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Bristol Featured

“I’m 90% hummus!” lies 100% twat

This week, the university’s Hummus Society had to defend itself from accusations that it represented “culture-death”, a “neoliberal nadir” and “a novel way of being alone in a packed room.”

Society President Ali Waller came out swinging. “Hummus is my life. My identity has taken refuge inside this Levantine dip. It does not want to leave. It is delicious, and this is enough for me. I am 90% hummus.

“After a while, the David Attenborough and Louis Theroux T-Shirt societies were not quite doing it for me. Even I, as brain-dead as I am, could not re-watch David’s Weird Weekdays in the PornPlanet for the fourth time. Just like those shows, this umami sludge is a great leveller. It brings us together, but without those diminishing returns.

“There’s so much to say, to debate. Red Pepper Hummus vs. Garlic vs. Olive vs Briscrush vs. Original. Whether hummus is spelled houmous or hummus or hamas.” 

She continued: “So much humour, too! We have great pita-patter! When I finish the 12 serving tub, I remark, wryly, ‘cuff me boys n girls, I’ve committed hummus-side!’ That’s a joke about consuming hummus, killing it via the eating of it with my mouth. Think I’ll put that on Bristruths later.” 

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Featured Uncategorised

Bristol parents set up ‘distrust fund’ after not being paid back for son’s summer exploits

Trust funds are an age-old means of hoarding wealth for future generations, however, breaking with tradition, the parents of one Churchill Hall student, Thomas Wise, have decided to set up a ‘distrust’ fund, after their irresponsible and unreliable son failed to pay them back for his extravagant summer holiday.

Mr and Mrs Wise explained that the despite the fact that they do ‘really, really’ trust their son, they thought a distrust fund would be a sufficient precautionary measure to ensure they got their money back.

Quick to defend himself, Thomas told The Whip, “I’ll pay them back. I said I’d pay them back so I will definitely pay them back. I just can’t seem to get a steady flow of income at the moment. It’s important to prioritise things, and I don’t think I should be penalised just because I won’t work and spend all of my student loan on drugs and Motion tickets.”

Thomas’s flatmates were quick to chip in: “Tom? Trustworthy? No way. He’s the sort of guy who’ll steal your milk without telling you and every single New Year he promises he’s going to start going to the gym, but you can trust that he won’t ever actually go. Get it? Trust! No, but seriously, though, his spending habits are a burden on us all.”

Thomas’s despairing parents have said that if the ‘distrust’ fund doesn’t work, they may consider setting up Santander’s new ‘That Bastard Better Pay Us Back Our Money’ bank account. Regardless, it is certainly safe to say that Tom will think twice when spending his parents’ money in future.

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Featured Manchester UK

Student accidentally agrees to sacrifice firstborn in house contract small print

Reports just in confirm an unprecedented student-landlord disagreement has taken place, whereby a 21 year old student has unwittingly agreed to offer up his first born to his landlord as part of a pre-agreed deposit.

The court case is ongoing, with Jack Barker attempting to appeal the decision on the grounds that he was hungover when he signed the contract. “I’d had a bit of a mad one for Charlie’s birthday the night before, we went Friendship then ended up at Cubo. Just one of them ones.” he told The Whip.

“I wasn’t really paying attention to be honest and I kind of regret it now, next time I sign a contract I’ll probs actually read it.” At the time of the signing, the small print had appeared, through Barker’s bloodshot eyes, to just be a grey blur.

The landlord, Andrew Morrison, is maintaining his stance. Barker’s lawyers are attempting to appeal to Morrison’s softer side but to no avail. Despite their best efforts, it looks like Barker’s first child is set contractually be a part of Morrison’s covert sacrificial rituals. When asked to give a comment Morrison declined.

In a final statement Barker added “On the bright side at least I don’t have to worry about paying my deposit just yet and I’m not gonna go into my overdraft!”

The Whip will be following the ongoing court case.

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Featured Manchester

‘10th time free!’ Fallowfield muggers launch loyalty card scheme

Reports just in confirm that the Fallowfield Muggers Association (FMA) will be introducing student loyalty cards as part of a transformative new act. The Whip spoke to the head of the initiative, to see how the loyalty cards will change the mugging experience for students.

Creator of the new act, Anonymous Patroller of Ladybarn Road, told The Whip, “we wanted to show our customers how appreciative we are of them and their dumb attempts to walk home from Factory on their own.

“Each time we mug them, they can have a stamp on their card in the shape of a little black eye. The 10th time, we’ll let them choose one item which they can keep!”

When we looked closely at the T&C’s, we noted that it did say that 10th “keepable” item cannot be: your phone, laptop, wallet, purse, headphones, bus-pass, keys, coat, shoes, soul or dignity.

 

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Featured Manchester

‘Tektu is my favourite genre,’ says clued-up fresher

An in-the-know first year has declared club night Tektu his favourite genre of electronic music. 

Ben Woakes, an Unsworth Park resident, told The Whip about his newfound love for the genre.

“Coming to uni has been a musical wake-up call. In Freshers’ Week I invited my flat to Band on the Wall to see this great singer-songwriter from my town in Hertfordshire but they laughed me off and went to Cubo instead.

“So I figured I should get to know about this new EDM side of things. To be honest it’s all been a bit confusing.

“There’s house, techno, and garage. Those are the easy ones. I’m not a fan though, it’s all a bit samey. But then I heard these second years talking about Tektu. I thought, ‘That sounds like my kind of vibe!’

“So yeah, Tektu is my favourite genre now. If you know, you know. And if you want to get to know, you should check out the earlier stuff in the genre. It’s all an offshoot of this other genre called ‘Factory 3rd floor’, which is another of my favourite genres.

“I’ve heard there are some clubs in town that play some banging Tektu so I’m going to check those out this weekend.”

 

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Bristol Featured UK

Bristol Uni to replace pastoral care provision with self-service checkouts

In a surprise move Hugh Brady today announced plans to replace face-to-face pastoral care with supermarket-style self service checkouts.

The Whip has learnt that the change is inspired by the most recent season of Netflix’s hit show Black Mirror.

According to insider sources, it was after binge-watching all of season 4 that the vice-chancellor had the ‘sudden urge’ to replace all feeling, emotion and humanity with the new tech.

Some critics have voiced concerns with the proposal, especially those from the the University’s finance department. The VC has, however, ensured shareholders that ‘measures will be taken to prevent students from checking out a variety of mental health issues and homesickness problems as single loose onions’.

The spokeswoman for mental health at the University approached The Whip in support of the change, stating that she ‘figured it was easier to tell people to take a walk or do some exercise through a machine than actually meeting and talking though their ‘issues’ in person’.

UoB recently ran a survey regarding this issue. Results showed a 99% disapproval rating, which, for Brady, is a sufficiently democratic mandate for the university to continue with the project.