Category: Featured

Today, Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced that the nation is in its ‘moment of maximum risk.’ As The Whip did not attend this press conference, we can only infer that this ‘risk’ is posed by the government’s cabinet, which is at its ‘maximum’ by having more PPE graduates in one Zoom call than could ever be wanted or needed.

Politics, Philosophy, and Economics, or PPE to friends, has for several years been a one-way ticket from Oxford to Her Majesty the Queen’s Government, calling at amorality, entitlement, and Slough. Matt Hancock and Rishi Sunak are a few of many graduates in the cabinet who probably read To Kill a Mockingbird and thought the ideas of ‘empathy’ presented were ‘interesting ones, for sure.’

The Whip spoke to Mr. Gynist, a professor of PPE at Hancock’s college in Oxford. While most of his speech was gargling, profanity, and golf jokes, he showed us a page of revision notes the health secretary to-be had drawn up for his finals. His professor had had them framed since.

The page was divided into three columns, Politics, Philosophy, and Economics. Under ‘Politics’ was scrawled ‘Whatever it takes.’ in a curious dried red ink with what looked like a pentagram next to it.

In the ‘Philosophy’ column were two quotes, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few – Spock,” and then one which we couldn’t understand because it was in German. Meanwhile, in the ‘Economics’ column, Hancock had simply written out the entire lyrics of ‘Baby You’re a Rich Man’ by The Beatles.

In a startling turn of events Prince Charles has been the latest victim of Covid-19’s militant war on humanity’s airways.

Yet the question remains as to how the Prince of Wales caught the virus. That well-known rag the Daily Mail have pointed the finger at Meghan Markle, suggesting she served her father-in-law bat casserole in the Buckingham Palace dining room in a plea to infect him and obliterate the royal family from the inside, one cough at a time. However, this claim has subsequently been debunked, as it was found she had been with her husband, Harry, giving him reading lessons from Roald Dahl’s The BFG.

Prince Andrew was also quick to leap to his own defence, stating that he couldn’t possibly be the person responsible as he had spent the past two days having, as he puts it ‘a non-stop pizza-athon lock-in’ with take-away food from Pizza Express Woking. While as difficult to believe as his claim that his photo with Virginia Roberts Giuffre was fake, Randy Andy’s alibi was widely accepted and the Commissioner of Police of the Metropolis believed the prince, adding that she believed Andrew’s alibi to be “As watertight as a Falklands veteran’s skin.” Who was responsible for infecting Charles? Perhaps we may never know. But The Whip wishes him a swift recovery and recommend, to ease his dry cough he gets in plenty of Throne & Chest Lozenges.

A UN court mandate has today announced that COVID-19 will be sentenced to 23 years of incarceration in what has been dubbed “the belly of the beast.” The pandemic, on account of being a global atrocity and a real dick, will serve 23-to-life inside one of the most unpleasant men north of Hell’s seventh circle.

The imprisonment is what many are calling a two-birds-with-one-bastard solution: neither benefits, both are punished, and the rest of the world can exhale lightly while sitting down on the sofa with a medium glass of wine.

Neither the parasite nor COVID-19 could be reached for a statement, as they were both too busy looking in the mirror and thinking about how they only had themselves to blame.

However, cries of joy have emanated among the wider population in the form of socially-distant street parties. In their front gardens, balconies and rooftops, people have been whooping, clapping, exchanging air-high-fives and virtual chest bumps. It has been likened to a child pretending to play football with their father who abandoned the family years ago, but less sad. 

Following yesterday’s declaration of COVID-19 as a global pandemic, reports have emerged of several drastic cases of self-isolation. One such case is that of the disgraced Hollywood producer and all round piece of shit, Harvey Weinstein.

Several news outlets confirmed that the man who looks like the bit of skin on your elbow that goes all saggy and gross when you extend your arm (what’s that called?) will be self-isolating in a jail cell for at least 23 years. It is possible that this is in response to a justified fear of karmic retribution exacting itself on the twat.

Either way, Weinstein will not be participating in society for quite some time, which is possibly the best piece of news of the last week. He could not be reached for a statement, so The Whip thought we’d take this opportunity to list other people we would like to self-isolate:

Jeff Bezos, Dominic Cummings, any murderers or people with an urge to harm others, the ticket inspector who didn’t accept a picture of my railcard and my ID as valid proof of the fact that I had a railcard and I just forgot it, and all hate groups.

A Liberal Arts student has revealed this week that they spent a record total of 4 hours writing their latest assignment, with most of that time dedicated to removing the hyperlinks.

The student in question, third-year Libby Dosser, managed to find the time to speak to The Whip between reading her Sally Rooney book, learning Esperanto and the dozen other things she’s decided to take up to fill the void left by her 2 hours contact time per week.

“It was a tough process and I found that I had to take regular breaks. I was worried about getting an RSI from hitting ‘backspace’ too much, so I decided to play it safe and only spend half an hour deleting hyperlinks per day.”

Her essay topic, ‘Do you reckon Hegel would have smoked weed if he was alive today?’ was one that, by her own admission, Libby had not given much thought to previously, but once she had opened Wikipedia, it did not take her long to fill her word-count.

“I never used to take so much care with my work, but I once had a close call when I was super busy and didn’t have time to check my essay properly before submitting. I was called into a meeting with my personal tutor to explain why so many of my sentences ended with random numbers in square brackets. Luckily my tutor takes quite a relaxed view of plagiarism, insisting that ‘we were all young once’ and as long I promised to be a bit more careful about hiding it next time, they agreed to increase my mark from 68 to 74.”

It’s no surprise that at high flying Russell Group universities such as Bristol the demand for internships is rife. The applications, however, are not for the weak; and reading books, volunteering and fake work experiences with your new girlfriend’s father have not been so popular since the few weeks before UCAS closed. The final stage of the process is usually an interview and with questions such as ‘How would you kill someone and get away with it’; these are definitely not a walk in the park.

It is, however, possible to find the odd student who managed to find success. Third-year undergraduate Minty Clement-Mountbatten has told The Whip about how she recently landed a six-week internship with one of the UK’s top law firms. We caught up with Minty to find out exactly how she accomplished this major feat.

“It was Christmas morning”, Minty began, “I was staying with my father and his new girlfriend whilst my mother travelled solo around the dunes of India.”

“I was pretty nervous, Dad is a scary figure, but all in all was actually pretty easy. I worked up the courage over the foie gras starter so that by the main course, and with the encouragement of Granny, I could tell that I was doing pretty well. At the end of the interview, he shook my hand and told me I had the job! It was such a relief!”

Minty also offered up some advice to prospective candidates: “Honestly, don’t overthink it. If your first opportunity fails, you can always just text your godfather. I think most students exaggerate the whole process anyway.”

For many, Christmas is a time to relax and reboot, with the hardest choice being between custard and cream on your mince pie.

One student however, upped the ante this holiday with a whirlwind return to meat eating.  Zachary Samphire spoke to The Whip about his lifechanging decision to quit veganism cold turkey in favour of a really exciting sandwich opportunity.

“Veganism was actually last year’s resolution” Zachary told our reporter: “Great for the planet, great for my body and a great new bragging opportunity – I was getting so sick of telling people my GCSE results.”

Things, however, didn’t go off without a hitch, with Samphire failing to kick-start his resolution until last Thursday, 352 days into the ‘new’ year.

“Better late than never, eh? And the 9A*s and an A thing felt like it had a bit more mileage” he responded.

“A few days in I was loving my new lifestyle – I’d only accidentally eaten one block of extra mature cheddar and three French hens. Christmas day itself was fine too since I was too sloshed to eat anything but roast potatoes”

“But it all went tits up when my mum started making the boxing day sandwiches. I was hanging out my arse and all I could think about were those long afternoons sat in The Hawthorns eating violently horrible wraps from Source cafe”

In that moment, Zachary made the bold decision to quit veganism for good, saying goodbye to oat and nut milks in favour of just regular milk, drinking four full pints of the stuff in one go to mark the occasion.

“I’ve finally gone cold turkey and never felt better. I’m so glad I finally listened to my body.”

With results day all but a distant memory, the next generations of lawmakers, debaters, and smug-smilers made their way down to Westminster for their first day of big school this week.

But reports of apathy and professional negligence already? Surely not?

The Whip’s political correspondent was saddened to overhear Ian Levy, recently elected conservative MP for Blyth Valley, flippantly informing his new colleagues that “first year doesn’t count anyway” at the House of Commons post-election piss-up.

Intrigue, our correspondent interviewed the increasingly rat-arsed Levy to find out more.

“You know mate,” sighed the MP, pausing for a light belch, “work’s only half of the equation. Let’s be real, no one comes to Westminster just to work, we want to go out and have some laughs too.”

The inebriated official continued, “My mate Jake came down here last year, and he did fuck-all work for his first year, and he still ended up as Leader of the Commons, so there’s hope for me yet.”

To gain an expert’s insight, The Whip interviewed LSE political scientist Harriet Hawthorn, who gave a rather unexpected verdict.

“We’ve had our top statisticians on the job, and we have now confirmed in our latest study that first year is indeed a doss. It doesn’t matter what the hell you do when you first arrive, you’ll get away with murder, really. Just a shame most of them never improve in the years that follow.”

Given the turmoil and tensions across the globe, it should be of great comfort to Britain that the country’s future is secure – for a year at least.

Bare-knuckle boxer Ben Stokes has been crowned the BBC Sports Personality of the Year 2019, in an event celebrating a year of sporting achievement.

Stokes, whose most famous fight took place at the legendary Clifton Triangle Arena, as he bravely defended himself by breaking his opponent’s eye socket, celebrated his achievement surrounded by friends and family at an awards ceremony in Aberdeen.

With an unorthodox pre-match routine, which includes heavy drinking and smoking, it is fitting that such a colourful character finally be given the recognition he deserves.

Other award contenders included Manchester City star Raheem Sterling, nominated after yet another successful year of looking a bit like a T-Rex when he runs.

Stokes will now be hoping to build on his success in the coming year, with plans already underway to achieve his next great sporting milestone: battering a racist outside La Rocca. A leaked Rocky-style training montage video shows him outside the Triangle club sparring with men dressed like members of the EDL, with a source close to Stokes explaining that this is how he gets himself ‘up for scrapping some fucking racists.’

While future achievements are certainly on the horizon, for the time being at least, Ben Stokes will be celebrating his latest sporting achievement.