A lazy prick hit back this week at so-called ‘scandalous’ accusations of hoarding his housemates’ dishes, insisting that it was ‘a well-earned break’ for the overworked crockery.
“I could do the washing up if I wanted t – I mean if it that’s what the plates wanted, but how would you like it if someone ate re-heated pasta off your back every day? Everyone, and indeed everything, deserves a break sometimes,” fumed Alex Eldridge.
Alex’s housemates have insisted that his apparent empathy for inanimate objects is less a philosophical outlook so much as an inability to leave his room for anything other than cooking dinner and going to TP.
“He never leaves! He started pissing in his sink and claimed it was to be ‘environmentally friendly’,” admitted housemate Callum Eaves, “but I was in there the other day and saw a bizarre brown stain in the basin too, and that was just too much.”
In a bizarre twist of events, the stack of plates and bowls – mutated after the blending of mould from many months of meals – was able to offer its own unique insight into the debacle.
“I’ll be honest, it’s a breath of fresh air. Well, not fresh air so much as sweat, unchanged sheets and the occasional spray of Lynx Africa, but at least it’s different to pesto pasta day after day after day.” declared the mutated mass.
“I have a lovely view of the tapestry on the wall, and sometimes get a bit of second-hand smoke from a zoot to chill me out a bit. Here, finally, I have freedom to be whatever I want. I do wish he’d stop shitting in the sink though.”