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Bristol

Struggling Clifton Stoke Bishop seller moves to dark web: sells foreign baccy, gram of ket, cursed 13th century amulet

Amongst many of lockdown’s negative externalities, of late we have begun to see our very own former Clifton & Stoke Bishop Ticket sellers taking the clandestine path to trading certain goods, and it ain’t so love-inn-ly!

One particular seller we spoke to, Mark Tor, has perpetuated victimhood from his lack of government furlough for what was virtually a full-time job, consisting of freelance club promoting, maintaining a thumping presence on the Facebook group and utilising rapid finger movements on ticket release countdowns. “Yeah, I was working my arse off.” he sighs.

As a result, Mark explains he was compelled to jump ship to the darkest depths of the delinquent, dark, well, web. “The endless vista that is the black market has admittedly forced me to put my business hat on. I’ve tried selling the standard bit of ketamine and foreign baccy, but, you won’t believe it, this place has got it all,” says Mark, shaking his head. 

“I need something they’ve never seen before, maybe get a bit of a Bristol USP brand image thang going – I’m thinking of carving out some Banksys from around Bristol and chucking them on there, some personalised skateboards, maybe even some hot air balloon memorabilia – see what will bite! It’s a thrilling place.”

However, the dark web’s regular merchants have reached out to The Whip to express their being mired in irritation at the gentrification occurring on their very own unindexed World Wide Web, at the hands of University of Bristol students. “There’s no room for that hippie crap here. We’ve got an image to uphold, and families to feed. We can’t risk being displaced by these bored “edgy” students looking to feed their individuality complexes. Get therapy.’ says one tenured dark web vendor.

Despite his embarking on an opportunity for potential economic prosperity, Mark reminisces on where he began. “The dark web’s not got everything. I’m nostalgic for that dose of wholesomeness that the CSBT provides through lost property posts, and the endless hilarious banter through “fake seller” comments.” he sniffles.

Categories
Bristol

Bristol summer festival renamed ‘Efficient Vaccine Rollout Saves The Day’

Here we are — the end of lockdown is in sight. Naturally, it’s all a little confusing that the same government that messed up so astronomically previously has managed to pump some life into the veins of the UK. The vaccines are being churned out at a rate of knots! With each new bruise on our elderly relatives’ wee wrinkly arms we come a little bit closer to finally venturing outside. 

However, for the ever-excitable student population of our fine city the real thrill comes with the possibility of a cheeky bit of raving and misbehaving this summer. In a real turnaround of events, one Bristol summer festival has announced it will be renamed ‘Efficient Vaccine Rollout Saves The Day’. 

As expected, tickets are expected to fly off the proverbial shelves within a matter of seconds. However, if you miss general release don’t you worry, you’ll be able to buy resale tickets on Clifton Stoke Bishop Tickets for five times what the bloodsucking, parasitic reseller paid for it!

Also, if anyone happens to mention that your tenancy will have run out by the time of the festival, don’t let it phase you: Bristol has a rich tapestry of bus shelters to choose from to find a place to rest your weary head. Happy raving!

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Bristol UK

“We don’t want our pure English genes tainted!” cry inbred unemployed German family

With shockwaves from Harry and Meghan’s explosive Oprah interview reverberating around the world, Buckingham Palace once again finds itself in hot water.

Serious accusations of racism and bullying were fired its way, and naturally the palace was simply not going to take this one sitting down (with the notable exception of the Prince of Wales, who reportedly has refused to uncross his legs since ‘seeing those two Mega Hotties on telly at the same time’).

Issuing a passionate plea to the public, the British royal family has insisted that its abhorrent comments regarding baby Archie’s skin tone were simply aiming to preserve its pure, authentically English bloodline. After the howls of laughter had quietened down, The Whip’s Royal Correspondent managed to gain an exclusive interview with the unnamed royal family member who questioned the potential skin colour of baby Archie… 

“Well of course it was me, who the fuck else would it be??” exclaimed prince Phillip. “You think Charles can produce a zinger like that? He’d probably break down in tears and apologise to them, the wetty! At 99, I’ve had plenty of time to fine tune my ‘craft’, believe me…”

The consort continued, “as a Greek man, happily married to his cousin and living off the British taxpayer, I know that our family has a duty to keep the bloodline as unmarred and as authentically English as possible. After all, it’s what the public want.”

It seems then that the irony has not landed for this sorry bunch. Perhaps the best course of action is to go the traditional Windsor route, and keep it in the family.

Categories
Bristol

Uber holds first office party

Armed with Prius’, righteousness and a herculean tolerance of drunk teenagers, Uber drivers have finally been deemed ’employees’ by the Supreme Court. In the face of adversity, these humble sentinels of safety have toppled their goliath, reaching the state of ‘Ubermensch’, as predicted by Nietzche in the not-so-popular sequel to his magnum opus: Thus Spoke Zarathustra 2: Uber Drivers Strike Back.

In celebration, Uber HQ decided to have a party to welcome their new employees to their London office.

The air was thick with car freshener, Capital FM blared from the speakers and ‘Petrol Colladas’ were flowing. Many Skodas, after a few too many drinks, confessed their love to the elegant C-Class’s curvaceous figure and bountiful horsepower. Obviously, most were rejected, the sparks between them nothing more than electrical malfunctions.

Initially, there was reported to be clear division with the ‘Uber X’ and ‘XL’ crew facing off with the Mercedes-Benz driving, free water giving superstars of the ‘Exec’ and ‘Lux’ elite. Luckily, curtailing a Bolshevik-esque revolution, all the Ubers came together in dismay when a cyclist accidentally entered the party, provoking group hatred.

The get-together was abruptly cut short, as workplace RuPaul-inspired drag races and drifting competitions got out of hand. A night of ups and downs and incredible efficiency from hybrid engine technology, a definite party to remember.

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Bristol UK

Prince Andrew Rejected from Teen First Dates

With Harry and Meghan’s fresh allegations of bullying from the palace, and Prince Phillip undergoing his 20715th stint in hospital, it’s safe to say that 2021 is no easy time to be a British royal. However, it seems that the tragedies continue for Buckingham palace this week, as reports have flooded in that former heir and current nonce-in-exile HRH Prince Andrew has experienced the cruel sting of rejection from none other than his favourite channel 4 programme, Teen First Dates.

“I’m absolutely devastated”, sobbed the comfortingly sweat-less prince, “I really thought this was my best shot at true love…well, err, I mean aside from Fergie and all the others of course, but they were just temporary flings, everybody knows where my true loyalties lie…”

“I’d even spent the past month brushing up on my youth speak, isn’t it brother?” he continued, “All that hard work for nothing, guess I’ll have to return that vintage north face puffer at some point”.

When approached for comment, Teen First Dates producer Chloe Huang responded, “While clearly, we knew something was off from the get-go, it just became rather sad after a while,” sighed the weary producer…

“The fact that his ideal date venue was the Woking pizza express was probably our first hint,” continued Huang, “but after repeatedly trying to fool us with false noses and different outfits, it just felt like he was taking the piss! I mean how desperate can one man be to get on this show?”

Bloodied but unbowed, the Duke of York informed our correspondent that he aims to give his application one final shot, before exploring the option of becoming a Netflix original star as a plan B, commenting that “if Harry and Meghan can do it, why the fuck can’t I?”.

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Bristol UK

Soft boy poet attempts to rhyme ‘orange’ with ‘Hinge minge’

Fuck boy’s deceptive brother, the ever-adored soft boy, makes his Hinge debut with fridge tally category “hinge minge”, suitably placed next to “whose cooking good looking” and “bin day sin day” rota. His progressive flatmate, Sam Woke, whistleblowed the matter. 

“It’s all a bit of fun really” blows Woke, “when he’s finished, or rather, arrived, he offers his date a cup of tea, hurries over to the fridge and ticks her off like you would on bin day!” he chuckles. “It’s not like he’s objectifying them, it’s just a bit of second tier irony! After all, all storms pass aha”.

Apparently, the trick is to seduce your date with some engaging and enriching Hinge coquetry, such as “I like that you’re depressed, that’s fun” and “you kind of look like my cousin”. The staunch feminist reaches his poetic climax when he tells his date “your breasts look like Finish All-In-One capsules, but like, in an attractive way”. The following anti-climax is made after rhyming the safe word “duckduckgoose” with “you’re so loose”, which surprisingly was not met with the same enthusiasm. 

You might be concerned about this Hinge Lothario, but rest assured, he is, according to Woke, “super feminist, he loves his mum and can recite Judith Butler’s Bodies That Matter. Oh, and he only watches ethical porn from a site called pOrNhÜb”. 

Since Woke spoke out about the chart, his flatmate has attempted to get in touch with Hinge’s PR team to put ‘Hinge minge’ as the sales pitch for the online dating site. He has since received a lifelong ban from the app, alongside a message: “remember, not all nice guys finish last”.

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Bristol UK

‘I’m saving myself for someone who will let me have sex with them’ declares particularly pious ChristianSoc member

Here we are: March. Lent is here, strangling us with the unrealistic expectations we’ve put on ourselves. Naturally, those who have quit smoking have long since decided that actually, it’s a more sensible idea to stop after graduating. Those who have redownloaded Strava are telling themselves they can easily run their lent 30k on the last day…

Some are, however, still going strong with their resolutions. The Whip speaks to one such fella, 3rd year ChristianSoc member Felix Morris, who recently declared he will be abstaining from the filthy act of lovemaking this lent or until he finds somebody who will let him have sex with them, whichever comes sooner.

“I’ve been doing it to become closer to Jesus” he tells our reporter “in fact I’m so close to him at the moment I can feel him deep inside me. It feels really good”

When asked whether he was struggling with his newfound ‘restrictions’, he revealed that it wasn’t actually as easy as one might presume: “Admittedly I am quite horny, but then again, the devil had horns and let’s be honest he was a bit of a tosser so I’m trying to change that. And to answer your question, no I haven’t had any interested parties to bat off yet but as soon as I go out with my cross earring in well… God help me”

Felix’s adios to intercourse is not his first foray into abstinence, attempting to quit blasphemous language last year. “Now that really was a rewarding experience, it really changed my life. But oh my God I’m desperate for a shag. Jesus Christ.”

Well, we at The Whip wish Felix the best of luck with his angelic endeavours.

Categories
Bristol

Russian vaccine actually just shot of Chekov

Russia’s Sputnik V vaccine has recently been found to be a mere shot of the student-favourite budget brand of vodka, Chekov.

This shocking discovery was made after Russia’s presidential medical team’s advice for the vaccine to be “put in the tricep” was misheard to be “Putin, try a sip”. The unsuspecting dictator ingested the entire syringe, squirting its contents into his mouth, a sight comparable to an absinthe shot being sinked in Magaluf. Within seconds he was reportedly dancing with no inhibitions and begging strangers for a ciggy before finally passing out in a pool of his own sick.

The verdict of those who witnessed the ordeal was unanimous by medical professionals and laypeople alike; it was the work of Chekov. No wonder the gulags, whose residents had been subject to the vaccine’s testing trials, had been rumoured to start resembling a Wednesday night at Lizard Lounge.

This news comes shortly after it emerged in Germany that the Pfizer vaccine is merely schnitzel in liquid form, and the Oxford AstraZeneca vaccine is just a shot of the Tawny Port your dad’s been aging in the cellar of your Surrey home since the nineties.

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Bristol UK

Duke of Sussex renamed ‘Duke of Sex’ after second child announcement

Not long after Meghan and Harry announced their second pregnancy, the disgusted Royal family have taken revenge on the pair and renamed the historical County of Sussex, ‘Sex’.

As the couple rejoiced in sunny California, the mood in Balmoral was somber. The Whip exclusively reports that senior Royals met at the castle to discuss their ‘next move’ on the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. Camilla had long played with the idea of renaming counties as a joke, yet when she suggested it this time, the Queen’s eyes lit up at the thought of utterly embarrassing the love-infected young couple.

The announcement of the new county of Sex has had a mixed response so far. The likes of the Conservative government blindly have praised the Royals, calling it ‘the sickest prank of all time’ with Keir Starmer ‘standing by the government, but thinks more should be done’.

Much of the public, however, was outraged. County residents have reported ‘intense embarrassment’ as many institutions have now had to change their names, such as the new: University of Sex and the Sex County Cricket Club, shortened to ‘Sex Club’, which has brought a new, largely unwanted yet strangely embraced, erotic element to the previously ‘unsexy’ sport.

We asked the Duke of York, Prince Andrew, to comment on calls for York to be renamed: ‘Big Fat Nonce’, ‘You’re a Fucking Nonce’ and ‘NonceTown’ but the nonce refused to comment.

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Bristol

5 of The Whip’s more questionable articles

We at The Whip recently received a scathing piece of criticism about the quality of our articles and, quite frankly, they’re absolutely right. Here are 5 of our more questionable ones:

1. ‘Big Pharma’ not in fact a massive agriculturalist
This one is just SILLY! Who would confuse pharmaceuticals with a farmer?

2. Durex releases hazmat suit with built-in condom
You should never joke about safe sex. We’re really sorry that happened.

3. We ranked the top 10 dogging spots on campus so Bristruths didn’t have to
Yet another sex joke…. fucking degenerates

4. Timpsons to be recognised as key workers
A pun? groundbreaking

5. BREAKING: Do not react; you are the saboteur
This show went downhill after the woman’s lipstick changed colour and we all know it. Should’ve boycotted.

Wonder which was the straw that broke the camel’s back?

Categories
Bristol UK

Pigeons Seize Myanmar in Military Coo

Given the extensive media coverage surrounding the military takeover of Myanmar, there has been surprisingly little attention paid to the masterminds behind the operation.

Very suspicious…”, thought The Whip’s undercover reporting unit.

After one thing led to another, and a socially distanced first-class flight was booked to Naypyidaw, we found ourselves in the land of the golden pagoda, as the western world’s first media outlet permitted to interview the new administration.

We were given strict instructions to follow our appointed guards into a darkened room, just behind the airport KFC. After the doors were shut, we heard a flurry of flapping, followed by the sound of a husky, grizzled voice…

“Please, take a seat…”

Shock filled the room when the glow of a cigar burst unexpectedly from foot level, and the avian commander-in-chief revealed himself to our reporters.

“There were always cries for revolution, and rightly so” snarled general Min

“From my earliest days in the air force, our kind have been belittled and mocked,” he continued, “bird-brained, headless chicken, the endless jokes made at the expense of me and my brethren drove us to take drastic action.”

“True to form, we’ve taken a liquid shit over democracy in Myanmar. They shall tremble in awe before a thousand years of feathery rule!”

Surprised by this unexpectedly cuddly junta, we consulted the recently imprisoned NLD leader Aung San Suu Kyi to hear her take on the new government…

“To be honest, I’m more scared of them than the last lot,” she confessed, “At least with General Than Shwe, I knew all he wanted was complete government control, but with these pigeons, their motives remain unknown…I just don’t know what to expect!”

Much uncertainty remains for the people of Myanmar, all we know is that NOBODY’S bread is safe for the foreseeable future. The Whip will continue to provide updates as the situation unfolds…

Categories
Bristol UK

Police use confiscated DJ gear to host “fat fuck off rave”

At 4 in the morning last Sunday, Tyndalls park resident revellers (and plague vectors) were greeted by the warm embrace of everyone’s favourite oppressive governmental force, the Avon county police force. The ravers were happy to bring the swine into their drove assuming that they were there for the shindig. Bodycam footage of the event lets us hear joyous screams of “POLICE, POLICE” as the party goers welcome them. However, it soon became obvious that they were not there for fun, as they herded the partygoers into one room, taking their IDs and promising hefty fines despite the fact that the groups combined income barely scraped minus £37. But the problems for the now impoverished students did not stop there, as the police proceeded to take thousands of pounds of events equipment and half of their fridge’s contents. 

While all assumed this would be the last time the decks would be spun, our team of highly trained reporters did some digging and found out the shocking truth. The recent crackdown was just a ploy to get better equipment for sergeant Bobby Varken’s leaving party. The party has been described by our sources as an “absolute madness” and “literally so mental”. While the former police sergeant denied the claim, stating it was nothing more than “a few drinks with the unit”, leaked drone footage of the event showed over 100 doughnut-munching bootlickers nodding their heads in unison to nu-metal.