Categories
Bristol UK

PM accused of passing political football to Rashford, and back to Johnson, who dinks it through to Rashford… AND IT’S A SCREAMER IN THE TOP RIGHT CORNER!

Many a football fan may be familiar with 22-year-old Marcus Rashford as a household name in the Manchester United line-up. However, many more were delighted to see him spearhead a dominant attack of a very different nature: saving free school meal funding for the upcoming summer.

The following excerpt is taken from The Whip Sport’s post-match commentary with our correspondents, Les Leslie and Clive Morley…

“So, Clive, your thoughts on that performance?”

“Well, I’ve got to say Les, that was certainly one of the most exciting passages of play I’ve seen during my career. Shall discuss the background a bit for our viewers?”

“Yea absolutely Clive; well the rivalry of ‘Conservative Government vs Child Poverty’ has tended to be a pretty one-sided affair. I’m sure our viewers remember the 1979 encounter when captain Margaret Thatcher lost free school milk during the clash. So, you can imagine how refreshing it was to see this unexpected late scorcher of a decision, not least scored by a completely unexpected player…”

“Usually this team are pretty comfortable passing the ball but have had much difficulty in putting points on the board. Captain Boris Johnson’s typical strategy when playing this formidable adversary is just to bumble through some press briefing using some irrelevant references to Pericles and wishing all the nastiness will go away just like David Cameron.”

“It’s interesting you mention that Les, because in that first half we were all a bit worried when Johnson looked like he was about to stop free school meal funding and kick the ball straight to the opposition.”

“But then suddenly, phwoar! You’ve got this bright young talent who gets subbed on, injects a bit of forward momentum into the game, and you got that lovely little petition exchange which ends with Rashford slotting it neatly in the corner, and free school meals being secured for the summer!”

“Clearly this is a man with a future ahead of him, but will we be seeing more of him in these encounters? This correspondent certainly hopes so.”

Categories
Bristol UK

Bristol City Council renames Harbourside ‘Colston Falls’

Yesterday, following an anti-racism protest a group of protesters pulled down a statue in Bristol’s city centre. What was the crime of this unarmed statue? Only the enslavement and sale of 85,000 men, women and children. That statue of Colston was promptly tossed into the harbour and with a delightful plop and sent to its watery grave where it is expected that it will spend some time doing a bit of soul searching while exploring Davy Jones’ Locker. Colston was not available for comment, being both inanimate and submerged.

This morning, however, an old problem the protesters did not anticipate has reared its head. Bristol Council is reportedly “finding it jolly tough” to resist renaming Harbourside after Colston himself.

When shouted at for comment, Councillor Tom Magna explained that whenever historians find out that a place has had anything to do with a professional racist “who – at the very least – petted a dog once or something,” it has been Bristol’s policy to dedicate almost everything in the surrounding area to them.

“Obviously, with Colston being chucked into the Harbour, he’s now a big part of the area’s history. Tourists will certainly want to dive down to see him. It makes sense that we ought to rename it after him. It’s crucial not to erase this part of our history.”

“Look, I understand this all apparently bit touchy, but meet us in the middle? Are there any other slavers you wouldn’t mind us naming it after? Ok, would Powell Pier work? Oh, come on, really? Rivers of Blood has its aquatic themes!”

“What about Hitler Harbour?”

Categories
Bristol UK

Homeless man pleased to hear government is willing to put roof over his head as long as he becomes racist statue

After more than a decade of austerity measures that have put many Britons into poverty, it appears the Conservative party are turning a corner. In a radical new housing initiative, Boris Johnson has promised four walls and a roof for any man/woman/child who also happens to be a twelve-foot bronze-cast statue of Winston Churchill.

Many have labelled this policy as ‘deeply insulting’ and ‘uncouth to say the least,’ but reports have emerged that one homeless man in Lambeth is thrilled by this promise. Michael Heinz has taken to ingesting copper and zinc at a ratio of 88:12 while shouting colonial bigotry at a lit cigar.

Mr Heinz spoke to The Whip about his endeavour,

“Well I’ve been on the streets for quite a while now, and the government has so far offered me more hostility than they have support, so I thought I’d try a different approach. Admittedly, I have some reservations about Churchill’s politics, he was a xenophobe, a colonialist, and while Indian volunteers fought for Britain during WWII, he ring-fenced their grain reserves and let millions die during the Bengali famine.”

“But an opportunity like this is one in a million, I’m already on a strict bronze diet, I’ve fashioned one of the two stilts, and I’ve swallowed my morality in the hopes it’ll make the government respect me.”

Categories
Bristol UK

‘We’re in a global pandemic, now is not the time for large gatherings’ declares gammon to multiple strangers in home

Demonstrations have been taking place across the UK in solidarity with the Black Lives Matters movement and to protest police brutality and racism. However, this has not stopped gammons everywhere suddenly becoming bothered about social distancing.

The Whip spoke to one such man, 46-year-old Dean Cattermole, who insisted on giving his thoughts on the protests.

“I was always naturally a bit wary of the protests, you know, systemic racism and that. My rule is: never bother with anything you can’t spell. That’s why I don’t have any GCSEs.”

“But it was only on Thursday night, when I was pulling my trousers back up over my arse crack after bending over to grab another can of Stella out the back of the fridge that I thought to myself: ‘Hang on Dean. These protestors ain’t two metres apart and are therefore in direct contravention of Her Majesty’s Government’s social distancing protocol, which exists to alleviate the spread of COVID-19.’ I hit the fucking roof.”

“I spent a bit more time mulling it over, but it was only the next day, while I was trying to remove the lit fag that had fallen out of my mouth and into the gaps in my patio paving in such a way that my fat gout-ridden fingers couldn’t pick it up that I thought to myself: ‘Hang on Dean. People should know about this.’

So yesterday I brought up the fact that these people were organising gatherings of more than five people when I was at my neighbour’s BBQ, which was a pretty genius time to bring it up cause there was about twenty-odd people there. They all knew I was a well-spoken intellectual because some of them nodded occasionally and Pete from number 42 blurted out, ‘You been reading the Daily Mail again, Dean?’ Clearly someone else recognised a quality news outlet when they saw it.”

It has been claimed that widespread use of face masks would allow protests to continue in a safer way, but Mr Cattermole was keen to give his take on face coverings.

“People say to me all the time, ‘but Dean, what if they all wear face masks?’ Nope, sorry. The only time you should be covering your face is A) when you don’t wanna get caught on CCTV causing a bit of trouble at Millwall away, and B) when you go down to Screwfix and get a dust mask cause you’re getting rid of the asbestos out the loft. Apart from that, don’t bother.”

“I was thinking how angry I’d be if I found out any of my kids had been at these protests, and that I should probably tell ‘em to steer clear, but it was only when I was staring at where the sunburn had blistered the skin around my new Three Lions tattoo that I thought: ‘Hang on Dean. I need to remember to check the winning lottery numbers.’ And then I lost my train of thought and that was it really.”

Categories
Bristol Featured

‘White people, please educate yourselves’: UoB reveals plans for new academic year

With demonstrations being held across the globe in solidarity with the #BlackLivesMatter movement, there is no more important time for white people to educate themselves about systemic racism in the UK and around the world.

But as it prepares to welcome a new cohort of students in September, the University of Bristol wants you to know that there is no better place for middle-class white students to educate themselves than somewhere which is already full of them.

A spokesperson for UoB told The Whip, ‘Well we’re really proud of the university’s diversity, after all, white students from all over the UK flock here in their thousands each year. Clifton and Redland are real melting pots for the white home counties diaspora.’

As an institution that derived 85% of its original money from the slave trade, the university fully acknowledges that it benefited from slavery and empire. And nothing says acknowledgement quite like keeping the names of buildings dedicated to the Wills family, Edward Colston, and Winston Churchill.

 

Below you’ll find links to places where you actually CAN educate yourself and do your bit for the BLM movement and BME issues.

Donate what you can to one of the organisations and non-profits that perform vital work for black communities in the USA – https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1ZIvDZpHqvNZkf8dGFXVjfk-Wq0Y9FTG410NJbH_8K8M/htmlview

Write to your MP demanding justice for Belly Mujinga, the key worker killed after being spat at by a man who claimed he had COVID-19; demanding the UK suspends sales of tear gas, riot shields and rubber bullets to the United States; demanding more is done for BME people more widely – https://www.writetothem.com/

Read this helpful advice when going on a protest or demonstration – https://greenandblackcross.org/guides/key-advice/

 

Books

“How to Be an Antiracist” – Ibram X Kendi

“Me and White Supremacy: How to Recognise Your Privilege, Combat Racism and Change” – Layla F Saad

“Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race” – Reni Eddo-Lodge

“The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colourblindness” – Michelle Alexander

The New York Times – An Antiracist Reading List

 

Huge assorted list of places to donate, petitions to sign, protests to attend, people to contact, and ways to educate yourself

#blacklivesmatter – Google Doc

Categories
Bristol UK

Trump relieved after being told that if your hand is bigger than you face you have coronavirus

It is a well-known fact than testing undoubtedly separates the sheep from the lions when it comes to how a country deals with coronavirus. Until now, the USA has comfortably lied within the former, bleating “fake news” and reassuring us Brits that “at least there’s one country doing worse than us.”

However, President Trump has recently asserted himself as a bold and ferocious lion: his woolly fleece has been sheared, leaving behind striking orange fur and an iconic mane in the form of a fitted yellow wig. He has recently confirmed he now knows the true formula for efficient, widespread antibody testing: if your hand is bigger than your face then you are a confirmed case of coronavirus.

This ground-breaking new discovery came when Trump encountered 4th grader Ryder Junior who, through a sea of sniggers, informed him of the diagnostic criteria. Trump was initially deeply relieved to find out that he himself did not have COVID-19, stating, “Well thank the lord for that, my grabbers are so tiny they can barely cover a watch face, let alone my actual face.” He then set about actioning this new form of revolutionary, guerrilla testing.

Trump immediately slashed funding for antibody testing, causing quite a stir amongst the experts. However, we mustn’t lose hope that Trump and his pocket-sized pincers will lead America out of this godforsaken crisis and restore the country to its full glory.

Categories
Bristol UK

Final year pleased to have excuse for imminent unemployment

This week, 2% seems to be the UK’s key figure to watch out for. It is the percentage by which the British economy shrunk over the first quarter of 2020, the result of the ‘Cuddliness of Dominic Raab’ YouGov poll, as voted for by the British public, and the proportion of University of Bristol graduates likely to find employment in the next 6 to 12 months. Lucky old them!

However, during the past week, The Whip has received an increasing number of reports detailing jubilant cries heard ringing across the home countries. Following further investigation, it became clear that with COVID-19 rendering the economy null, final year Bristol students no longer had to scramble for excuses as to why they failed to secure a job after graduation.

Our graduate correspondent interviewed Berkshire resident Magnus Hunter, to find out how exactly the pandemic has saved him from some tough conversations…

“To be honest, this pandemic couldn’t have come at a better time,” chirped Hunter, “I just couldn’t face telling my parents that even TeachFirst rejected me before the interview stage. I had this 4-part speech drafted, detailing how my across-the-board rejections had nothing to do with my numerous personality defects or 2:2 in Geography, and everything to do with unregulated capitalism, Brexit, and diversity quotas.”

“But now, this shutdown of the global economy has gotten me well and truly off the hook! In fact, I’d say it calls for a celebratory banana bread…”

However, Magnus’s father Reginald appears to have seen right through his son’s blame game.

“Oh, it’s COVID-19’s fault he’s unemployed is it? Pah!” he scoffed, “Little twerp couldn’t get a job rock-picking in a prison camp! He’s got the employment prospects of an expired turnip, with the personality to match. It’s all Bristol’s fault, 9 grand a year and that’s the sort of illiterate goombah they churn out? I’ll be demanding refunds from them AND from Radley College!” spluttered Reginald.

If a silver lining is to be found in these troubling times, it is perhaps that the eminent prospect of unemployment for the humble Bristol graduate need no longer be the brutal call for self-reflection it was in times gone by.

Categories
Bristol UK

“Keep your distance, young man!”, screams dot on horizon

With the unprecedented impact of coronavirus on our daily lives, it is little surprise that tensions are running high. As patience grows increasingly strained, and tempers flare, civil society balances ever more precariously on the knife edge.

However, some are implacable in their struggle to stick to the rules and do the right thing. 

One minuscule dot took matters into his own hands today. Spotting a wily scamp in the far distance, he launched into a stream of invective – warning the space invader to keep their distance… or else.

“He’s coming in hot, 11 o clock,” the barely discernible speck told reporters, proceeding to pull out a .50 calibre piece to deal with the would-be lawbreaker.

“That miscreant could flout the government’s carefully outlined rules regarding social distancing, spreading disease and putting pressure on our beloved National Health Service.”

By the time this story went to print, the dot had successfully eliminated the threat with a well placed bullet to the head.

“While my methods may seem unorthodox, god damn they get results.”

In these times of uncertainty, it’s good to see that many continue to take their civil obligations seriously. Truly an example to us all.

Categories
Bristol

Property developers vow to ‘keep spirit of Lakota alive’ by overselling apartments and having nothing to do with Native American culture

Popular Bristol nightclub and humid micro-climate, Lakota, is set to close to be turned into apartments, offices, and the cutest little ramen joint, it was confirmed today.

Following the decision, made via Zoom call between all the bigwigs on Bristol City Council’s Development Control Committee, property developers Wright-Downer & Co. have issued a statement promising to ‘keep the spirit of Lakota alive’ in their development plans.

A spokesperson for the firm told The Whip, “Well we think it’s important to ensure the project is in keeping with the overall vibe of the Stokes Croft area. You might come home one day to find a man standing in your living room asking if you want to buy a nos balloon, and I think that’s part of what makes this project so unique.”

The architecture of the site itself, which includes a Grade II listed building, is to be maintained in any future development.

“As you can see from these blueprints, we intend to preserve the cross-gabled roofs and limestone window surrounds which are integral to the character of the building, and by that I mean they have absolutely nothing in common with how Native Americans have traditionally lived.”

When asked whether the developers have any regret over the closure of a club at the heart of Bristol’s nightlife, they responded, “Do we care about what..? The underground music scene? Do we fuck lol.”

Categories
Bristol Featured UK

Regrettable PPE surplus in cabinet

Today, Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced that the nation is in its ‘moment of maximum risk.’ As The Whip did not attend this press conference, we can only infer that this ‘risk’ is posed by the government’s cabinet, which is at its ‘maximum’ by having more PPE graduates in one Zoom call than could ever be wanted or needed.

Politics, Philosophy, and Economics, or PPE to friends, has for several years been a one-way ticket from Oxford to Her Majesty the Queen’s Government, calling at amorality, entitlement, and Slough. Matt Hancock and Rishi Sunak are a few of many graduates in the cabinet who probably read To Kill a Mockingbird and thought the ideas of ‘empathy’ presented were ‘interesting ones, for sure.’

The Whip spoke to Mr. Gynist, a professor of PPE at Hancock’s college in Oxford. While most of his speech was gargling, profanity, and golf jokes, he showed us a page of revision notes the health secretary to-be had drawn up for his finals. His professor had had them framed since.

The page was divided into three columns, Politics, Philosophy, and Economics. Under ‘Politics’ was scrawled ‘Whatever it takes.’ in a curious dried red ink with what looked like a pentagram next to it.

In the ‘Philosophy’ column were two quotes, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few – Spock,” and then one which we couldn’t understand because it was in German. Meanwhile, in the ‘Economics’ column, Hancock had simply written out the entire lyrics of ‘Baby You’re a Rich Man’ by The Beatles.

Categories
Bristol

Taboo bouncer last man in Europe to hear about COVID-19

Whilst many people in these dreary times find themselves submerged in a deep melancholy, reminiscing about the clubbing times of old: the huge warehouse raves at motion, the intimate duttiness of Black Swan, the Fetlock-esque orgy at Gravity. However, it is easy to overlook how one club in particular remains completely unaffected by the lockdown: Taboo.

In an exclusive conversation with The Whip, Taboo bouncer Roy Nuckle told us how he found himself completely oblivious to the lockdown, making him the last man in Europe to hear about COVID-19. He tells our reporter: “I thought it was just a regular Friday night. In fact, we were actually quite busy: we had two people who called themselves ‘urban explorers’ venture inside wielding flashlights and DSLRs.” As a matter of fact, Taboo had two whole people venture inside, making Friday night the biggest since Halloween 2016. This was when a group of children went inside and played with a Ouija board for a dare. The fact that footfall that night was four children and a demented spirit, made it Taboo’s most successful night ever.

It may be easy to criticise this club for both its ignorance of the lockdown and incredibly low footfall, but when our reporter voiced this to the bouncer in question a touching response was birthed: “Taboo has never been about drawing in crowds nor even throwing a fun night, that just isn’t what we’re about. We’re more about shit music, incompetent staff and of course, acting as a front for money laundering.”

Categories
Bristol UK

Pubsick zoomer constructs papier mâché pint, dartboard, old man singing ‘Roxanne’

There’s a new infectious disease in town and its name isn’t coronavirus. It’s called ‘trying to have fun indoors with your family’.

The most common symptom of this dastardly disorder is a medical phenomenon known as a ‘hobby’. Having a hobby is sort of like having a job, but it costs money and you’re shit at it. Despite it’s economic toll on the household, the spike in crafty commotion has been brilliant for the useless-tat industry. DIY mouse taxidermy lessons have been streamed in abundance; ornamental glassblowers have been forced to limit bellows to one per household; grow-your-own-cress kits are now considered an essential item, reserved for our keyworkers. Across the board, hippy dippy pursuits are on the up. The same, unfortunately cannot be said for the institution of the brewery, an amenity left ravaged by old covid.

We spoke to one champion who is utilising his newfound arty abilities to single-handedly revive the experience of the public house.

“Well yeh basos I was getting quite fed up with all these virtual pub experiences. I’m gonna be honest with you, it’s just not cutting it. Where’s the sweet, sweet smell of urinal cake in the stagnant breeze? The symphony of chanting: ‘down it fresher!’… ‘get your tits out for the lads’ … ‘sometimes I wonder if I’m capable of love’. Where is the squelchy floor, the warm pint, the little bit of sick in the smoking area? It’s just not the same. God knows we’ve tried to recreate it. I’ve done twelve Zoom pub quizzes this morning alone (so if you ever want to know the cast of Dad’s Army in order of height, I’m your man) and I’ve had enough! I’ve had to make my own local from scratch.”

“I considered making a to-scale diorama of my local microbrewery, but I didn’t have enough paper to sculpt that much dickhead, so I settled for the pub down the road. I crocheted the floor to simulate the coarseness of the carpet, and I used hama beads for all the rowdy gammons, because they too turn into amorphous blobs when heat is applied. The biggest architectural feat was the racist who stands by the jukebox – he’s constructed out of 74 kilos of macraméd wool. I spent a lot of time on that geezer; I’ve even learnt ventriloquism so I can make him shout racial slurs without having to open my own mouth!”

What a scene. Take inspiration my friends, and, in these trying times, use your random detritus to fashion a boomer today.