Category: Exeter

Doe-eyed 18-year-olds settling into their borderline catatonic, comatose, culturally valid alcoholic lives for the next nine months have been shocked to discover that they should have started looking at housing before being expelled from their mother’s body.

The harsh reality of Exeter’s student housing situation is beginning to drown freshers in a veritable sea of hatred and loathing for estate agents, landlords and humanity in general.

We spoke to fresher Leora Paisley, who regrets not having started her search earlier. “Realistically, to ensure I don’t end up roaming the plains of Dartmoor with a bunch of mature students who look about as old as my grandad’s left bollock, I should’ve started looking for a house before I was conceived. It’s f***ing brilliant.”

Landlords and estate agents across Mount Pleasant, St David’s and St James Park have braced themselves for upcoming viewings from groups of people with about as much knowledge about each other as University Challenge viewers feel they have about the world by the end of a show.

We reached out to estate agent Barney Stamper, who admitted to us that watching freshers sort out housing acts as a kind of substitute torture porn for him. “They come in with their wildly different budgets, en-suite needs and walking distance restrictions, looking all serious and intelligent… then one of them lets off a cheeky fart.”

“A proper fruity guff. That’s when you see them all look at each other, thinking about the pungent contents of the perpetrator’s body after a curry night after night, and you just see the light die from their eyes. Something about that unexpected pain gives me immense sexual gratification.”

Who knows what they’ll end up with: necrophiliacs house-hunting based on proximity to the nearest graveyard, start-up serial killers looking for a garden big enough to bury their first kill, people who unironically enjoy the music of Robbie Williams, law students; the frightening possibilities are endless. We can only hope they don’t end up on Sidwell Street.

This week, Exeter University has pledged to combat the rising tide among the student body of “gilet-itus”, which covers sufferers in a cotton-polyester monstrosity that makes them look a bit of a tit.

The disease is endemic across the counties of Devon and Surrey, as well as London districts such as Chelsea, Highbury & Islington and Covent Garden.

Archie Watson is in remission following a deadly dose of gilet-itus and has agreed to share his experience with The Whip. “The first thing you notice are the other symptoms. Excessive trips to Pret-a-Manger, the inability to speak without sounding like a Downton Abbey character, hatred of the poor; that kind of thing.

“Sometimes gilet-itus can be mistaken for pufferjacket-itus, which has similar symptoms… though admittedly your arms are kept a bit warmer with that one.”

Health experts are warning against spending too much time in the worst affected areas, as the disease appears to be contagious. Dr. Mariah Schultz cautions that indulging even ironically in any of the worst symptoms will eventually result in the fashion equivalent of pissing in the wind:

“I’ve had patients come in claiming that at first, they were paying £55 for a sandwich for ‘the meme’. Within a week they’d started unironically enjoying polo shirts, spitting on the homeless and just generally being awful.”

In response to the frightening trend of this disease, the University of Exeter has pledged counselling sessions for those affected, on topics such as “How to Look Good for Under £3K, The Trick Daddy Never Taught You”; “What’s a T-Shirt? The Modern Fashion Trend That’ll Help You Look Like a Commoner” and “What Exactly Are Homeless People and Why Are They Everywhere?”

The Whip attempted to reach out to another sufferer on Exeter High Street, but our reporter to bugger off back to our council estate because some people have a Waitrose shop to do. We hope he recovers soon.

The Whip has been and always will be committed to ensuring that our content tells the whole story, and gives voice to those who may otherwise have no platform.

As such, we decided to interview a representative of the adversaries of student and staff alike; the winged menaces of Forum Hill: the seagulls.

With joie-de-vivre abound and a thirst for a good scoop, our reporter descended upon Forum Hill, believing himself about to show a new side of the story and gain sympathy for the, as one student affectionately called them, ‘feathered fucks.’

But he was very wrong.

“Do we need the food? Do we need it fuck, have you seen the size of me? No way I should be this large, I’m not an albatross mate. No, the only pleasure I get is seeing someone’s face sink as I soar off with their Chicken Caesar.”

Puffing away on a poorly constructed Amber Leaf rollie that he had purloined from an unsuspecting fresher, the seagull spilled all about their reign of terror:

“Maybe in years gone by, my ancestors were pillaging for sustenance, but for me and the boys, our diet is pure, unadulterated schadenfreude, and you know what? It tastes delicious.”

If these details were not enough to seal the position of these assailants, winged and loathed in equal measure, in the hated depths of our collective hearts, the seagull called in some pals to humiliate our reporter.

Not only did they steal his lunch after promising not to, they snapped his glasses, gave him a wedgie and made some very rude comments about his mother, which we have opted not to print due to their scandalous nature.

Heed our warning, don’t trust these gulls; they are very mean and they break promises. And if you’re in doubt, we would like to reassure you that you CAN wait till you get home to eat that wrap, else, you may never eat it at all.

Fever bosses officially announced plans to rebrand as ‘Fever Spa’ on Monday evening, in a bid to capitalise on what they believe to be the ‘natural benefits’ of the property, whilst also denying claims that the rebranding represents an attempt to bypass criticism of the club’s consistently high temperature.

Punters in recent years have pointing to high temperatures and humidity as central features of the venue, and a government inspection in January found temperatures in excess of British safety regulations, reaching 52˚C at one point in the night when ‘Mr. Brightside’ came on.

“Surely it makes more sense to just fix the air-con? I know it’s called Fever but I didn’t expect that meant any night out there would physically replicate the feelings of having one,” admitted Physics fresher Jacob Barnes.

The club was again in the local press in May, when twenty-seven women were sent to A&E after fainting in the queue for the toilets, with some having waited for over two hours. When approached for comment, Fever officials refused to comment beyond blaming ‘female queueing culture’ for being at fault for the mass-hospitalizations.

As part of the redevelopment, the Fever Spa boasts a sauna, steam rooms, swimming pool and various hot tubs, though sources indicate that there is no heating system in place and body heat alone will power it all.

The facility has been rated with five stars by official reviewers, with Fever officials stating that they were aiming to “capitalise on the growing luxury sector” within the city and that a complete rebrand just “felt more natural” than just installing some air-con.

Despite enduring controversies in recent months, recent sales figures indicate that the conversion to a Spa has paid wonders for Fever’s profits, and Holland Hall-ers and international students alike are praising the decision as “just what we needed” and “pleasantly aloof.”

As new students arrive and enjoy their first few weeks, many adapt to fit in at Exeter or develop new hobbies and habits often to the distaste of their old friends. Jonty Williams – a recent arrival at Exeter to study Business and Finance – is just one of these brave souls.

took to Facebook this week to proudly announce that, in keeping with his new “squalid” surroundings and state school housemates, he would be replacing his cocaine addiction with a ketamine addiction. “This wasn’t an easy decision,” wrote Jonty in an emotive post.

“I could feel my housemates all staring at me, judging me for having the money to afford coke. They see the Polo belt and Barbour jacket and think I’m some jumped up private-schooled cokehead. Which I am, but that isn’t the point.”

Jonty’s flatmates didn’t seem to care which drug he was taking, however, only taking offense with him “racking up lines for breakfast and then trying to fight everyone else in the flat to assert his dominance,” claims which Jonty shrugged off as “a bit of icebreaking banter.”

The Whip found some of Jonty’s friends from his time at Westminster School, and asked for their take, with some stating they “always thought he was a bit of a chav,” whilst others were proud of his brave decision to “slum it.”

Whatever the case, he now in his own words “feels much more at home in Exeter,” and “might even stop wearing his deck shoes with every outfit he owns.”

We at The Whip are just glad to see Freshers from all over the world settling in, dusting their nostrils with whatever they most feel comfortable with.

Multiple Discovery Channel camera crews will descend on Exeter this week following news that the university’s ‘Freshers Week’ is to be rebranded as ‘Shark Week.’

Producers are hoping to document the “terrifying” predatory routine ‘2nd and 3rd year’ type sharks enact on a standard night out, in efforts to raise awareness to the many young freshers at risk.

Amy Lansbury, an expert on shark behaviour, has attempted to investigate the phenomenon. When asked why so many appear at this time of year, she explained: “Sharks struggle to hunt ‘schools’ of fish, so they wait until they’ve just left.” She also noted that it’s not uncommon for much older sharks to migrate to Exeter at this time of year, in the hope of finding the ‘freshest’ food.

Early footage has already been captured. 3rd year Geography student George Benton was spotted hunting his first meal of the night at around 1AM, in Timepiece’s smoking area.

Emily Lloyd, an unsuspecting first year psychology student, was lured in by a series of classic, killer lines: “Oh you’ve just got back from Asia, I went there on my gap year too”; “Yeah it was three years ago”; and “No, I’m nineteen I swear.”

However, some students were skeptical as to whether ‘sharks’ were present in Exeter at all. When approached by our reporters, Victor Morris, a 4th-year-postgrad student on his second degree, insisted that the epidemic was nonsense and that TV studios would be “disappointed” with what they found. Victor declined to give his age, and we later spotted him hanging around the Lemmy at two in the morning.

This news has left some disappointed. Shark enthusiast Mary Plummer, from Bath, had travelled to Exeter expecting to actually see some of the world’s top marine predators. She’d hoped to see a hammerhead, but unfortunately had to settle for a hammered student.

The Whip urges you to share this message with any fresher whom may be targeted. Those responsible remain forever gill-ty.

England captain Harry Kane sent shockwaves through the footballing world today by confirming his intention to attend EGB rather than represent Tottenham against Liverpool in tonight’s Champions League final.

The striker, who had been nursing a foot injury, was widely expected to return to the Spurs team for the biggest game of the season, but he has now broken the hearts of many by travelling down to Exeter to attend the hottest event of the calendar year instead.

The Whip was lucky enough to catch Kane stocking up at Beer Box before the big event, and through the use of a translator we were able to conduct an interview with the main man:

“I really wish I could do both,” sighed Kane, drenching his tux with saliva: “don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be out there with all the lads, but I just had to let them down this time.”

Kane, who alongside his teammates is renowned for ‘bottling’ up his feelings, was perfectly candid with our reporter over his motivations for the choice.

“If we win, yeah sure, we’ll get some glory, and Madrid is a lovely place, but you can’t tell me that you’d pick that over expensive drinks and a teacup ride in a field in Crediton.”

Kane was reportedly almost swayed by the rival event ‘Impy Garden Ball’ and was relishing the prospect at getting mashed at the nicest Spoons garden in the country, but conceded that watching his team mates on the big screen at EGB for a mere £5 a pop was a bargain, despite it being shown for free on YouTube.