Hyde Park second year dreaming of accountancy career under pressure from parents to be DJ

A student at the University of Leeds is dreaming of a career in the financial services sector despite the explicit direction of his parents to pursue a musical, creative path.

“It all started in freshers week,” says Thomas Kelly, 20.

“I walked past the Accounting Society stall at the freshers fair. I thought I’d ask them some questions because they were giving out those pens with the furry balls on the end.”

What began as some innocent questions to bag a freebie rapidly spiralled out of control. Tom soon found himself attending accounting events, ranging from drinks at Terrace to wild parties that Leeds Business School has since distanced itself from.

“People often ask me if I joined for the drugs and to impress girls, but that’s not the case. It’s just a passion for numbers. I’ve only ever cared about the numbers.”

But Tom’s newfound love for accounting has not come without a cost. His parents have begun to despair that he will not follow in his father’s footsteps and become a psytrance DJ.

“They’ve been taking me to Boomtown ever since I was yea high [gestures to his knee]. I developed tinnitus at the age of six and mum wept with pride, but since I’ve been at uni they’ve been only been disappointed in the decisions I’ve made.

“My dad found three different types of graphics calculator in my underwear drawer over summer and threatened to kicked me out.”

The second year is looking into a year in industry but is conflicted between working for Houghton with his father or following his dream of a summer internship at PwC.


Second year experiences ‘cultural enlightenment’ after buying one pack of Wotsits from Abu Bakr

Second year student Arabella Bogden-Smythe yesterday approached The Whip to express the delight felt after her first trip to Asian convenience store Abu Bakr.

The Hyde Park resident described her experience of grabbing an 89p grab-bag of Wotsits en route to uni as “amazing and insightful, if not life-changing.” 

We caught up with the dewy-eyed Arabella on Monday evening to find out more.

“I was immediately flabbergasted when I walked through those sliding doors. I felt like I’d literally travelled 3,375 miles and was in Saudi Arabia. Fresh fruit, exotic veg, herbs and spices that I’d never seen before! Have you ever heard of turmeric?! It’s a yellow you just don’t get in Hampshire. Most of the packaging isn’t in English which I think is obviously really cool too.”

The second year, apparently fundamentally blind to the multicultural reality of her university town, went on: 

“I always knew Hyde Park was, you know, ethnic. I used to walk across Woodhouse on the way to uni from JB last year so I knew the vibe. But I never expected this. One small shop, so many stories. 

“I was planning on doing some travelling when I graduate next year, but now I don’t think I’ll have to – I’ve seen it all! The best of the world’s rich cultural tapestry, all at the end of Queens Road.” 


Drinking into oblivion surrounded by boring strangers definitely the best way to begin adult life, new research shows

A new study conducted by the Office for National Statistics has found that putting away ten units of alcohol a night in the company of those you have nothing in common with is unquestionably the best path into the adult world. 

This report has huge implications for the student community. The findings destroy the generally accepted notion that a regime of studying, extra-curricular activities and regular exercise is the most efficient route to a fulfilling and successful adulthood.

The study also claims that putting yourself £30,000 in debt, relying on the fortune of your parents, and acquiring a urinary tract infection are all contributing factors towards a healthier and happier you.

In the smoking area of Church nightclub, two inebriated strangers, Jack, from the ‘mid-midlands’ and Mike, from ‘basically London’, had this to say about the recent scientific development:

“You see, the thing is about being an adult is that you have to, just, you know, you know?” Mike supported this insightful statement with frequent and passionate interjections of “yes mate!” and “so true!”

The two then proceeded to agree with whatever the other said for a short period of time, before committing to live together next year.

We also got in contact with Amelia, a recent graduate from the University of Leeds for her take on the study.

“This news couldn’t have come at a worse time for me ” she admitted, “and I’ve had to have a real re-think.” Since hearing the results Amelia has been forced to change her lifestyle drastically: she’s burnt her First class degree in Biochemistry, split up from her boyfriends of five years and has turned down her 25k starting salary job.

“I thought I was doing things right – but it’s time to get my life back on track. I’ve re-enrolled to Leeds starting next year, applied for halls and started selling homemade bongs – I couldn’t be happier.”


‘Actually Just Rugby Society’ established for students who’ve had enough of chugging beer from asscracks

In a controversial move that diverges from all precedent, plans for a society whose sole aim is to play rugby have been put into motion, The Whip has heard.

Advocating “family friendly fun for men and women of all levels”, it has been widely condemned throughout the rugby community for attempting to remove an intrinsic aspect of the sport’s culture. 

By prioritising exercise and endorphin release over chauvinism, drinking and suppressed sexual tension, some have argued the Actually Just Rugby Society doesn’t understand what really attracts people to this prodigious sport: fragile masculinity.

To get a real glimpse into the cause of the schism and gauge the team members’ opinions, The Whip went down to one of the current rugby club’s socials.

“It’s bullshit”, explained third year flanker Tom, holding a pint of Guinness and pissing into the open mouth of a kneeling fresher.

“They try and make us out as animals when actually we’re all just really sound lads. What’s wrong with drinking anyway. We’re not hurting anyone!” Tom continued, his makeshift urinal nodding vigorously in approval as piss drenched its face. 

Despite LURUFC’s backlash, Actually Just Rugby has received a good uptake.

Jack Ricketts, 20, is amongst those who has signed up. “I’ve always been put off by the drinking and the nakedness, but now I can just get on with playing rugby… I have England trials next week!”  

With Varsity coming up, the next big debate is over who the University will put forward to play the biggest game of the season. 


Freshers caught frantically burning skinny jeans under cover of darkness

The Whip has been made aware of a bonfire dedicated to the destruction of skinny jeans by new university students in the early hours of this morning.

As the news broke it was unclear what the initial motivation was for the seemingly sinister act. Reports emerged, however, that rather than some sort of satanic ritual, this was instead five students damp with sweat attempting to cover all traces of having ever owned a pair of fitted trousers.

On the scene, a reporter for The Whip was able to catch up with one of the late-night fire-starters. “It’s awful!”, exclaimed Rory Cliff, 18 of Charles Morris, as he threw yet another skinny denim piece on the flames.

“I got to halls having spent loads of money at H&M on new clothes and now it turns out all anyone wears is Dickies and second hand cargo pants.” 

“It’s not only the trousers. I thought short-back-and-sides was a pretty standard haircut but now I’m looking into getting a mullet… And don’t even get me started on the piercings!” He continued, hands plunging a needle through his septum as he spoke.

This is not an exceptional case. LS6 locals claim it has become a local tradition every September to be woken to the sound of scurrying footsteps, frantic whispering and the distinctive smell of chargrilled drainpipe denim.  

While the University of Leeds has been encouraged to take a more open stance on tight clothing a spokesperson has reiterated that it has a reputation to uphold and that – although burning skinny jeans is not actively encouraged – getting rid of them does go a long way to developing a distinct Leeds identity in and around the campus.  


‘We just can’t believe our luck’: 5 Hyde Park residents on moving into a house with fully functioning electricity and water

When five students at the University of Leeds rushed to sign their second year house before Christmas 2017, they didn’t suspect anything out of the ordinary.

But what they found when they arrived was unprecedented in the world of Hyde Park student rentals.

After moving in to what they proudly hailed the ‘most burgled street in Leeds’, the friends were astonished to find that not only did the house have fully functioning electricity, but running water with enough pressure to reach as far as Theo’s attic shower.

The Whip caught up with the fortuitous five for an exclusive interview. Lead tenant Hetty had this to say:

“We feel like we’ve won the lottery. I plugged my Nutri-Bullet in for a laugh and was completely stunned to find that it actually worked! I blended a whole hock of ham out of sheer excitement!”

She went on:

“We thought we’d have to use the battery from Nina’s Fiat 500 to power the decks for our ‘Risqué Raj’ themed party in November – we never even dreamed we’d be able to use the power from the walls!”

One resident, Tim, felt so humbled by the experience that he’s rediscovered his relationship with Christ.

“I’ve decided we can’t let a blessing like this go to waste. We need to use this gift that’s been bestowed upon us to spread joy and happiness. Thus, we have decided to remove the password from our Wifi and allow all those who wish to connect to BTHub5-QCTW to surf the web free of charge. I’ll also be holding baptisms in the bath.”


Freshers certain they’ll be friends for life after realising common interest in ‘eating food’ and ‘breathing air’

Two newly acquainted Leeds freshernwere thrilled to find each other over beers on the first night of uni after realising they shared common interests in the most fundamental of human needs.

The two nutrient consumers were yet to meet anyone they felt they could truly connect with during the first 45 minutes of freshers, so we can only imagine their relief at discovering a kindred spirit to spend the year with.

“I just can’t believe I’ve met someone that not only loves eating, but is also a massive O2-head. I’ve met so many try-hards so far and all of them have obviously only been consuming a diet and respiring since they started at uni, whilst pretending they’ve been into it for years” explained Kieran McCarthy, 18, from Peterborough.

“It’s such a relief to find someone else who’s been inhaling and digesting for more than 18 years – it’s like we’ve been maintaining homeostasis together forever!”

“Agreed, I just wish we were born into the right generation,” Jamie Nottage, 19 of Bath, chimed in, “you see videos on the internet of hardcore breathers in those massive warehouses back in the 90s, all just standing there, drawing in air through their mouths. It makes you think: damn there’s nothing like that nowadays.

“Today’s generation just don’t really get it, all they care about is sleeping and standing, and like Depop or whatever.”

The enamoured duo have already begun planning their future and are aiming to become part of the first wave of Brits to have a crack at a new cult activity known as ‘seeing’.


Chemists redefine ‘absolute zero’ as the number of seats available in Edward Boyle

The entire scientific community was left speechless this morning after news emerged that the lower limit of the thermodynamic scale been totally redefined.

A research team at the University of Leed’s Chemistry department published their results today concluding that ‘absolute zero’ no longer means -273.15 degrees celsius, but is actually the exact number of available seats in the Edward Boyle library during exam season.

It is not yet certain how a concept previously illustrating the temperature at which the fundamental particles of nature have minimal vibrational motion, has now been rebranded to mean the number of uncomfortable chairs in a dingy study space on campus.

The Whip contacted Dr Richard Schofield, who led the research group, in order to clarify the importance of the discovery.

“We knew that this was going to be a fairly groundbreaking paper. The decision to challenge the intrinsic meaning of such a fundamental principle was always going to yield some shocking results.

“What really got us sweating through our lab coats was the fact that a concept, previously bound to the continuous measure of temperature has been totally turned on its head! It turns out the phrase ‘absolute zero’ is far more accurately defined as the total number of seats that students that aren’t doing real degrees like the sciences can perch upon. Staggering!

“Obviously none of us Chemists have ever dared venture into that academic cathedral of apathetic mediocracy – we spend our time in labs – but we’ve all heard the rumours. Apparently it’s always totally packed!”

The further implications of this discovery are yet to be fully realised but many academics throughout the department are all already postulating several theories.



Confusion and outrage after Wire plays song with word in it

Clubbers were left incredulous yesterday after Wire digressed from its tried-and-tested formula of playing only soul-crushing, minimalist techno and instead blasted a track containing a lyric.

The reaction from Wire’s clientele was far from positive. The attendees are known for their love of self-assured head nodding and loud, computer-y noises. They are certainly not known for their love of words, and its thought many are unable to read or write.

The Whip was on the scene immediately after the incident. We caught up with one Leeds University second year, James Beard, who witnessed the nightclub’s surprise change of approach.

“I came to Wire to vibe out to some sick beats and get sweaty as fuck, not listen to words. Like, if I wanted to listen to words I would go to my seminar tomorrow morning, speak to my parents, or something else similarly tragic.

“It seems nowadays that they’ve got some kind of agenda to force us to converse like functioning members of society and that’s simply not the role this nightclub has in Leeds culture. Frankly, they’re rising above their station and trying to dictate certain standards of communication, and none of us like it.”

The Whip reached out to Wire for comment. They replied with a link to a term-less 30 minute Soundcloud set, presumably in a bid to reaffirm their reputation after this latest scandal.


Non-DJs added to list of Leeds Uni minority groups by LUU

The University has today announced that Non-DJing students are now being classed as a minority demographic in Leeds.

The plan has been formed after a University-wide survey found that UoB student DJs outnumbered non-DJs 7:1. State-educated students, those not in possession of a Ralph Lauren cap and those without a second home in Europe (and/or a flat in London) have also been identified as diminishing – and immensely disadvantaged – social groups.

A society has been formed in order to protect the interests of this niche and specialised sub-section of the student body. Bella Langley, a second year English student, has taken on the role of student officer and representative for non-DJs, who have nicknamed themselves ‘normies’.

The Whip caught up with her this morning.

“I’m happy to have assumed the role as chair of the Normie Soc” she explained. “This society will provide vital support to those students who don’t, for whatever reason, DJ.

“This bizarre phenomenon can be seen all over the country. I have heard that the Universities of Bristol and Manchester are having to take similar steps to ensure the voices of the normies are listened to.

“It is, after all, very easy to get left behind in a University bubble so dominated by talk of decks, techno and dirty riddims. This environment can feel overwhelmingly alien to us normies.

“As normies, we simply don’t get it. Everyone knows that DJs love nothing more than taking themselves seriously, but their presence is getting ridiculous. Two people in my seminar insist on being referred to as their DJ names: DJ Grinder and Bass Bumper. To be fair, DJ Grinder has pretty good points to make”.


Second years bewildered to discover 93-year-old neighbour ‘not a fan’ of techno

A group of eight housemates have today approached The Whip to express their utter astonishment that Edward Dudlam, their 93-year-old neighbour, does not share their love for heavy, repetitive techno.

After celebrating their first fortnight of second year with a 16-hour upper rave, it became apparent that Mr Dudlam did not, in fact, favour the works of artists such as Bicep, Denis Sulta and Midland.

“We were playing some absolute bangers and it was only 3am,” lead tenant Aaron Rhys told The Whip, “but all he kept doing was knocking on the door and telling us to turn that shit off.

“We were pretty gobsmacked to be honest, we didn’t know what to think. How can he possibly live in Leeds and not be into techno? Plus, he lives in fucking Hyde Park – we just assumed everyone was sound.

“I guess he’s probably more of a deep house guy? Yeah, that’ll be it.”

The Whip approached Mr Dudlam for a statement.

“I was a roadie with the Stones for nearly a decade so I quite welcome being able to hear any music. That absolute shite though? I much preferred the metalhead emos who lived there last year.

“Let me tell you, a couple of grams of that horse tranquilizer bullshit and a few stripes? They need to grow up”