What’s that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? Well, in a way, yes; it’s the return of normality.
As the 21st of June breaches the horizon, in a pathetic attempt to stay relevant, Zoom have launched their most realistic platform to date: Zoom Live Indeed, this new platform feels like the least necessary invention since Tango Orange shower gel, leaving many people asking: “Isn’t that just real life?”, and others asking: “Tango shower gel? Can you drink it?”.
The news comes as Zoom plan for a post-COVID utopia in which quizzes, web-cams and waiting rooms (including at the dentists) will no longer exist. In an effort to move with the times, Zoom Live will allow users to interact with each other on a 3D-in-person interface complete with physical touch features and a premium setting that allows you to hug your favourite nan.
The Whip caught up with 51-year-old Charles E. O’Zoom to hear about his experience with the new technology.
“I would just like to begin by stating that I categorically have no relation to the Best Company Culture 2020 winners Zoom. My Irish last name is merely a coincidence and I have no conflict of interest with the 5th most downloaded app of 2020, even though it does seem like a pretty great company with lots to offer the human race and the planet as a whole.
“When I used Zoom Live for the first-time last week, I couldn’t believe how real it made real life feel. I was having a conversation with my friend and it was so realistic that I completely forgot that there wasn’t a screen between us, just air!
“As we concluded our conversation about how funny it would be if a boat got stuck in the Suez Canal one day, I decided to try out the physical touch feature, and reached out to hold my friend’s hand. He immediately started to cry and said: ‘Thank you, Zoom! I haven’t touched anyone in well over a decade. You’re the best company in the world, I think it’s completely right that you don’t pay any tax!’, I agreed with him and we parted ways feeling fulfilled and happy because of Zoom.
“Overall, I was very pleased with Zoom Live and would rate it 11/10.”
The Whip realizes that Charles E. O’Zoom was actually the CEO of Zoom, and regrets writing this article.