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Featured Leeds

Dissertation proving too stressful for Philip, 22

Final year Classics student Philip Mountbatten-Windsor has learnt the hard way that a 12,000 word essay should not be left until the week before it’s due. Surviving solely on modafinil, Amber Leaf roll ups, and the Union Co-Op’s £1 coffees, it’s been a week of little sleep for Philip.

Snapped leaving Edward Boyle ten minutes before his dissertation deadline after an all-night library session, Philip was seen heading back to his £135/w castle on Ash Grove for some much-needed rest. Looking and smelling a bit like a dead pigeon, Philip’s physical condition should serve as a warning to anyone in their final year that leaving it until the last minute will stress you out so much that you resemble a badly drawn zombie. 

The Whip caught up with Phillip, 22, following his submission, having freshly showered and slept. Sporting a Nike gilet and a mullet, he informed us that even if he failed his dissertation and degree, he has some connections in high places that will sort him out with work post-Uni. We asked him how he had managed to so drastically transform his sickly appearance, to which he responded ‘⌇⟟⌰⟒⋏☊⟒ ⌿⎍⋏⊬ ⟒⏃⍀⏁⊑⌰⟟⋏☌’ before bursting into a swarm of bees. The Whip wishes him all the best in his future studies.

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Featured Leeds

New colour-coded library booking system helps you visualise your lack of tickets

To great excitement and jubilation, new changes to the cursed library booking system have been introduced. Following scathing criticism from students and satirists alike, the University powers that be have looked down on the pitiful plight of the humble library goer and have smiled. Whereas previously one would have to scroll through various locations and dates on Eventbrite to discover if they had a seat on hallowed ground, users are now greeted by a sea of white with the occasional sad square of green adrift in this vast expanse.

Following this huge revelation in the day to day life of your common nerd, dweeb and geek, The Whip caught up with local bookworm, William Friendless, to hear his opinion on the new changes.

“I’m over the moon that the library booking system has finally changed. I must have submitted at least 50 LeedsFess posts on the subject so it’s great to know that direct democracy is still alive and well.

“I mean, yeah, I’m still not getting an actual seat in the library – unless you count when I sit on the bollards outside Laidlaw, which are actually quite comfy. But now I can see easily and clearly that I don’t have a seat and can start posting in Leeds Student Group, asking if anyone will trade two slots for a tenner.”

It seems that as the Library Saga rolls on from The Library: No Seat for Young Men to The Library Part 2: Seatless in Seattle, there isn’t an end in sight. Well apart from May when University finishes.

Nonetheless, we here at The Whip wish William the best of luck in finding the holy grail that is a floor 10 Eddie B seat near the water fountain but not near the loos.

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Featured Leeds

Bakery 164 announce ‘Piers Morgan’ special of white bread, gammon and salt

This week the pandemic and accompanying governmental incompetence has been overlooked by the British press, instead the news has been saturated by an Oprah (off of Oprah) interview with Ed Sheeran (off of boring songs) and Rachel (off of Suits). If one man has contributed most to this failure of journalism, then it’s Piers Morgan, as he unashamedly questioned Rachel’s mental health, and achieved facial shades of fuschia hitherto unseen. 

In light of his lack of journalistic integrity, OFCOM have reported over 10,000 complaints of graphic gammon imagery on Good Morning Britain, leading to Piers’ removal as co-presenter and almost certainly causing tears for Piers.

Popular queueing spot and part-time sandwich haunt Bakery 164, have decided to honour his demise with a new ‘special’ sandwich. The Whip got in touch with head baker, Mr. Pickard (yes, they’re run by the same people, WAKE UP!), to find out more.

“When I was watching Good Morning Britain, I was in Britain and it was before midday. As I sat there in my pants daydreaming about soft focaccia bread and Abergavenny goats’ cheese, I saw this tubby pink man ranting about something of very little consequence and immediately thought of my favourite type of Christmas meat – gammon. Then, like a bolt of lightning, I had an idea for a new sandwich, the ‘Piers Morgan’ special.

“As I ran to my sandwich lab, the idea began to grow in my head: mustard? No, too colourful. Cheese? No, too interesting. Salad? No, Piers wouldn’t eat that. Then, as I donned my lab coat and fastened my hair net to my scalp, the perfect recipe hit me.”

“White bread. Gammon. Salt. Bland, tasteless and not very good for you – like the man himself.”

Upon deciding on this recipe, Mr. Pickard began production of the ‘Piers Morgan’ special, adding extra salt for each time he walked off set or made inappropriate comments towards his female co-presenters.

The Whip can only speculate on the popularity as to the ‘Piers Morgan’ sandwich, but if the man’s popularity is anything to go by then perhaps Mr. Pickard has bitten off more than he can chew.

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Featured Leeds

Library tickets sell out faster than student offered grad scheme at BP

The path of the oil company exec is a well trodden one: private school education, fashionable university champagne socialism,  before justifying the purchase of their first Oxford Street suite as “a fiscally prudent investment in my future” at 27.

However, in a move that has sent shockwaves through the sell-out-sphere, tickets to Edward Boyle on Eventbrite are giving these champagne socialists a run for their money. The Whip caught up with grad scheme hopeful Orla Boutdabenjamins, to see how she felt about the new shill on the block.

“I was a bit disappointed when I first found out, I’d just sent off my application and was going to spend the day in the library finding out how bad oil spills really can be. I opened Eventbrite at 3:05 on the dot and they’d all gone, even bloody Laidlaw had sold out! Who’s that desperate to work on a backless chair with a desk that reaches your ankles?

In these uncertain times you can be certain that these tickets will sell out faster than I defend BritPet’s commitment to be carbon neutral by 2050. And I can do that really fast, do you want to hear?” 

Orla proceeded to explain the reason carbon neutrality is physically impossible and economically naive prior to 2050 despite our attempts to leave the interview. 

So are library tickets the future of selling out? Don’t even bother checking if they’re still there, some lucky sod who probably won’t even turn up probably has the whole day booked.

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Featured Leeds

Perseverance Rover told to self-isolate in Mars hotel for 14 days upon arrival

Sign of the times!

Categories
Featured UK

BREAKING: Johnson permits household mixing of eggs, milk and flour

The latest lockdown has seen a return to the strictest rules since the beginning of the pandemic with even trips to Barnard Castle banned for high ranking government advisors. However, under public pressure Boris Johnson has announced a reprieve on the mixing ban, although only with a manual whisk because the electric one’s a bit messy. 

The Whip caught up with one of the Prime Minister’s advisors, Finn Batter, to gain some insight on this policy flip. 

“So basically ‘Lockdown: Original Flavour’ didn’t really work out, but everyone knows the first one is a throw away, so we thought we’d change it up this time round. The Prime Minister believes it is integral to celebrate holidays of all nationalities and faiths during the lockdown, as long as those nationalities and faiths are British and Christian. 

“This policy will hopefully bring the nation together and create some unity – unless you’re some weirdo that eats savoury pancakes, in that case you can fuck off.”

The celebration of Shrove Tuesday is expected to be at an all time high with nothing to do apart from Shrive the day away. Instagram stories featuring boomerangs of pancake flip attempts are expected to be in abundance, but at least it beats those soppy Valentine’s posts from two days ago.

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Featured Leeds

Bender deprived student reluctantly aces degree

During these times without precedent, unprecedented times if you will, people the world over are having to find new ways to entertain themselves as so many passions, hobbies and side-hustles are lost to the lockdown void.

Some have thrown themselves into new Covid friendly hobbies like baking, knitting or staring forlornly into the middle distance for 6-8 hours a day. Others have adapted their hobbies; The Whip has received reports of a group of Chess fanatics who’ve been playing outdoor Chess using stray cats they spray paint and dress like Chess pieces (Horsey, little one that there’s loads of, Queen Elizabeth II etc). Some, however, have had to seek enjoyment elsewhere, and find new ways to stave off boredom. One such person is first year Tim O’Greedy who, with clubs closed for the foreseeable, has had to resort to consistently getting 80+ in all his marked work so far this year. The Whip caught up with him to find out more.

“I came to Uni expecting to barely scrape into second year, that was always my aim. First year was going to be dedicated to weeklong benders without surrender, putting my mind, body and spirit through the gauntlet of debauchery and hedonism. In second year, I’d knuckle down, buy a diffuser, start freezing my meals and become a functioning member of society, but I’ve had to abandon my plans like David Cameron abandoned his daughter at the pub that one time. With no recourse to public partying I’ve been left with no option but to absolutely smash my degree, which is the last thing I wanted to do.”

Boogying till sunrise has become book-reading till about 8pm, the spot on the wall where high rise tickets would be pinned now has a reminder to ‘clean under fridge’, where empty bottles once proudly lined the windowsill, a well-tended bonsai tree and a mug full of paperclips now sit. Tim however, remains optimistic.

“This is temporary, at the end of the day, I didn’t come to Uni to get a degree, and no pandemic is going to change that. As soon as I can, I’ll be back out there ignoring deadlines and being generally useless.”

And we here at The Whip say, that is a terrible idea Tim but you do you. 

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Featured Leeds UK

Opinion: Sneezing in your mask is like shitting yourself

It’s a cold, crisp morning as I make my way to Aldi to buy some more yellow food and a pack of bananas. The pavements aren’t busy, so I’m able to enjoy the oral freedom of a no-masking fresh air bonanza, sneezing at will and spitting on the floor like there’s no tomorrow.

I cross the car park and reach into my pocket for my brightly coloured facemask. I enter the store and fail to acquire a wheelie basket, but I don’t mind. It’s been a relaxing walk down, a nice morning to set me up for the rest of the week, and I’ve meticulously constructed an aisle-by-aisle shopping list that maximises efficiency and minimises social encounters.

As I peruse the bread section, I feel the faint tingling of a sneeze in my nose. I chuckle beneath my mask, “you’re going to have to do more than that to make this guy sneeze”.

I venture forth unto the vegetable aisle and ask a member of staff if they have any fennel, “we don’t” comes the response. “It’s a bulbous root vegetable” I retort. “Ok, we don’t have it” comes the curt reply. No matter, I plough on.

I find myself by the cheese section, debating whether to break protocol and add an alien block of Red Leicester to my basket. Alas, I’m not brave enough to question the list and my sense of duty urges me to move on.

But then, it happens, opposite the stock cubes…the tingly sneeze returns. Before I have time to pull my mask down and form a protective dab over my mouth, I released a globule of snot into my ethically sourced hand knitted facemask that would make the troll from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets weep salty salty troll tears. 

What is this feeling? Why do I feel so ashamed? Why do I feel like everyone is looking at me?

As I pack my shopping wearing my snot dampened mask, I know that my brain has gone into auto-pilot, my trusted facemask has tricked me into thinking that I’ve shat myself, right there in the middle of Aldi. The same feeling of guilt and embarrassment is there, the same feeling of bodily fluid on skin and the same feeling of helplessness. An opinion piece? Perhaps not – but what is opinion when faced with the cold hard fact of reality?

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Featured Leeds UK

New Covid strain ‘so trippy and way less mongy’ says unbearable flatmate

This week worrying news broke of a new highly infectious strain of Covid-19 ravaging Tory strongholds in the South East of England, causing panic in Waitrose and the emergence of Tier 4: Continental Drift. With today’s press conference confirming that 2021 will most likely be a sad continuation of the previous year there remains much interest in the new variant. 

However, The Whip has learned that there are some characteristics of the new mutation that the mainstream media have mysteriously omitted from their daily bulletins, begging the question: has Chris Whitty even tried this new strain?

According to that unbearable prick in your flat (if you can’t think of who that is, take a long look at yourself), the new strain is “so trippy and way less mongy”. The Whip caught up with amateur researcher Tia Foreman, who released the information late on Saturday night at a fairly bleak post-travel-window-pre-drinks.

“Yeah I tried it this week, I had a number for a guy from Kent, Nasal Drops 💯, who had managed to get his hands on the new strain” said the serial family disappointment and Sports Management first-year (not necessarily linked). “He texted me “outside in 30”, and 4 hours later I was in his car getting a gram of the new strain which as it turns out was just a bag of his spit.

“I’ve even thought of a name for it, Purple Lung Dogg, so I hope they start using that in the daily briefings, just as some recognition for my research. Was the 2 week isolation period and the danger I put Nana in worth it? That’s for you to decide – but the visuals were so sick and I didn’t even feel tired, it just gave me a lovely dry cough and I felt bare hot. It was a nice change from the normal strain, I’ve had it so often I’ve kind of got a tolerance, you get me?” 

The Whip believes she meant ‘immune’, but hastened to leave the meeting rather than correcting her. 

We can only speculate on whether Tia’s research is of use to the government, although we have suspicions the answer is: is it fuck.

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Featured Leeds UK

London based turkeys gobble sigh of relief

On Saturday afternoon the Government announced that London and much of the South East were being placed in the newest member of the ‘Botched Pandemic Response Cinematic Universe’, Coronavirus Tier 4.

While to the uneducated observer Tier 4 might look like another Lockdown, it isn’t because the Government said so… alright?

With the very spirit of Christmas now hanging in the balance, the people of Britain have been searching for a glimmer of hope, a fragment of festive joy and after much research we at The Whip couldn’t find any.

However, amongst the burgeoning turkey population in the South of England, there is cause for celebration. With Christmases across the region cancelled, millions of turkeys have been freed from their traditional roles, and the future for turkeys has never looked brighter.

The Whip caught up with human-turkey spokesperson Russel Sprouts, to hear how the news has positively impacted the turkey community.

“Turkeys have never been under any illusions that Christmas is when they’re at their most popular, they’re like Michael Bublé in that respect. But much like Michael Bublé, they exist throughout the rest of the year, and have ambitions beyond just the festive period.

“The relief is palpable – absolutely! They’ll be gobbling on the streets of Turkey Town tonight, of that I’m sure. We just hope that turkeys can seize this opportunity and try and reframe themselves as pets, pack animals or therapy animals – although our last therapy turkey went rogue at an orphanage and had to be incinerated…with a balsamic reduction.”

A blue Christmas for many this year, but think of the turkeys and those lumpy fleshy sack things they have on their necks and you can’t help but retch a bit.

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Featured Leeds

3 Wise Men Miss Travel Window; Forced to Remain in Lupton for Christmas

The Christmas student travel window, the joyous icing on the cake after a term of restrictions and happiness-destroying government policies, has now drawn to a close.

Unbeknownst to many students, however, is that the window had no room for negotiation and has now been slammed shut, bolted and barred as a Hyde Park house window so often isn’t.

In a festive turn of events, amongst those confined to student accommodation are the three wise men. Less than halfway through their annual piss-up tour to Bethlehem the kings have found themselves in a mid-range, shared bathroom, single room surrounded by students who have forgotten what the city of Leeds looks like.

Unfortunate for the students and wise men alike, not only has the M62 been lined with student-spotting snipers but the M6 has sniffer dogs at every lay-by, trained to sense the slightest whiff of 2in1 shampoo on a Leeds boy’s head upon their late escape from James Baillie.

The Whip caught up with all three wise men for a comment on this dangerously depressing situation: Unfortunately, no one here at The Whip speaks ancient arameic so we were unable to understand a word they were saying.

We can confirm that the three wise men are making good use of their time in Lupton by creating their own Soundcloud rap group and teaching trapped students how to get creative with bottles of myrrh. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, after all. 

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Featured Leeds

Hyde Park house celebrate end of lockdown by throwing house party last week

With Leeds officially today hurtling full speed out of Lockdown into the brick wall that is Tier 3, many residents are looking forward to their newfound freedoms.

Some residents in fact, were so excited at the prospect of an end to Lockdown 2: Re-locked that they decided to pre-emptively throw a lavish house party, Rita Ora style, whilst the country was still in the midst of Lockdown II: Down and Out in Lockdown City.

The Whip caught up with irresponsible reveller Justin Kace to find out more.

“Firstly, I’d like to say, no comment. But secondly, I’d like to say, it was only about 30 people AND we operated a strict one in one out policy when we danced the Hokey Cokey at 5:30am. Is it bad to throw a house party while we’re still in Lockdown? Undoubtedly yes. But we just got so over excited at the thought of being allowed back into gyms that we exercised our right to a pre gym opening boogie.”

Whilst The Whip strongly condemn such brazen acts of medical defiance, and question the validity of pre-emptive celebration, we have uncovered similar such events from the annals of history.

In the 1954 FA Cup final for instance, Preston North End pre-emptively celebrated defeating West Bromwich Albion 3-0 a week before the final took place, only to lose the final 3-2. Whilst at the 2008 Oscars, a confident Graham Norton threw himself a ‘Best Director Winner’ party two weeks earlier than the ceremony, before being deemed ineligible for the award as he had never directed a film in his life.

What can we learn from these events? You work it out I’m not here to spoon feed you like some massive idiot baby.