traditions you have over the winter holidays, I’m sure there will be ample opportunity to create some scandal. Here’s to the gift they can’t possibly return… you!

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Bristol UK Uncategorised

Gap Year students forced to find themselves in parents’ living room

Gappers travel halfway across the world to experience a culture completely different from their own. We have all met (or been) the self-proclaimed explorer who won’t let you get the next drink because they modestly have to tell you about that time they found Nirvana in the Gangotri temple in the Uttarkashi region. Hedonistic wankers. But, with lockdown restrictions, this year’s trustafarians find themselves closer to the bank of mum and dad.

The Whip visited Arabella Deferred, to see if her lockdown nap year had invoked any holistic awakenings. It sounded like pure debauchery.

The morning Thai Chi class has been replaced by Joe Wicks. The Ethereal Haze once founded on the far-reaching views of the Andes, is now created by the fractoluminescence of the Sainsbury’s Van. Arabella has also found a way of “building character” through baking banana bread, after many failed attempts at learning Mandarin.

Arabella describes life amidst the pandemic as a “culture shock”, she scoffs: “I’m no hypochondriac but getting used to lockdown life has taken its toll on my  physical-mental-spiritual-ecclesiastical wellbeing that I can only describe as finding myself.”

Overhearing her father say “uncharted waters” for the 56th time, reminds Arabella of “the perilous waters of the Amazon River I would be exploring if I was still on my Gap Year”.

Spying on neighbours becomes the new safari, for curtain-twitching Arabella, who at this point in the visit has already succumbed to calling 3 dealers for some “naughty salt” which apparently helps her to “transcend reality through mind-numbing Epicureanism with a dash of getting absolutely mortal”

“Drug dealahs count as key workahhhs right?” asks Arabella, with trailing vowels and no hint of irony detected.

 

 

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Bristol UK Uncategorised

Student house wifi found guilty for torture at The Hague

Wi Fi was found guilty for torture and crimes against humanity in the International Court of Justice this morning after a long and arduous trial.

The prosecutors were a collective of students’ parents, who somehow managed to all be barristers, mostly upper-middle class, and entirely used to super fast fibre optic broadband. So fast that papa’s money can be wired to the account before one even need to ask!

Cries for Wi Fi’s demise were omnipresent in student homes across the country. Proof of torture and crimes against humanity was put forward by the prosecutors in the form of internet data speeds and microphones, picking up shrieks of pain and anger and live reactions such as “this is killing me!”, “I’d rather be waterboarded” and “it’s taking ages for my porn… I mean seminars to load!”

The campaign was fierce, the defendant, Fi, argued that if students’ Netflix binge habits and Tiktok addiction wasn’t so rife within their “disgusting little dwellings”, the internet would be fine.

As much as Mx. Fi did have a decent case, the jury found it hard to sympathise due to lack of a connection.

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Bristol UK

‘Old soul’, bigot and other synonyms

They describe themselves as wise beyond their years, unable to follow the norms of mainstream culture. So defiant against being ordinary, they even call themselves… an “old soul”. But what does this mean in the twenty-first century? The Whip looked at some alleged Old Souls to learn more about their hardships…

As History fresher Jemima Crow recently confessed to Instagram, “I actually bond better with old people than people my own age. I yearn to listen about stories of how things used to be.” Fascinating stuff.

Don’t get us wrong, Octogenarians can be lovely, but to bond with them more than your own generation…perhaps a bit suspicious. Going from their twitter feed, Crow has been spending a lot of time sympathising with Maggie Thatch; it’s the xenophobia and misogyny for her.

Another student, who wished to remain anonymous to stay off ‘the grid’ says, “I would definitely call myself a lone wolf, I’d rather be alone than have superficial relationships.” Wow good for you, Aquarius. Think we’ll have to pass on the old mansplaining today.

Finally, third year student Graham shared some of his enlightenment, “I’m always questioning everything, like, I love asking everyone where they’re from”. Ahh no thanks Graham- perhaps try and keep the questioning to yourself.

Shucks, maybe we’re just envious of their spiritual enlightenment and emotional stability, or maybe the smell of their bullshit is just too strong…but some things just need to stay in the past.

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Bristol UK Uncategorised

Lockdown bakers opposed to tougher tier system

Boris Johnson’s introduction of the new tier system has caused havoc amongst bakers, the PM stipulating “if you must bake, do. But please don’t bake”. Speculation about tiered policies has hit the cake world by storm. Coffee and Walnut was hit the worst – the 11 – by – 15 incher reportedly toppled at the news – even the icing was in tiers.

Great British Bake Off plans have also been curtailed.  Contestants are forced to replace the architecturally challenging tier cake building with muffin-making. Another muffin, Paul Hollywood, spoke out against the changes, deploring that many frontrunners have been banned from the tent and been encouraged to masterbake at home.

To help ease tensions and resolve confusion, The Whip has drawn up a translation of the tier system for every baker’s kneads.

Tier 1: Chocolate Gateaux– something for everyone. The Bruce Bogtrotter of restrictions. Can even lick your friends’ fingers after consumption.

Tier 2: Lemon Drizzle – tastes a bit like Toilet Duck, but the sugar glaze cleanses the little-boys-room palette. Can also enjoy at a cheeky sleepover.

Tier 3: Malt Loaf – a reprehensible crime against baked goods. Even though it reminds you of your nan, do not bring this near her!! We can see why this would suffer from a case of “soggy bottom”. (N.B. Bristol students do not confuse this with the xanax-induced oopsy poopsy)

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Bristol UK

Durex releases hazmat suit with built-in condom

This article was written in affiliation with Durex condomery. 

Occasionally there are technological developments that truly break the mould of what we as a the human race thought was possible. Ideas are the bedrock, nay the pillars, of civilisation, propping up a richly gilded pediment of human accomplishment and history. Penicillin, electricity, sliced bread and now this…

The Hazmat-Shag-Bag is looking to be the most innovative and creative technological development of the 21st century – move over Steve Jobs!

I caught up with one key figures of the Durex team who lead this bold new thrust into modernity, Willie Covett. ‘We wanted something multifunctional, reusable and practical.’ The latex onesie squeaked against Covett’s chair as he shifted forward in excitement ‘From the sheets to the streets, 100 percent protection anytime, anywhere.’

Nonetheless, I couldn’t help but have out reservations despite the all too eager Willie singing its praises. I decided to nab a Hazmat-Shag-Bag for myself and dive into the experience head first.

Here are my two cents:

This is not an item you can just slip into. This wetsuit of cling film is, (surprise surprise), anything but breathable- but  undoubtedly worth it. Though I’ve suffered four overheating induced faints in one day, I’ve never felt more protected. It does take some getting used to, largely on the part of the people who see you. My friends and family were mildly surprised when I sauntered in looking like a beekeeper-gimp but even they couldn’t deny the functionality.

Get yours today, and feel what its like to be fully protected- and suffer the hottest stroke of your life…

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Climate change cancelled! Scientists discover new sub-zero temperatures in the ASS

Scientists, environmental activists and the last 3 polar bears have flocked from around the world to Bristol as Climatology professor Dr. Anika Malik declares climate change cancelled.

By studying the temperature of the Bristol University’s Arts and Social Sciences library, she discovered that the library was so cold, it had offset global warming. Scientists in the North and South poles have confirmed that ice caps have been miraculously reforming all thanks to the ASS.

We spoke to Dr. Malik, “This library is so bloody cold that global temperatures have plateaued. Sea levels have been lowering! It’s a miracle! Thank god for poor temperature management in the ASS – it’s saved humanity as we know it!”

This has not stopped the hoards of shivering students that still file into the library today. Undeterred by the sub-zero temperatures, students have been innovative in combating the harsh climate. Through passive aggressive Depop messages using vernacular such as  “hun”, “angel” and “babe”, students have cultivated a powerful, internal fire, that has kept them nice and toasty in this trying time, all the while getting good deals on the hottest new trends!

We asked Greta Thunburg what she thought of climate change being cancelled because of a cold library in Bristol but she refused to comment.

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Bristol UK

Timpson’s to be recognised as key workers

Following much heated debate, this morning it was finally announced by the local MP that Timpson’s and other locksmiths would be recognised as key workers.

There is much speculation as to what caused the bill to be put into place with commentators suggesting the motion came after Boris lost his keys after a night out in Wandsworth and was locked out of Number 10, having to speed dial one of his mistresses for a place to stay.

Others suggest the change came after a senior cabinet member lost his spare set of keys to his pair of fluffy handcuffs, resulting in him spending two days gagged and cuffed to the bed whilst his husband frantically searched Youtube for a tutorial on how to pick a lock using a hairclip.

Although appreciative of the support, employees of Timpsons have declared that they are actually quite annoyed now that they have to go back to work and don’t get to stay furloughed at home.

After this change in policy there is much speculation as to which industry will be the next to be recognised as essential. Discussions are currently in place as to whether pianists should also be recognised as key workers too. More information to follow.

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Bristol UK Uncategorised

Three GBBO showstoppers to make you forget Matt Lucas’ blackface

From Little Britain to The Great British Bake Off, Matt Lucas has quite a professional record of defining national sentiment, ranging from ill-advised sketch bigotry to cake bunting bullshit. 

Having at last escaped the magnetising clutch of David Walliams, leaving the latter to his three major passions of children’s book writing, transphobia and swimming the Thames, Lucas has emerged in a tent on Channel 4 to impose himself yet again on humanity. It’s almost as though the three tier icing and Paul Hollywood’s masochistic charm will distract us from Lucas’ noughties injustices. 

If you haven’t seen Come Fly With Me we envy you; never has a show competed with itself to see which racial minority it can insult the most. The ten years which have passed since have not remotely left enough time to scour the brain. 

Now as Hollywood knows, forgiveness is tricky, and usually takes a good 10-15 ‘shame’ years before a full acquittal. Reportedly the major film studios have drawn up a Naughty Step Guide for the new era allotting ‘forgive n forget’ deadlines based on the level of abhorrence; mercifully A24 refused to sign. 

However media overlords in the UK seem far more appeasing, with a memory loss that rivals only the British History curriculum. Dedicated, as both BBC and Channel 4 appear, to recycling the same caucasians throughout their shows, with only occasional gravitas given to new writers, it looks as though Matt Lucas and his friends will be around for some time.

Oh, and if you’re still reading this and looking for three showstoppers, then you’ve missed the point pal.

 

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Bristol UK Uncategorised

Handshakes, shared cigarettes and 4 other forms of bioweaponry

The Whip has decided to delve into the everyday germ-spreading that have recently spawned into new of biological warfare, bringing to attention previously mediocre interactions that are now close to homicidal.

  1. Handshakes

Uh oh! The big dick energy from your deliberately crushing handshake has now expired. If you listen closely you can hear the quiet sobbing of keen networking event attendees. Sorry guys, you’ll have to suffice with a Herculean Zoom call introduction, or maybe experiment with an intellectual bookcase background if you’re super keen – make sure that your collection of Ben Shapiro’s greatest works are in full show, oh and Tomi Lahren’s autobiography to show that you respect women. Hope you get that online internship!

  1. Sharing cigarettes

Social smokers have been rising each morning dismayed anew to be spending another day not freeloading off a dedicated smoker’s ciggy. Tantrums from this breed of smoker have been erupting every so often around Bristol, particularly outside of clubs but it’s awkward because no one even goes there anymore. Hang in there.

  1. The Questionable Kitchen Tea Towel 

The questionable tea towel is every flat kitchen’s staple feature. In these times, the communal use of a tea towel can be likened to a cold-war era missile in its impact. Probably time to give it a wash.

  1. The Questionable Bathroom Hand Towel

The QTT’s slightly damper cousin.

  1. The cereal box game at your illegal gathering

Ah, the cereal box game; what once was an innocent post-dinner party favourite has now been recruited into 2020’s intricate ballet of biological warfare. The game, which involves the taking-in-turns to pick up an empty cereal box from the ground using only your mouth, ought to be avoided. Same goes for suck and blow – the irritatingly American version.

  1. Getting with people

The path from doing this to passing on germs is, honestly, not an arduous one to forge. But if you’re worried about a risky recession in your sexual stock market, not to fret! Make sure you produce a backlog of Hinge dates over the lockdown period so that you’re ready to rumble as soon as Boris says so!

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Bristol UK Uncategorised

“What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?” boy asks Will’s fresher who didn’t go to private school

The game’s afoot: cuffing season is upon us. As the days grow shorter than our patience, many take to Tinder, swiping till their fingers become hardened, bloodied and calloused. Others opt for Hinge with its cringe inducing prompts and Wizkid algorithms. But here at The Whip we favour the good old-fashioned method of just going over and asking them out.

So, in a Whip exclusive we spoke to first year student Mungo Radley-Periguino who propositioned a somewhat out of place Wills fresher. We asked him to share some of his wisdom with our readers.

“Not going to lie when you look like I do how can you expect not to pull? You have to look good, otherwise the birds you shift will be totally butters. Have a filthy mullet, it’s a well-known fact that yatties go crazy for them. A cartilage piercing is another must: the more infected the better.”

He proceeded to explain how he asked out this particular girl. “I saw her from a distance and could tell she wanted it but I had a look to see if she was wearing a ring. Not a wedding ring of course but a signet ring. To my absolute bafflement she wasn’t but she was alright so I approached anyway and said my famous line.”

Unfortunately, in this case the girl wasn’t interested; however we’re sure Mungo’s bravery can inspire all of us to follow in his footsteps in the future. Join us next week to find out how it goes when using his infamous “Do you come here often?” line at his next trip to the sexual health clinic.

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Bristol UK Uncategorised

“I’m just so cultured” brags art historian with yeast infection

After decades of scouring the country, from the rolling hills of Exeter to the blistering coasts of St Andrews, The Whip has finally located Britain’s most cultured student: none other than UoB’s own Art Historian Hattie Crabbes, and all thanks to her recurring yeast infection.

When asked about winning the coveted, albeit highly unhygienic accolade of Britain’s most cultured student, the undergraduate responded…

“Yah well what can I say man, my strategy finally paid off! All these fakers on the course keep spouting bullshit about dadaism and Donatello, but I knew that if I was going to be the biggest culture vulture in town, I needed a bolder approach…”

She continued, “It suddenly hit me after a night of well, whatever the opposite of passion is, with this Redland bloke; woke up feeling rough as sandpaper, and when doc gave me the diagnosis the next morning, I exclaimed “YES! This is EXACTLY what I need to show Jonty and those other wankers that you don’t need to know your Michelangelo from your, shit who’s that other guy-Monet, yea that’s the one, to be the most cultured art hissy around!”

However, the fungus in question had a very different opinion regarding Hattie’s newfound credentials in the academic world…

“You’re joking, most cultured? I’ve helped brew Fosters with more taste than that arrogant gasbag! Knew I preferred that Redland guy, at least he had some original opinions on Bauhaus, even if he hasn’t washed in three weeks…”