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Leeds

‘You can’t erase our culture!’ Police set up protection around campus bacon statue

As Great Britain, a nation built on aversion to the truth masquerading as politeness and civility, wakes up to the chronic injustices faced by people the world over (many products of our colonial past) questions about our relationship with our history are rightly being asked. The most important question of course being ‘Why won’t anyone think of the statues in all this?!’

The conveniently distracting debate about whether big metal blokes are the best medium by which to express any country’s chequered history has finally turned its unfocused gaze towards the abstract. In an entirely unsurprising turn of events, our boys in blue (not to be confused with the cast of Avatar), have rallied round a cornerstone of their culture, the salty monument to the constabulary that is bacon.

We spoke with West Yorkshire Police Spokesfed Sergeant Hans Cuffs to ask about the motivation behind this protective police protest.

“As police we’re just scared you know. We feel like everyone is after us, and for what? All we’re doing each day is trying to protect people – by arresting them, infringing on their rights, and entrenching systemic inequality whilst demanding more intrusive powers. Why don’t people see that we have their best interests at heart?

“We finally decided to stand up for our heritage and form a protective barrier around the bacon statue on campus, taking ownership of a verbal stick that has too often been used to beat us, in much the same way we beat actual people with actual sticks. Despite no material threat to the statue and a grisly murder happening about 35 metres away, we decided that our vacuous gesture was important and necessary.”

The Whip HQ was broken into by a rival satirical news outlet over the weekend and despite catching the perpetrators on CCTV the West Yorkshire Constabulary have informed us that they must focus their efforts on more ‘Empty diversionary tactics.’

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Leeds

Inconspicuous! Dealer buys fleet of stretch limos to ensure social distancing

With the UK knee-deep in the third installment of the lockdown trilogy no one wanted, the Many Dealers of Leeds (no relation to the Merry Wives of Windsor) have had to hunt for ever more creative ways to keep the bags flowing and the Covid spread slowing. One dealer, who goes by the street-name ‘Medium Ken’ has taken that responsibility particularly seriously and recently purchased 10 stretch limos for each of his runners, whom he lovingly calls ‘Ken’s little boffins’. We caught up with Ken to hear more about this innovative development in narcotic delivery.

“I mean let’s start off by saying that there wouldn’t even be a pandemic if we didn’t have any 5G masts, let’s say that right away at the start ok.

“But while most people are yet to wake up and unplug from the twat-matrix as I call it, I have noticed a lot of my customers getting more and more paranoid as this hoaxdemic has re-spread like microwaved butter.

“At the end of the day dealing is a customer service game, if my customers aren’t happy, I’m not happy. To that end, I picked up these 10 stretch limos on a bulk deal from a guy who ran a bachelorette party business until a rogue bridesmaid seized control of one of the limos and blocked the EuroTunnel for 48 hours – the business never recovered.

“Now my customers can pick up illicit substances in the midst of a pandemic with confidence! We have a pulley system along the ceiling of the limo to keep the 2 metres distance and after each sale we let a pigeon covered in hand sanitizer fly around to sanitize the limo’s cabin.”

Whilst we cannot condone such a flagrant violation of Covid laws and indeed standard laws, we here at The Whip have been impressed with the ingenuity of the man known as ‘Medium Ken’.

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Leeds

Third year student sneaks into school geography lesson for face to face teaching

England reached its first major milestone in the gradual return to pre-pandemic normality today, as schools up and down the country opened their doors to the relief of parents of thick kids.

A notable absence from the government’s ‘roadmap for recovery’ has been any concrete guarantees for that most overlooked educational subculture; the University student. With little information available as to when and in what capacity students might one day be able to avoid answering seminar questions in glorious 3D, final year Geography student Anthony Arctica simply cannot avoid the allure of in person teaching and hatched a cunning plan. We caught up with them to find out more.

“I haven’t had in-person teaching in almost an entire year now. I’m not annoyed! Don’t make me come across as annoyed in your article – not that anyone reads them anyway, people only care about the headline. I understand the sacrifices everyone has had to make. My Uncle Terry sacrifices a pig to the Apollo, the Greek God of Plagues, every Thursday after The Chase, but he hasn’t had any luck yet.”

I heard that schools were coming back, and our student house is opposite a school, so I thought – Why the hell not! I traded clothes with a 16-year-old – nothing weird, I paid him £20 and bought him some ciggies too – and I spent the day living out my dreams of in-person education. I’ll be honest, they did cover quite a lot of stuff that I already knew, and a kid in year 7 called me an ‘Atlas Nonce’ when I was having a flick through one in the library, but to be honest it just took me back to my school days.’

The Whip have contacted West Yorkshire Constabulary and reported Mr Arctica to them.

Categories
Leeds

Leeds alumni failing to make impact on placement

Making your mark in the workplace is a well-known challenge for new employees. How do you ensure people know who you are? Call you the right name? Don’t mistake you for a well-dressed lamppost?

A plethora of literature exists on this very subject. Books with titles such as ‘How to climb your way to the top and make people hate you on the way’ and ’10 secrets of success: the main secret is to have a lot of money’. Books dictated by people with names like Brunk Dunkley and Flip McGivern who have carved lucrative careers in the vacuous business literature business.

But one new starter, or, in this case, new Starmer, has clearly not sought out any advice from such self-help gurus and is floundering like a tiny dog in a massive pond. Ex-Leeds student Sir Keir Starmer has suffered the same fate as many a recent graduate and accepted the first job offer that came his way, as Leader of the Opposition, despite clearly having no real interest or aptitude for the role. The Whip caught up with one of Sir Keir’s new colleagues, the MP for Polzance West and Shadow Minister for Shawarma and Other Rotating Meats, Yvonne Salad, to hear more about Sir Keir’s first few weeks.

“Well when he first arrived at the office, we all thought that someone’s Uncle was here to take them to a Coldplay gig, but it turns out he’s the new Leader of the Labour Party – so that certainly came as a shock.”

“He has been very visible, and keeps throwing press conferences and saying lots of very important sounding things, but as soon as he’s done saying them, I immediately forget who he is and where I am. He’s like that light-flash machine from Men in Black that makes you forget everything but in human form.”

We here at The Whip of course wish Leeds alumni the greatest of success, but next time we’ll see if Chris Pine is making another Wonder Woman, he was here for a semester abroad wasn’t he?

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Leeds

Responsible student establishes one-way system at illegal rave orgy

With a recent wave of law-breaking clandestine club nights coming to the attention of the rozzers, those wishing to throw a Covid friendly party (i.e. a party at which everyone will become intimately friendly with Covid by catching it) are on the lookout for ways to avoid scrutiny and potentially lessen punitive financial action.

One such method, already adopted by many in the retail industry, and briefly seen in pubs during the Great Pub Revival of June 2020 to November 2020, is the one-way system. A fool proof system that can in no way be circumvented and is completely and unequivocally effective, the one-way system was invented by Jules One-Way in 1884 after he walked directly into an oncoming shire horse. The system has seen a recent return to prominence thanks to the invention of the water slide and the popularity of Swedish tat emporium Ikea, both of which owe their continued relevance to the ingenuity of Jules One-Way.

Organiser of Illegal rave orgy night ‘DJs n BJs’, Olivia One-Way (no relation), was desperate to avoid a similar fate to ‘The Covid Arms’ in Birmingham and ‘The Abandoned Factory full of Stinky Crusties’ in Bristol, that saw organisers slapped and tickled with a £10,000 fine. The Whip caught up with Olivia to hear about her thoughtful cautionary plans.

“So basically right, I want to rave, I want to rave hard, I want to rave now, but most importantly, I want to rave safely. With all this Covid knocking about, I want to be able to have sex with strangers and gobble pellets like a horny tortoise, all with an air of consideration and care. So starting from our next illegal rave – inside the freezer of an abandoned vegan butchers in Chegton-On-The-Wold – we’ll have a strict one way system in the makeshift club that will criss-cross back and forth across the room. Also everyone will have to wear facemasks while they put their genitals through holes in the wall. Oh, and you have to sanitise your hands when you come in but not when you leave.”                 

The Whip reached out to Scotland Yard for comment but forgot to put a stamp on our letter so we don’t think they got it.

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Featured Leeds

Bender deprived student reluctantly aces degree

During these times without precedent, unprecedented times if you will, people the world over are having to find new ways to entertain themselves as so many passions, hobbies and side-hustles are lost to the lockdown void.

Some have thrown themselves into new Covid friendly hobbies like baking, knitting or staring forlornly into the middle distance for 6-8 hours a day. Others have adapted their hobbies; The Whip has received reports of a group of Chess fanatics who’ve been playing outdoor Chess using stray cats they spray paint and dress like Chess pieces (Horsey, little one that there’s loads of, Queen Elizabeth II etc). Some, however, have had to seek enjoyment elsewhere, and find new ways to stave off boredom. One such person is first year Tim O’Greedy who, with clubs closed for the foreseeable, has had to resort to consistently getting 80+ in all his marked work so far this year. The Whip caught up with him to find out more.

“I came to Uni expecting to barely scrape into second year, that was always my aim. First year was going to be dedicated to weeklong benders without surrender, putting my mind, body and spirit through the gauntlet of debauchery and hedonism. In second year, I’d knuckle down, buy a diffuser, start freezing my meals and become a functioning member of society, but I’ve had to abandon my plans like David Cameron abandoned his daughter at the pub that one time. With no recourse to public partying I’ve been left with no option but to absolutely smash my degree, which is the last thing I wanted to do.”

Boogying till sunrise has become book-reading till about 8pm, the spot on the wall where high rise tickets would be pinned now has a reminder to ‘clean under fridge’, where empty bottles once proudly lined the windowsill, a well-tended bonsai tree and a mug full of paperclips now sit. Tim however, remains optimistic.

“This is temporary, at the end of the day, I didn’t come to Uni to get a degree, and no pandemic is going to change that. As soon as I can, I’ll be back out there ignoring deadlines and being generally useless.”

And we here at The Whip say, that is a terrible idea Tim but you do you. 

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Featured Leeds UK

London based turkeys gobble sigh of relief

On Saturday afternoon the Government announced that London and much of the South East were being placed in the newest member of the ‘Botched Pandemic Response Cinematic Universe’, Coronavirus Tier 4.

While to the uneducated observer Tier 4 might look like another Lockdown, it isn’t because the Government said so… alright?

With the very spirit of Christmas now hanging in the balance, the people of Britain have been searching for a glimmer of hope, a fragment of festive joy and after much research we at The Whip couldn’t find any.

However, amongst the burgeoning turkey population in the South of England, there is cause for celebration. With Christmases across the region cancelled, millions of turkeys have been freed from their traditional roles, and the future for turkeys has never looked brighter.

The Whip caught up with human-turkey spokesperson Russel Sprouts, to hear how the news has positively impacted the turkey community.

“Turkeys have never been under any illusions that Christmas is when they’re at their most popular, they’re like Michael Bublé in that respect. But much like Michael Bublé, they exist throughout the rest of the year, and have ambitions beyond just the festive period.

“The relief is palpable – absolutely! They’ll be gobbling on the streets of Turkey Town tonight, of that I’m sure. We just hope that turkeys can seize this opportunity and try and reframe themselves as pets, pack animals or therapy animals – although our last therapy turkey went rogue at an orphanage and had to be incinerated…with a balsamic reduction.”

A blue Christmas for many this year, but think of the turkeys and those lumpy fleshy sack things they have on their necks and you can’t help but retch a bit.

Categories
Leeds

Leeds University to become first ‘Air Free’ campus in attempt to curb Coronavirus spread

After nailing its 2020/21 goal of getting every student to question paying £9000 a year to talk to a grainy apparition of a balding academic on a Lenovo laptop, Leeds University has an exciting new initiative on the horizon. 

From the brains behind the successful, effective and hugely popular ‘Smoke Free’ campus we all know and love, comes an ‘Air Free’, and Covid safe, campus. 

Ever catch yourself feeling the need to breathe? Not with that pesky virus about! They’ll be no sneaking outside Eddy B for a cheeky puff of oxygen or trekking to the edge of campus for a drag of fresh gust. Using the same technology created to render the moon uninhabitable for humans, the air free campus will add Coronavirus to the long list of things not in university this term. 

The Whip received this statement from Leeds University, to announce their new initiative.

“At The University of Leeds, our student’s safety is our number five priority, after money, big cylinders of nonsense, cool new buildings and money. An air free campus is the exact sort of ingenuity we want to foster here at Shell Corp University of Leeds. We don’t know how the government hasn’t thought of it yet, it’s just so obvious!”

Free from in-person lectures, free from social events, free from joy, and now free from air, Leeds University boasts to be the first academic institution to transform entirely into a vacuum of misery. But at least you got a free plant and a chat about your mental health in time!

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Featured Leeds

Hyde Park house celebrate end of lockdown by throwing house party last week

With Leeds officially today hurtling full speed out of Lockdown into the brick wall that is Tier 3, many residents are looking forward to their newfound freedoms.

Some residents in fact, were so excited at the prospect of an end to Lockdown 2: Re-locked that they decided to pre-emptively throw a lavish house party, Rita Ora style, whilst the country was still in the midst of Lockdown II: Down and Out in Lockdown City.

The Whip caught up with irresponsible reveller Justin Kace to find out more.

“Firstly, I’d like to say, no comment. But secondly, I’d like to say, it was only about 30 people AND we operated a strict one in one out policy when we danced the Hokey Cokey at 5:30am. Is it bad to throw a house party while we’re still in Lockdown? Undoubtedly yes. But we just got so over excited at the thought of being allowed back into gyms that we exercised our right to a pre gym opening boogie.”

Whilst The Whip strongly condemn such brazen acts of medical defiance, and question the validity of pre-emptive celebration, we have uncovered similar such events from the annals of history.

In the 1954 FA Cup final for instance, Preston North End pre-emptively celebrated defeating West Bromwich Albion 3-0 a week before the final took place, only to lose the final 3-2. Whilst at the 2008 Oscars, a confident Graham Norton threw himself a ‘Best Director Winner’ party two weeks earlier than the ceremony, before being deemed ineligible for the award as he had never directed a film in his life.

What can we learn from these events? You work it out I’m not here to spoon feed you like some massive idiot baby.

Categories
Leeds

Hyde Park burglars’ ‘Bring your child to work’ day gets out of hand

The most significant existential threat to peace in Leeds since those kids with fireworks last week.