Categories
Bristol

Eton issues leavers UoB starter pack: tracksuit, gold chain, DJ decks

Eton College has reportedly commenced the issuing of A-level students with a ‘starter pack’ for their arrival at the University of Bristol as part of a bid to prep pupils for the worrisome world beyond public school.

A spokesperson for the prestigious college revealed the programme as part of broader plans for a £2m ‘community integration project’, aimed to prevent school leavers from ‘sticking out like a backside in the shower-closet’.

‘It is not viable to send fifty-plus boys to one university without offering a helping hand with integration,’ he explained, ‘so we put together a package that will leave them equipped to make new friends.

‘There are items to help the boys blend into the crowd a bit more, like the Sergio Tacchini tracksuits, but also other items to encourage some exo-Eton cultural thinking. The decks, for example, should encourage them to experiment with new and fun varieties of music.’

Also included in the pack is a piercing gun, a map of Stokes Croft and a free ticket to an event of choice at Lakota.

Categories
Bristol

Students more likely to be struck by lightning en route to ASS Library than find desk once there

In a breaking report from the MET Office it has emerged that students at the University of Bristol have a greater chance of being thrashed by a 1 billion Joule dose of sky-terror on their way to the Arts and Social Sciences Library than finding an area to work at upon arrival.

The odds of being struck by lightning in Bristol being 1 in 2.4 million. Despite this, scientists have revealed that students are somehow still less likely to be able to find an empty seat in UoB’s most sought-after study space.

The Whip interviewed History student Phoebe at the building’s entrance, who suggested that it was probably more likely to “rain undiscovered Shakespeare manuscripts over the plains of outer-Mongolia,” than for an undergraduate to find an available desk.

“I’ve been to Manila and Manhattan and I swear to God this hellhole is literally the most densely populated portion of land this side of Saturn,” she added.

It is not clear what the University is doing to combat the problem of packed libraries during the exam period. It is rumoured, however, that the authorities will be issuing every student with a protective lightning-rod hat in order to beat the odds and avoid national scandal.

Categories
Bristol

Freshers blinded by floodlights at Gravity’s ‘Lit Monday’

Gravity, previously of ‘Bunker’ fame, suffered an unprecedented PR disaster at their inaugural student night on Monday as their literal interpretation of the term ‘Lit Mondays’ resulted in widespread loss of sight.

Having been assured that MCs Jamie Laing and Alex Mytton would be “breaking the tunes down all night”, freshers were appalled to discover that it was actually their retinas breaking down as they were met by four 800 GigaWatt floodlights in the basement.

One amaurotic reveller recalled his experience for The Whip.

“I turned the corner at the bottom of the stairs and was greeted by the light of a thousand suns. I heard my father whisper that he loved me, saw the faces of my family and friends, and then…nothing. I woke up in hospital surrounded by lawyers – at least I think they were lawyers, I couldn’t really see.”

Having been asked to comment, Gravity released the following statement:

“We deeply regret to hear that dozens of our customers were struck by partial or total blindness at our event last night.

However, we stand by our decision. We promised an exhilarating club experience and that is exactly what they got.”

 

Ed Strang

Categories
Bristol

Interview: UoB post-grad confirms FemSoc ‘absolutely crawling with gash’

A postgraduate student at the University of Bristol has revealed he joined the Feminist Society to ‘meet women’. Unaware of the organisation’s purpose, the second year went along to the first social of Easter term.

The Whip found out more.

Whip: What were your expectations before you went along to Feminist Society?

Student: To be honest I hadn’t given it a lot of thought. I just thought a society about women seemed like my kind of thing, which it was, really!

W: Were you aware of the term ‘feminist’?

S: I am aware of the term, yes. It’s just no-one had every explained to me that ‘Fem’ in ‘FemSoc’ means ‘Feminism’ rather than ‘feminine’. Do you understand my confusion? Of course I know all about feminism [emphasis his] – it’s just initially I thought it’d literally just be about women, rather than their rights.

W: How did you get on with the people there?

S: Pretty well, all in all. Some of them were a bit angry when I tried to take photos of them, though. I asked one or two for their phone numbers but they politely declined.

W: Do you think you’ll go again?

S: Probably – the place was crawling with gash. Also, it was pretty cool feeling like I was part of a big progressive movement. So yeah, a winning combo. I call it ‘tail and campaign trail’ – pretty clever right?

Categories
Bristol

Fresher devastated as Nigerian Prince fails to send LSTD ticket

A Bristol fresher has been left inconsolable after a Prince from Nigeria renegaded on his promise to send her a Love Saves the Day ticket.

Jenny Carter-Williamson paid £115 to access the entire weekend of the festival, but never received an email containing her two-day pass.

She has already begun messaging friends asking to re-use theirs, and has mocked up a few alternate entry plans, including climbing over the fence and ‘just literally walking in confidently, genuinely it actually works’.

She took to Facebook to criticise the Prince in question for his behaviour: ‘I am appalled by Prince Bakare’s betrayal of my trust, it is totally outrageous.’

Jenny, who survives on a paltry monthly allowance of £500, is now struggling to afford student essentials such as avocado and dizz.

‘He didn’t send me the ticket, but it could have been my fault. He said he needed my Barclays account number, sort code and security number first, which I sent just this morning.

‘Fingers crossed that’ll mean I can go and see all the acts at Love Saves this year – I love Kurupt FM!’

Categories
Bristol

Student, 19, drains entire Bristol glitter stock for LSTD

Breaking reports have emerged that an individual from the West Midlands has guzzled Bristol’s entire supply of glitter, face paint and sparkles, in preparation for the ‘Love Saves The Day’ weekend festival.

All seven of Bristol’s fancy dress shops were reportedly contacted by a young woman last week, she thereafter insisted on acquiring their entire stock ‘regardless of longterm demand, stock levels or pricing’.

Her actions have caused outrage amongst Bristol locals. Primary school teachers have been mobilising on social media in a bid to find the student and protest outside her house. A reporter spoke to one campaigner.

‘It was already a total disgrace 99% of the town’s glitter can be concentrated in the hands of less than 1% of people. It’s literally entirely monopolised by this one selfish bitch.

‘Granted, she looks really funky and will fit in beautifully at whichever techno stage is most popular. Also, I suppose the blinding sparkles totally distract from her piercing, MDMA-addled eyes. But really, this individual needs to start thinking of our children.

‘They are being left with nothing to do but read and write in class – when in reality, they ought to be glittering, macaroni-ing and PVA gluing their way to a more secure future.’

Categories
Bristol

Noise conscious student pre-moistens crisps before entering ASS Library

Reports are coming in this morning of a fresher vigorously licking his Walker’s Cheese and Onion crisps outside the Arts and Social Sciences Library in an bid to reduce noise upon consumption.

Computer Science undergrad Winston Von Neeklenberg explained that he was doing all he could to respect the working conditions inside the ASS and so moistened each individual crisp before returning them to the bag to consume later.

“I was considering asking the toothless librarian at the front desk if she could gum them for me, but thought that might be too time-consuming,” he explained, “so my only other option was to soften them myself, which involved a complex lick and suck system to achieve the desired results.”

“There is a fine line between soggy and moist,” continued the student, “you want the crisps to be damp to reduce noise but not completely flaccid. Ideally, you bite the crisp and it bites you back. Timing is everything.”

Speaking on the motive behind this saga, or ‘Moistgate’ as it has been termed, he replied “I’m doing all I can to be silent in the library. Crisps are an incredibly loud food in themselves, not to mention the rustling of the bag. Softening crips beforehand does make them more chewy, and vigorous mastication is also a well-known stress reliever”.

Observers of this event described it as ‘disturbing’, ‘very troubling’, and ‘fucking weird’. The Whip has reached out to the library asking if they condone his actions, but has yet to hear back.

Ed Strang

Categories
Bristol

Durdham chronic virginity epidemic continues

Reports from the University suggest that the outbreak of virginity in Durdham has reached epidemic levels, with almost all students in the Stoke Bishop hall infected as of Wednesday evening.

The illness emerged only shortly after the hall was founded in the early 90s, and despite hopes for the development of a vaccine, the number of recorded cases has steadily risen yearly.

Reports from the Warden’s Office identify only two remaining virginity-free residents out of 220.

It appears both students have since handed in requests to transfer to Hiatt Baker – one of the only halls which is willing to take Durdham escapees due to its maintenance of a secure unit to prevent the spread of virginity amongst its cohort.

The University of Bristol has come under significant criticism from human rights activists for its lack of care regarding the situation in Durdham. With getting down and dirty a crucial, immutable aspect of the university experience, something will have to give soon for the hall to remain open.

Categories
Bristol

Economics exam scheduled at Temple Meads, platform 6

Unsatisfied with only inconveniencing students with an exam at Temple Meads, the Economics faculty went one infuriating step further by relocating ‘Introduction to Quantitative Easing’ to the tracks of platform 6 yesterday morning.

Reports suggest that the timetabling team decided against the ‘much too easily accessed’ Passenger Shed, and instead settled on the live tracks by virtue of their being ‘a challenging but probably survivable’ obstacle for first years.

‘We toyed with the idea of putting the exam in the SU, but this seemed far too obvious a location for the test to take place,’ explained the course convener, ‘so the only other alternative was the live train tracks of Temple Meads.

‘Touching the tracks is of course not recommended. Even the slightest contact will cause 17,000 volts of electricity to course through their feeble bodies. Of course, that challenge provides some pizazz to an otherwise deathly boring three hours for the overseeing exam invigilators.

‘Looking forward, the first problem the students should expect to face when opening their papers is avoiding the 09:31 from Salisbury, a 12-carriage locomotive with an impact force of seventeen megatons. The remaining 2 hours should be spent in silent examination, avoiding swarms of defecating pigeons, pissing tramps and screaming toddlers who hurl themselves like lemmings from the platform edge.

‘We toyed with setting up shop on the inside lane of the M25, in a carriage of Thorpe Park’s Nemesis Inferno, or downtown Raqqa, but ultimately logistical issues necessitated the use of platform 6.’

Categories
Bristol

Psychologists baffled as LSTD attendee fails to upload Instagram photo

A team of clinical psychologists have been left ‘totally mystified’ by a Love Saves the Day reveller who, for some unknown reason, didn’t upload a fun, summery photo of event.

According to Bristol University Psychology Professor Aaron Chowdry, the student was literally the only attendee of the day festival who resisted flaunting their narcotic-fuelled day-out online.

The Whip spoke to him on Monday evening.

‘Whilst the identity of the 20-year-old affected by this extraordinary psychotic episode cannot be announced for legal reasons, we are certain that their failure to post anything on social media within 12 hours of this day festival means they are not in a sound state of mind.

‘One need only look at the actions of their peers, who universally popped a sunny, happy, glittery snapshot onto Instagram, to see the astounding nature of this particular mental breakdown. No one in our field saw it coming – it’s a truly seminal case for behavioural psychology.

‘Going forward, the student is to be interned at Broadmoor high-security hospital in Berkshire to restrain them from committing any similar unholy cultural malignancies. The staff there are concerned, but have suggested a long-term recovery may still be a possibility.

‘This individual’s deafening silence on the photo-sharing platform was a social blitzkrieg that will no doubt put them into the history books. We are all shocked, but to be completely honest, totally amazed.

‘It’s now about ensuring their welfare, and trying to prevent them from not constantly broadcasting their social life online just one day at a time.’

Categories
Bristol

Brexit cancelled after Redland student erects EU flag

In a shock change of national direction, Prime Minister Theresa May announced Wednesday morning that Brexit has been ‘totally, unilaterally scrapped’ after the hanging of an EU flag from a Bristol student house window.

The flag, erected Monday afternoon by Remainer Clemmie Winderlow, 21, was spotted by road workers on the adjacent Hampton Road in the early hours of Tuesday.

According to the Guardian, Downing Street was thereafter informed of the banner by Redland council authorities as a matter of ‘utmost urgency’.

The Whip spoke to Bristol Councillor Anthony Megus (Labour) at the scene.

‘Of course, the United Kingdom’s vote to leave the European Union last summer sent shockwaves through the international political landscape. It was an astonishing, unprecedented result that challenged the post-war consensus of liberal democracy and globalisation.

‘Indeed, as negotiations to leave the union got fully underway the issue came to dominate our national discourse. No-one really had any idea what kind of deal we would receive or which rights expatriates might be guaranteed. Of particular concern was the global economy as the markets have been extremely volatile recently – especially since the announcement of the General Election.

‘It was an extraordinary relief, therefore, when I was informed by pavement contractors in lower Redland that Ms Winderlow had decided to hang one of those EU flags from her bedroom window. A number of bookkeepers had suspended betting on her doing so, but it still took everyone in Whitehall and Brussels by surprise.

‘Negotiations have been cancelled upon the orders of a discreetly ecstatic prime minister, and we will Remain. But really, it’s all thanks to Clemmie. The international community is forever indebted to this young lady. She has an enormous future ahead of her. 

 

 

Categories
Bristol

Wills Memorial building to be rebranded Sports Direct Arena

Following mounting pressure to sever the University of Bristol’s ties with the slave trade, a petition was launched last week to rename the Wills Memorial Building.

Whilst those who initiated the petition may not have expected it to reach further than the West Country, billionaire retail entrepreneur Mike Ashley has seen this as an opportunity for promotion.

Since the tragic affair in Newcastle in 2011 – in which St James’ Park was briefly and unsuccessfully colonised as the Sports Direct Arena – Ashely has been hungry for a new site.

Yesterday, the University of Bristol received a ‘very serious, seven-figure offer’ to completely rebrand the iconic building, according to our sources.

‘SportsDirect.com, UK’s Number 1’ is reportedly to be engraved on the front of the building.

Negotiations are ongoing, but the presence of a ‘closing down’ sign is expected to be included in the deal, to remain ‘in keeping with the national brand’. SportsDirect.com has released this statement: ‘we are hugely excited to get involved in the community, and especially to become a part of the collective cover-up and denial of Bristol’s controversial past’.