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Leeds

‘Isn’t that just real life?’ Zoom launches interactive wireless conversation platform

What’s that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? Well, in a way, yes; it’s the return of normality.

As the 21st of June breaches the horizon, in a pathetic attempt to stay relevant, Zoom have launched their most realistic platform to date: Zoom Live Indeed, this new platform feels like the least necessary invention since Tango Orange shower gel, leaving many people asking: “Isn’t that just real life?”, and others asking: “Tango shower gel? Can you drink it?”.

The news comes as Zoom plan for a post-COVID utopia in which quizzes, web-cams and waiting rooms (including at the dentists) will no longer exist. In an effort to move with the times, Zoom Live will allow users to interact with each other on a 3D-in-person interface complete with physical touch features and a premium setting that allows you to hug your favourite nan.

The Whip caught up with 51-year-old Charles E. O’Zoom to hear about his experience with the new technology.

“I would just like to begin by stating that I categorically have no relation to the Best Company Culture 2020 winners Zoom. My Irish last name is merely a coincidence and I have no conflict of interest with the 5th most downloaded app of 2020, even though it does seem like a pretty great company with lots to offer the human race and the planet as a whole.

“When I used Zoom Live for the first-time last week, I couldn’t believe how real it made real life feel. I was having a conversation with my friend and it was so realistic that I completely forgot that there wasn’t a screen between us, just air!

“As we concluded our conversation about how funny it would be if a boat got stuck in the Suez Canal one day, I decided to try out the physical touch feature, and reached out to hold my friend’s hand. He immediately started to cry and said: ‘Thank you, Zoom! I haven’t touched anyone in well over a decade. You’re the best company in the world, I think it’s completely right that you don’t pay any tax!’, I agreed with him and we parted ways feeling fulfilled and happy because of Zoom.

“Overall, I was very pleased with Zoom Live and would rate it 11/10.”

The Whip realizes that Charles E. O’Zoom was actually the CEO of Zoom, and regrets writing this article.

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Featured Leeds

Dissertation proving too stressful for Philip, 22

Final year Classics student Philip Mountbatten-Windsor has learnt the hard way that a 12,000 word essay should not be left until the week before it’s due. Surviving solely on modafinil, Amber Leaf roll ups, and the Union Co-Op’s £1 coffees, it’s been a week of little sleep for Philip.

Snapped leaving Edward Boyle ten minutes before his dissertation deadline after an all-night library session, Philip was seen heading back to his £135/w castle on Ash Grove for some much-needed rest. Looking and smelling a bit like a dead pigeon, Philip’s physical condition should serve as a warning to anyone in their final year that leaving it until the last minute will stress you out so much that you resemble a badly drawn zombie. 

The Whip caught up with Phillip, 22, following his submission, having freshly showered and slept. Sporting a Nike gilet and a mullet, he informed us that even if he failed his dissertation and degree, he has some connections in high places that will sort him out with work post-Uni. We asked him how he had managed to so drastically transform his sickly appearance, to which he responded ‘⌇⟟⌰⟒⋏☊⟒ ⌿⎍⋏⊬ ⟒⏃⍀⏁⊑⌰⟟⋏☌’ before bursting into a swarm of bees. The Whip wishes him all the best in his future studies.

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Leeds

‘You can’t erase our culture!’ Police set up protection around campus bacon statue

As Great Britain, a nation built on aversion to the truth masquerading as politeness and civility, wakes up to the chronic injustices faced by people the world over (many products of our colonial past) questions about our relationship with our history are rightly being asked. The most important question of course being ‘Why won’t anyone think of the statues in all this?!’

The conveniently distracting debate about whether big metal blokes are the best medium by which to express any country’s chequered history has finally turned its unfocused gaze towards the abstract. In an entirely unsurprising turn of events, our boys in blue (not to be confused with the cast of Avatar), have rallied round a cornerstone of their culture, the salty monument to the constabulary that is bacon.

We spoke with West Yorkshire Police Spokesfed Sergeant Hans Cuffs to ask about the motivation behind this protective police protest.

“As police we’re just scared you know. We feel like everyone is after us, and for what? All we’re doing each day is trying to protect people – by arresting them, infringing on their rights, and entrenching systemic inequality whilst demanding more intrusive powers. Why don’t people see that we have their best interests at heart?

“We finally decided to stand up for our heritage and form a protective barrier around the bacon statue on campus, taking ownership of a verbal stick that has too often been used to beat us, in much the same way we beat actual people with actual sticks. Despite no material threat to the statue and a grisly murder happening about 35 metres away, we decided that our vacuous gesture was important and necessary.”

The Whip HQ was broken into by a rival satirical news outlet over the weekend and despite catching the perpetrators on CCTV the West Yorkshire Constabulary have informed us that they must focus their efforts on more ‘Empty diversionary tactics.’

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Featured Leeds

New colour-coded library booking system helps you visualise your lack of tickets

To great excitement and jubilation, new changes to the cursed library booking system have been introduced. Following scathing criticism from students and satirists alike, the University powers that be have looked down on the pitiful plight of the humble library goer and have smiled. Whereas previously one would have to scroll through various locations and dates on Eventbrite to discover if they had a seat on hallowed ground, users are now greeted by a sea of white with the occasional sad square of green adrift in this vast expanse.

Following this huge revelation in the day to day life of your common nerd, dweeb and geek, The Whip caught up with local bookworm, William Friendless, to hear his opinion on the new changes.

“I’m over the moon that the library booking system has finally changed. I must have submitted at least 50 LeedsFess posts on the subject so it’s great to know that direct democracy is still alive and well.

“I mean, yeah, I’m still not getting an actual seat in the library – unless you count when I sit on the bollards outside Laidlaw, which are actually quite comfy. But now I can see easily and clearly that I don’t have a seat and can start posting in Leeds Student Group, asking if anyone will trade two slots for a tenner.”

It seems that as the Library Saga rolls on from The Library: No Seat for Young Men to The Library Part 2: Seatless in Seattle, there isn’t an end in sight. Well apart from May when University finishes.

Nonetheless, we here at The Whip wish William the best of luck in finding the holy grail that is a floor 10 Eddie B seat near the water fountain but not near the loos.

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Leeds

Inconspicuous! Dealer buys fleet of stretch limos to ensure social distancing

With the UK knee-deep in the third installment of the lockdown trilogy no one wanted, the Many Dealers of Leeds (no relation to the Merry Wives of Windsor) have had to hunt for ever more creative ways to keep the bags flowing and the Covid spread slowing. One dealer, who goes by the street-name ‘Medium Ken’ has taken that responsibility particularly seriously and recently purchased 10 stretch limos for each of his runners, whom he lovingly calls ‘Ken’s little boffins’. We caught up with Ken to hear more about this innovative development in narcotic delivery.

“I mean let’s start off by saying that there wouldn’t even be a pandemic if we didn’t have any 5G masts, let’s say that right away at the start ok.

“But while most people are yet to wake up and unplug from the twat-matrix as I call it, I have noticed a lot of my customers getting more and more paranoid as this hoaxdemic has re-spread like microwaved butter.

“At the end of the day dealing is a customer service game, if my customers aren’t happy, I’m not happy. To that end, I picked up these 10 stretch limos on a bulk deal from a guy who ran a bachelorette party business until a rogue bridesmaid seized control of one of the limos and blocked the EuroTunnel for 48 hours – the business never recovered.

“Now my customers can pick up illicit substances in the midst of a pandemic with confidence! We have a pulley system along the ceiling of the limo to keep the 2 metres distance and after each sale we let a pigeon covered in hand sanitizer fly around to sanitize the limo’s cabin.”

Whilst we cannot condone such a flagrant violation of Covid laws and indeed standard laws, we here at The Whip have been impressed with the ingenuity of the man known as ‘Medium Ken’.

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Featured Leeds

Bakery 164 announce ‘Piers Morgan’ special of white bread, gammon and salt

This week the pandemic and accompanying governmental incompetence has been overlooked by the British press, instead the news has been saturated by an Oprah (off of Oprah) interview with Ed Sheeran (off of boring songs) and Rachel (off of Suits). If one man has contributed most to this failure of journalism, then it’s Piers Morgan, as he unashamedly questioned Rachel’s mental health, and achieved facial shades of fuschia hitherto unseen. 

In light of his lack of journalistic integrity, OFCOM have reported over 10,000 complaints of graphic gammon imagery on Good Morning Britain, leading to Piers’ removal as co-presenter and almost certainly causing tears for Piers.

Popular queueing spot and part-time sandwich haunt Bakery 164, have decided to honour his demise with a new ‘special’ sandwich. The Whip got in touch with head baker, Mr. Pickard (yes, they’re run by the same people, WAKE UP!), to find out more.

“When I was watching Good Morning Britain, I was in Britain and it was before midday. As I sat there in my pants daydreaming about soft focaccia bread and Abergavenny goats’ cheese, I saw this tubby pink man ranting about something of very little consequence and immediately thought of my favourite type of Christmas meat – gammon. Then, like a bolt of lightning, I had an idea for a new sandwich, the ‘Piers Morgan’ special.

“As I ran to my sandwich lab, the idea began to grow in my head: mustard? No, too colourful. Cheese? No, too interesting. Salad? No, Piers wouldn’t eat that. Then, as I donned my lab coat and fastened my hair net to my scalp, the perfect recipe hit me.”

“White bread. Gammon. Salt. Bland, tasteless and not very good for you – like the man himself.”

Upon deciding on this recipe, Mr. Pickard began production of the ‘Piers Morgan’ special, adding extra salt for each time he walked off set or made inappropriate comments towards his female co-presenters.

The Whip can only speculate on the popularity as to the ‘Piers Morgan’ sandwich, but if the man’s popularity is anything to go by then perhaps Mr. Pickard has bitten off more than he can chew.

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Leeds

Third year student sneaks into school geography lesson for face to face teaching

England reached its first major milestone in the gradual return to pre-pandemic normality today, as schools up and down the country opened their doors to the relief of parents of thick kids.

A notable absence from the government’s ‘roadmap for recovery’ has been any concrete guarantees for that most overlooked educational subculture; the University student. With little information available as to when and in what capacity students might one day be able to avoid answering seminar questions in glorious 3D, final year Geography student Anthony Arctica simply cannot avoid the allure of in person teaching and hatched a cunning plan. We caught up with them to find out more.

“I haven’t had in-person teaching in almost an entire year now. I’m not annoyed! Don’t make me come across as annoyed in your article – not that anyone reads them anyway, people only care about the headline. I understand the sacrifices everyone has had to make. My Uncle Terry sacrifices a pig to the Apollo, the Greek God of Plagues, every Thursday after The Chase, but he hasn’t had any luck yet.”

I heard that schools were coming back, and our student house is opposite a school, so I thought – Why the hell not! I traded clothes with a 16-year-old – nothing weird, I paid him £20 and bought him some ciggies too – and I spent the day living out my dreams of in-person education. I’ll be honest, they did cover quite a lot of stuff that I already knew, and a kid in year 7 called me an ‘Atlas Nonce’ when I was having a flick through one in the library, but to be honest it just took me back to my school days.’

The Whip have contacted West Yorkshire Constabulary and reported Mr Arctica to them.

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Leeds

Central Village residents hoping for swift return to sit down Wagas and lukewarm can of dark fruits

If you hadn’t already guessed, the lad in your flat eating beans out of the tin and blasting Tyler the Creator and Frank Ocean on his second-hand decks is finding life without the boys quite tough indeed.

Swathes of edgy boys, sporty lads and boring blokes are frothing at the mouth for a fresh pint of tart cider or even a whiff of a John Smith’s stained pub carpet. They’re gagging for a Wetherspoons breakfast, craving the feeling of a fresh pair of cords in an Urban Outfitter’s changing room, and desperate for a sit-down chicken katsu curry which they’ll order with no shame at all. You know the type.

Here at The Whip, we took a moment to acknowledge the struggle of these poor, bereft Leeds boys and remind ourselves that everybody is going through something this lockdown.

During these challenging times, we must acknowledge the struggle of those Tinder boys looking for a ‘sesh buddy’, without knowing when the next sesh will be. And those guys who just want someone to adventure with, unaware that it could be months before they can tell a real-life girl with misguided pride that they’re over six foot tall.

The days of tinnies in the park on a bright sunny day, pints of dark fruits outside Terrace and Old Bar and shitty Tesco cocktail tins on the long walk to town are a thing of the past. Come to think of it, all aspects of social alcohol consumption are non-existent unless you count a glass of Gallo rosé on FaceTime with your mum.

The Whip hope these days will soon return and with them, we can return the boring blokes of Leeds to their natural habitat. We just hope that Brudenell and Stone Roses are sufficiently stocked up on dark fruits lest all hell breaks loose.

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Leeds

Leeds alumni failing to make impact on placement

Making your mark in the workplace is a well-known challenge for new employees. How do you ensure people know who you are? Call you the right name? Don’t mistake you for a well-dressed lamppost?

A plethora of literature exists on this very subject. Books with titles such as ‘How to climb your way to the top and make people hate you on the way’ and ’10 secrets of success: the main secret is to have a lot of money’. Books dictated by people with names like Brunk Dunkley and Flip McGivern who have carved lucrative careers in the vacuous business literature business.

But one new starter, or, in this case, new Starmer, has clearly not sought out any advice from such self-help gurus and is floundering like a tiny dog in a massive pond. Ex-Leeds student Sir Keir Starmer has suffered the same fate as many a recent graduate and accepted the first job offer that came his way, as Leader of the Opposition, despite clearly having no real interest or aptitude for the role. The Whip caught up with one of Sir Keir’s new colleagues, the MP for Polzance West and Shadow Minister for Shawarma and Other Rotating Meats, Yvonne Salad, to hear more about Sir Keir’s first few weeks.

“Well when he first arrived at the office, we all thought that someone’s Uncle was here to take them to a Coldplay gig, but it turns out he’s the new Leader of the Labour Party – so that certainly came as a shock.”

“He has been very visible, and keeps throwing press conferences and saying lots of very important sounding things, but as soon as he’s done saying them, I immediately forget who he is and where I am. He’s like that light-flash machine from Men in Black that makes you forget everything but in human form.”

We here at The Whip of course wish Leeds alumni the greatest of success, but next time we’ll see if Chris Pine is making another Wonder Woman, he was here for a semester abroad wasn’t he?

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Featured Leeds

Library tickets sell out faster than student offered grad scheme at BP

The path of the oil company exec is a well trodden one: private school education, fashionable university champagne socialism,  before justifying the purchase of their first Oxford Street suite as “a fiscally prudent investment in my future” at 27.

However, in a move that has sent shockwaves through the sell-out-sphere, tickets to Edward Boyle on Eventbrite are giving these champagne socialists a run for their money. The Whip caught up with grad scheme hopeful Orla Boutdabenjamins, to see how she felt about the new shill on the block.

“I was a bit disappointed when I first found out, I’d just sent off my application and was going to spend the day in the library finding out how bad oil spills really can be. I opened Eventbrite at 3:05 on the dot and they’d all gone, even bloody Laidlaw had sold out! Who’s that desperate to work on a backless chair with a desk that reaches your ankles?

In these uncertain times you can be certain that these tickets will sell out faster than I defend BritPet’s commitment to be carbon neutral by 2050. And I can do that really fast, do you want to hear?” 

Orla proceeded to explain the reason carbon neutrality is physically impossible and economically naive prior to 2050 despite our attempts to leave the interview. 

So are library tickets the future of selling out? Don’t even bother checking if they’re still there, some lucky sod who probably won’t even turn up probably has the whole day booked.

Categories
Leeds

Responsible student establishes one-way system at illegal rave orgy

With a recent wave of law-breaking clandestine club nights coming to the attention of the rozzers, those wishing to throw a Covid friendly party (i.e. a party at which everyone will become intimately friendly with Covid by catching it) are on the lookout for ways to avoid scrutiny and potentially lessen punitive financial action.

One such method, already adopted by many in the retail industry, and briefly seen in pubs during the Great Pub Revival of June 2020 to November 2020, is the one-way system. A fool proof system that can in no way be circumvented and is completely and unequivocally effective, the one-way system was invented by Jules One-Way in 1884 after he walked directly into an oncoming shire horse. The system has seen a recent return to prominence thanks to the invention of the water slide and the popularity of Swedish tat emporium Ikea, both of which owe their continued relevance to the ingenuity of Jules One-Way.

Organiser of Illegal rave orgy night ‘DJs n BJs’, Olivia One-Way (no relation), was desperate to avoid a similar fate to ‘The Covid Arms’ in Birmingham and ‘The Abandoned Factory full of Stinky Crusties’ in Bristol, that saw organisers slapped and tickled with a £10,000 fine. The Whip caught up with Olivia to hear about her thoughtful cautionary plans.

“So basically right, I want to rave, I want to rave hard, I want to rave now, but most importantly, I want to rave safely. With all this Covid knocking about, I want to be able to have sex with strangers and gobble pellets like a horny tortoise, all with an air of consideration and care. So starting from our next illegal rave – inside the freezer of an abandoned vegan butchers in Chegton-On-The-Wold – we’ll have a strict one way system in the makeshift club that will criss-cross back and forth across the room. Also everyone will have to wear facemasks while they put their genitals through holes in the wall. Oh, and you have to sanitise your hands when you come in but not when you leave.”                 

The Whip reached out to Scotland Yard for comment but forgot to put a stamp on our letter so we don’t think they got it.

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Featured Leeds

Perseverance Rover told to self-isolate in Mars hotel for 14 days upon arrival

Sign of the times!