Category: Featured

Final year Classics student Philip Mountbatten-Windsor has learnt the hard way that a 12,000 word essay should not be left until the week before it’s due. Surviving solely on modafinil, Amber Leaf roll ups, and the Union Co-Op’s £1 coffees, it’s been a week of little sleep for Philip.

Snapped leaving Edward Boyle ten minutes before his dissertation deadline after an all-night library session, Philip was seen heading back to his £135/w castle on Ash Grove for some much-needed rest. Looking and smelling a bit like a dead pigeon, Philip’s physical condition should serve as a warning to anyone in their final year that leaving it until the last minute will stress you out so much that you resemble a badly drawn zombie. 

The Whip caught up with Phillip, 22, following his submission, having freshly showered and slept. Sporting a Nike gilet and a mullet, he informed us that even if he failed his dissertation and degree, he has some connections in high places that will sort him out with work post-Uni. We asked him how he had managed to so drastically transform his sickly appearance, to which he responded ‘⌇⟟⌰⟒⋏☊⟒ ⌿⎍⋏⊬ ⟒⏃⍀⏁⊑⌰⟟⋏☌’ before bursting into a swarm of bees. The Whip wishes him all the best in his future studies.

To great excitement and jubilation, new changes to the cursed library booking system have been introduced. Following scathing criticism from students and satirists alike, the University powers that be have looked down on the pitiful plight of the humble library goer and have smiled. Whereas previously one would have to scroll through various locations and dates on Eventbrite to discover if they had a seat on hallowed ground, users are now greeted by a sea of white with the occasional sad square of green adrift in this vast expanse.

Following this huge revelation in the day to day life of your common nerd, dweeb and geek, The Whip caught up with local bookworm, William Friendless, to hear his opinion on the new changes.

“I’m over the moon that the library booking system has finally changed. I must have submitted at least 50 LeedsFess posts on the subject so it’s great to know that direct democracy is still alive and well.

“I mean, yeah, I’m still not getting an actual seat in the library – unless you count when I sit on the bollards outside Laidlaw, which are actually quite comfy. But now I can see easily and clearly that I don’t have a seat and can start posting in Leeds Student Group, asking if anyone will trade two slots for a tenner.”

It seems that as the Library Saga rolls on from The Library: No Seat for Young Men to The Library Part 2: Seatless in Seattle, there isn’t an end in sight. Well apart from May when University finishes.

Nonetheless, we here at The Whip wish William the best of luck in finding the holy grail that is a floor 10 Eddie B seat near the water fountain but not near the loos.

This week the pandemic and accompanying governmental incompetence has been overlooked by the British press, instead the news has been saturated by an Oprah (off of Oprah) interview with Ed Sheeran (off of boring songs) and Rachel (off of Suits). If one man has contributed most to this failure of journalism, then it’s Piers Morgan, as he unashamedly questioned Rachel’s mental health, and achieved facial shades of fuschia hitherto unseen. 

In light of his lack of journalistic integrity, OFCOM have reported over 10,000 complaints of graphic gammon imagery on Good Morning Britain, leading to Piers’ removal as co-presenter and almost certainly causing tears for Piers.

Popular queueing spot and part-time sandwich haunt Bakery 164, have decided to honour his demise with a new ‘special’ sandwich. The Whip got in touch with head baker, Mr. Pickard (yes, they’re run by the same people, WAKE UP!), to find out more.

“When I was watching Good Morning Britain, I was in Britain and it was before midday. As I sat there in my pants daydreaming about soft focaccia bread and Abergavenny goats’ cheese, I saw this tubby pink man ranting about something of very little consequence and immediately thought of my favourite type of Christmas meat – gammon. Then, like a bolt of lightning, I had an idea for a new sandwich, the ‘Piers Morgan’ special.

“As I ran to my sandwich lab, the idea began to grow in my head: mustard? No, too colourful. Cheese? No, too interesting. Salad? No, Piers wouldn’t eat that. Then, as I donned my lab coat and fastened my hair net to my scalp, the perfect recipe hit me.”

“White bread. Gammon. Salt. Bland, tasteless and not very good for you – like the man himself.”

Upon deciding on this recipe, Mr. Pickard began production of the ‘Piers Morgan’ special, adding extra salt for each time he walked off set or made inappropriate comments towards his female co-presenters.

The Whip can only speculate on the popularity as to the ‘Piers Morgan’ sandwich, but if the man’s popularity is anything to go by then perhaps Mr. Pickard has bitten off more than he can chew.

The path of the oil company exec is a well trodden one: private school education, fashionable university champagne socialism,  before justifying the purchase of their first Oxford Street suite as “a fiscally prudent investment in my future” at 27.

However, in a move that has sent shockwaves through the sell-out-sphere, tickets to Edward Boyle on Eventbrite are giving these champagne socialists a run for their money. The Whip caught up with grad scheme hopeful Orla Boutdabenjamins, to see how she felt about the new shill on the block.

“I was a bit disappointed when I first found out, I’d just sent off my application and was going to spend the day in the library finding out how bad oil spills really can be. I opened Eventbrite at 3:05 on the dot and they’d all gone, even bloody Laidlaw had sold out! Who’s that desperate to work on a backless chair with a desk that reaches your ankles?

In these uncertain times you can be certain that these tickets will sell out faster than I defend BritPet’s commitment to be carbon neutral by 2050. And I can do that really fast, do you want to hear?” 

Orla proceeded to explain the reason carbon neutrality is physically impossible and economically naive prior to 2050 despite our attempts to leave the interview. 

So are library tickets the future of selling out? Don’t even bother checking if they’re still there, some lucky sod who probably won’t even turn up probably has the whole day booked.

Sign of the times!

During these times without precedent, unprecedented times if you will, people the world over are having to find new ways to entertain themselves as so many passions, hobbies and side-hustles are lost to the lockdown void.

Some have thrown themselves into new Covid friendly hobbies like baking, knitting or staring forlornly into the middle distance for 6-8 hours a day. Others have adapted their hobbies; The Whip has received reports of a group of Chess fanatics who’ve been playing outdoor Chess using stray cats they spray paint and dress like Chess pieces (Horsey, little one that there’s loads of, Queen Elizabeth II etc). Some, however, have had to seek enjoyment elsewhere, and find new ways to stave off boredom. One such person is first year Tim O’Greedy who, with clubs closed for the foreseeable, has had to resort to consistently getting 80+ in all his marked work so far this year. The Whip caught up with him to find out more.

“I came to Uni expecting to barely scrape into second year, that was always my aim. First year was going to be dedicated to weeklong benders without surrender, putting my mind, body and spirit through the gauntlet of debauchery and hedonism. In second year, I’d knuckle down, buy a diffuser, start freezing my meals and become a functioning member of society, but I’ve had to abandon my plans like David Cameron abandoned his daughter at the pub that one time. With no recourse to public partying I’ve been left with no option but to absolutely smash my degree, which is the last thing I wanted to do.”

Boogying till sunrise has become book-reading till about 8pm, the spot on the wall where high rise tickets would be pinned now has a reminder to ‘clean under fridge’, where empty bottles once proudly lined the windowsill, a well-tended bonsai tree and a mug full of paperclips now sit. Tim however, remains optimistic.

“This is temporary, at the end of the day, I didn’t come to Uni to get a degree, and no pandemic is going to change that. As soon as I can, I’ll be back out there ignoring deadlines and being generally useless.”

And we here at The Whip say, that is a terrible idea Tim but you do you. 

The Christmas student travel window, the joyous icing on the cake after a term of restrictions and happiness-destroying government policies, has now drawn to a close.

Unbeknownst to many students, however, is that the window had no room for negotiation and has now been slammed shut, bolted and barred as a Hyde Park house window so often isn’t.

In a festive turn of events, amongst those confined to student accommodation are the three wise men. Less than halfway through their annual piss-up tour to Bethlehem the kings have found themselves in a mid-range, shared bathroom, single room surrounded by students who have forgotten what the city of Leeds looks like.

Unfortunate for the students and wise men alike, not only has the M62 been lined with student-spotting snipers but the M6 has sniffer dogs at every lay-by, trained to sense the slightest whiff of 2in1 shampoo on a Leeds boy’s head upon their late escape from James Baillie.

The Whip caught up with all three wise men for a comment on this dangerously depressing situation: Unfortunately, no one here at The Whip speaks ancient arameic so we were unable to understand a word they were saying.

We can confirm that the three wise men are making good use of their time in Lupton by creating their own Soundcloud rap group and teaching trapped students how to get creative with bottles of myrrh. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, after all. 

With Leeds officially today hurtling full speed out of Lockdown into the brick wall that is Tier 3, many residents are looking forward to their newfound freedoms.

Some residents in fact, were so excited at the prospect of an end to Lockdown 2: Re-locked that they decided to pre-emptively throw a lavish house party, Rita Ora style, whilst the country was still in the midst of Lockdown II: Down and Out in Lockdown City.

The Whip caught up with irresponsible reveller Justin Kace to find out more.

“Firstly, I’d like to say, no comment. But secondly, I’d like to say, it was only about 30 people AND we operated a strict one in one out policy when we danced the Hokey Cokey at 5:30am. Is it bad to throw a house party while we’re still in Lockdown? Undoubtedly yes. But we just got so over excited at the thought of being allowed back into gyms that we exercised our right to a pre gym opening boogie.”

Whilst The Whip strongly condemn such brazen acts of medical defiance, and question the validity of pre-emptive celebration, we have uncovered similar such events from the annals of history.

In the 1954 FA Cup final for instance, Preston North End pre-emptively celebrated defeating West Bromwich Albion 3-0 a week before the final took place, only to lose the final 3-2. Whilst at the 2008 Oscars, a confident Graham Norton threw himself a ‘Best Director Winner’ party two weeks earlier than the ceremony, before being deemed ineligible for the award as he had never directed a film in his life.

What can we learn from these events? You work it out I’m not here to spoon feed you like some massive idiot baby.