Sign of the times!
Isolation has got people lusting for the things that were once an integral part of their routine. Bookworms miss going to the book shop, wormworms miss going to the worm shop, but no person is more at sea than Leeds University Rugby 3rd XV substitute tee-placer, Zachary Trunt-Clumpley, who has now endured seven (seven!) Wednesdays without stepping inside the hallowed Warehouse.
The Whip spoke to Zachary to see how he is trying to maintain some semblance of normality.
“Yah so one of the highlights of my week at Uni is getting absolutely rat-arsed at Mischief and sharking some freshers, but I’m not sure if you guys have read in the Telegraph, but Mischief and freshers are both like illegal now or something because of coronas or something?
“So, anyway, a few weeks into this lockdown thing I thought to myself – I wonder if I would walk differently if I cut off all my toes? And then I thought what if I recreate Mischief here in Surrey!? So, I just tried to do what I normally do but with some alterations given the circumstances”
In an eventful evening described by Zachary’s Mother as ‘deeply traumatic’, amongst the stripping and misogyny, Zachary downed 14 pints and a birdbath before stumbling back to his room with beloved Cocker-Spaniel Rufus for a night of what Zachary called ‘X-Rated pre-marital taboo jungle action’ and what Rufus described as ‘Woof’.
“It’s just nice to remind myself of the things that made me happy before all this,” Zachary told The Whip. “Egregious nudity, obnoxious sexism and bestiality. What a night!”
Why drag your parents all the way up to Leeds to disappoint them, when you can disappoint them without actually having to leave the house?
The Whip approached the man in question, Stan Pickler, for comment. He declined, citing the need to rest his tongue for the trials ahead.
Today, Leeds students received a long message from Deputy Vice-Chancellor Tom Ward concerning the long awaited news of whether the university would be implementing a ‘safety net policy’. As vast swathes of eager and semi-delirious students frantically logged into Minerva, they were met only with a screen scattered primitive syntax and undecipherable lexis.
The Whip contacted the Vice-chancellor for a comment.
“We first considered sending the email using plain English,” he chuckled, “but then we decided it would be far more appropriate to encode the truth of our students’ academic fate into Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics. We did initially try to convey the message via the medium of smoke signals, but an inconvenient combination of national lockdown and wind rendered that particular method unusable.”
Understandably frustrated, the student body of Leeds reached out for online assistance in decoding the email in the hope that, somewhere amongst the mystifying disarray of idiographic carvings, lay a sentence along the lines of ‘yes, there is a safety net policy’.
After sympathising with the academics of tomorrow, The British Museum responded, and curated a team of linguistics and historians over a Skype call, where they consulted the Rosetta Stone – a 2000-year old granodiorite stele responsible decoding the linguistic history of ancient civilisations. After an intense hour of discussion, the Museum offered the following statement.
“These runes are of a level of vagueness so impressive, that the Rosetta Stone has now split in two, causing tremors along the earth’s Ley Lines. After over a century of deciphering ancient languages, we have never come across anything as uncertain, unclear and untranslatable as this. It’s unprecedented.”
In a concerning, worrying report that could have global implications, The Whip has understood that students across the country are now incapable of doing anything online without then tagging three mates and getting them to do the same thing.
Initially starting as a simple trend – a throwaway means of staving off the boredom and existential dread by students otherwise bereft of the educational resources they so desire – reports have emerged of students now unable to do any virtual activity without physically documenting it, and actively encouraging friends to partake.
In shocking and distressing footage that emerged last night, one girl (unnamed) was seen posting on her Instagram story through floods of tears and gritted teeth, “Thanks @Danni_22 for the nomination !! Just had a wank 😂 Your turn @topcat123 @Maxxx and @420FRANK.”
The Whip’s reporters can reveal that this is a major concern for government, which has increased the scale of its response to the online crisis. Having initially moved to try and contain the trend, word from Number 10 is that we are now very much in the delay phase.
Whilst it must be assumed that we will all develop at least slight symptoms; new studies have confirmed that some amongst us are highly susceptible and may even be super spreaders.
This group includes but is not exclusive to: people that have just broken up with their boyfriend/girlfriend, boys that think they’re good at football and doing a round-the-world with some toilet roll will make someone want to fuck them after lockdown, and girls whose Facebook cover photo is them stood in front of the neon lights on the rooftop at Headrow House.
Yesterday the University of Leeds uncovered its genius plan to tackle the outbreak of Covid-19, in a characteristically wordy and hard to decipher email.
In this update, the university announced that, in order to encourage social distancing – and thereby reduce the rate of infections across campus – it was going to take measures to ensure that students could only study if crammed into one tiny library, rather than spread out across four that campus has to offer.
Yesterday morning’s message set shockwaves across campus: all lectures to be moved online, contingency plans for summer with the potential of take-home exams, all libraries apart from one to be closed so that rather than studying spaced apart everyone would be crammed in to one building with limited seating and not enough hand washing stations.
These bold moves really showed that the university had put its best minds together to tackle this unprecedented pandemic.
Speaking to a university spokesperson, The Whip was able to ask why they didn’t just open all four libraries but at a reduced capacity whilst banning students sitting less than a metre apart from each other, so as to cause the least disruption whilst still ensuring social distancing; rather than forcing everyone who wants to work to study in the same building. She refused to comment.
As the rest of the nation battles disgracefully for the bog roll, students across Leeds have prioritised other goods as the apocalypse looms. The Whip caught up with several students who had travelled far and wide to their most convenient and overpriced supermarket, Sainsbury’s Local.
Second year student, Amber Leith, emerged from the supermarket, her backpack stuffed to the rafters with essential cigarette ingredients, imperative to student survival.
“Literally gassed, mate! We’re having a huge quarantine shubz in our mouldy basement this evening,” hitting a trifecta of selective comprehension of the respiratory-affecting virus itself, quarantine and stockpiling.
When asked, why she was stocking up on smoking paraphernalia and not something vital to life, like say, food, Leith explained: “I’m never outside Eddy B desperate for a can of baked beans, but I am always asking a stranger for rizla and filters.”
Poor Nick O’Teen arrived moments after Leith’s sweepstake – looking defeated exiting the shop with only two packs of slim filters and 30g of Drum.
“I seriously can’t be fucked to walk all the way to Big Sainsbury’s”, but there was still hope for O’Teen, telling The Whip, “I’ve actually got a number for some really dank super cheap baccy that my mate’s mate brought back from Lisbon, tastes much better anyway”, sauntering off to locate his alleged black-market goods.
Third-year English student Libby Nees, was picking up a different student commodity. Explaining to the Whip that she “literally needs hummus to survive,” clutching her 40 tubs, adding “and Doggo memes, obvs!”.
Swanning off, purple gradient hareem trousers adorned with elephants blowing in the wind.
Just when you thought nothing could get any worse, a glimmer of hope in these troubling times.
For the majority of the student population around Hyde Park this afternoon, the COVID-19 related anxiety has been somewhat alleviated upon learning that at least the now global and very worrying pandemic has resulted in the cancellation of the Leeds University ski trip to Val Thorens.
The concerns amongst the non-alpine accustomed student body that they would have to spend their entire Easter break being both force fed Instagram stories of ‘Après’ and inundated with post-ski trip ‘throwbacks’ have now been relieved as it turns out that, whether you like it or not, COVID-19 is not aware of the concept of privilege.
Speaking to one student outside of Hyde Park Sainsbury’s this morning, our reporter able to gauge their response.
“What? It’s been cancelled?! Oh, thank fuck for that,” said the bleary-eyed student. “It’s nice to know, that whenever things look really bad there’s always something to make you smile.
“I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about the ski-trip that I instinctively dislike… Actually, I do know what it is, it’s my rejection of the egomaniacal narcissism of those twats that walk into Terrace on a Thursday evening carrying Skis and wearing one of those stupid VT long sleeves.”
In a move of remarkable group altruism, it has been revealed that the entire student population of Oxley Halls have been planning to stem the spread of COVID-19 (formerly known as Coronavirus) since the start of this academic year.
In a noble bid to #flattenthecurve these students have not been in contact with anyone outside of their halls since enrolling in the university in September. Alone, and totally isolated, they have ensured that they will not be responsible for an outbreak amongst the Leeds student population.
The Whip was able to speak to Oxley resident Colin Ottoman over FaceTime to ask him the motivation behind this inspiring move.
What follows are the thoughts of COLIN – 18 – on how to prevent COVID-19.
“When I got here in Fresher’s week, I had a feeling it was going to be a lonely year. The long drive up the Otley Road – away from university, away from civilisation, away from modern medicine – I knew if I got ill, I’d have no means of communicating with the outside world.
“Over summer I’d read the collected works of sci-fi novelist Dean Koontz – and after his predictions of Wuhan-400 I just thought better safe than sorry, so took the brave step to never see anyone again.
“Seeing the complete dearth of guests that my other halls-mates were welcoming to Oxley, I knew that they had taken the same precaution, too.
“There is no chance that Coronavirus is going to affect Oxley – we haven’t seen anyone since our parents dropped us off in September, we are totally isolated and alone and there is literally no danger of us coming into contact with the outside world.
“There are even rumours that even if someone did contaminate the area, Oxley Halls are so cold and bleak that the virus wouldn’t be able to survive it anyway.
“Here at Oxley we take public health very seriously, and if being left – stranded and alone – in a godforsaken halls in the arse end of nowhere, closer to the Yorkshire Moors than Leeds city centre, is our way to flattening the curve, then I’m glad I can way we’ve done our bit.”
As forty days of solemn religious observance begin in the Christian calendar, churchgoers around the world eschew favourite foods, items of luxury or things that provide comfort to pay respect to Jesus’ forty days and nights of fasting.
This year – in an act of faith rarely encountered in this Godless, hopeless folly we like to call ‘the present’– one particularly pious and also downright exhausted History student has decided that for Lent, she will simply give up.
Contacted by The Whip, the destitute student – Samantha Prude – was happy to divulge the reasoning behind the decision.
“Honestly, I just can’t be fucked,” replied Samantha to our initial question of why she’d chosen to give up for Lent.
“Last year I did chocolate, the year before that I did fizzy drinks but this year it just feels like the perfect thing to give up is my continued internal monologue telling me not to give up.
“I mean, look at me,” she continued, staring blankly in to the middle-distance, words aimed at no one in particular, eyes glazed but hands frantically tearing up a little piece of paper.
“I have no money; I am constantly exhausted; I’m behind on my diss; I still have fucking mid-term essays to do; I’m supposed to be going on the ski trip in Easter but I know I won’t be able to enjoy it because all I’ll be thinking about is my diss…
“…Jesus spent forty days and forty nights in some desert in Judea and had to survive a little bit of temptation from Satan, I’ve got to do all that shit whilst also supposedly maintaining a social life, washing myself, feeding myself three times a day. You tell me which one’s the real miracle.”
“It’s too much, I – to reiterate – can’t be fucked, so I’m giving up. Does that answer your question?”
Our reported decided that, yes, in fact, it did answer his question, and quietly snuck away; internally starting to question whether his call to give up lager beer from 3pm to 7pm on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays constituted a worthy sacrifice.
After just scraping a third on his ‘Introduction to English’, one fresher, Brett Tension, was seen desperately trying to establish his above-average intelligence elsewhere by educating his flat mates on why ‘Hyde Park’ was technically called Woodhouse Moor.
The lecture, which also covered the correct use of the word ‘whom’, was described as “the only thing worse than spending a night out at Popworld.” Another anonymous flat mate also stated, “I don’t care if it’s called Hyde Park or Woodhouse Moor. I just know that after hearing Brett’s lecture, I hope someone stabs me there, so I never have to hear his stupid Surrey accent again.”
Whilst the forty-five-minute lecture was ultimately received with negative reviews, Brett smugly stood by it as Whip reporters caught up with the twat himself for more.
“If I didn’t do it, they would have been told eventually, it’s a very serious topic. It’s 2020, people expect to be called by the right names so why shouldn’t we extend those rights to one of Leeds’ most iconic and beautiful landmarks too? Plus, they sounded completely ridiculous just like when they used effect instead of the correct affect. Honestly, it’s a wonder that anyone can actually understand a word that comes out of their mouths. It’s all for their own benefit really, they’ll thank me later.”
His flat mates’ thanks did eventually come; however, it came in the unconventional form of them signing a house without Brett several days later and only telling him with via a brutally worded message in the group chat. Despite the fact he might be homeless in the upcoming year, Brett reassured us he had the last laugh:
“They spelt ‘No-one actually fucking likes you’ with a hyphen when everybody knows it’s actually just two separate words. So yeah, I’d say I’m the real winner here.”