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Leeds UK

Breakout room easy to break out of; just close Zoom

Along with Strava and our beloved billionaires, Breakout Rooms are the real winners of the pandemic.

Seminar leaders love them: they lock you away for twenty minutes whilst they have a cup of tea and watch an episode of Friends. Students hate them: brief discussion of the seminar topic soon gives way to small talk which in turn gives way to frosty silence. Yet news emerged this morning which has rocked the virtual conferencing world. 

The Whip spoke to 2nd year History student, Casey Closed who achieved the unfathomable –  breaking out of a breakout room. 

“I was in a seminar learning about the history of history books and I thought, ‘crikey, this is shit.’ No one was talking, no cameras on. It was painstakingly painful. The final straw came when we were put into Breakout Rooms for 25 minutes. Now that’s just inhumane! I had to get out of there. The red cross in the corner of the screen looked so god damn alluring, that I just couldn’t resist. I pressed it and bang – I’d broken out.”

This revelation is sure to be a game changer for students who now enter Breakout Rooms, knowing that salvation from their cyber prison is just a crimson click away.

The virtual ball is back in the seminar leaders’ virtual court, how will they respond? Only time will tell, but one thing is for sure: discussion will not be facilitated.

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Featured Leeds

Bender deprived student reluctantly aces degree

During these times without precedent, unprecedented times if you will, people the world over are having to find new ways to entertain themselves as so many passions, hobbies and side-hustles are lost to the lockdown void.

Some have thrown themselves into new Covid friendly hobbies like baking, knitting or staring forlornly into the middle distance for 6-8 hours a day. Others have adapted their hobbies; The Whip has received reports of a group of Chess fanatics who’ve been playing outdoor Chess using stray cats they spray paint and dress like Chess pieces (Horsey, little one that there’s loads of, Queen Elizabeth II etc). Some, however, have had to seek enjoyment elsewhere, and find new ways to stave off boredom. One such person is first year Tim O’Greedy who, with clubs closed for the foreseeable, has had to resort to consistently getting 80+ in all his marked work so far this year. The Whip caught up with him to find out more.

“I came to Uni expecting to barely scrape into second year, that was always my aim. First year was going to be dedicated to weeklong benders without surrender, putting my mind, body and spirit through the gauntlet of debauchery and hedonism. In second year, I’d knuckle down, buy a diffuser, start freezing my meals and become a functioning member of society, but I’ve had to abandon my plans like David Cameron abandoned his daughter at the pub that one time. With no recourse to public partying I’ve been left with no option but to absolutely smash my degree, which is the last thing I wanted to do.”

Boogying till sunrise has become book-reading till about 8pm, the spot on the wall where high rise tickets would be pinned now has a reminder to ‘clean under fridge’, where empty bottles once proudly lined the windowsill, a well-tended bonsai tree and a mug full of paperclips now sit. Tim however, remains optimistic.

“This is temporary, at the end of the day, I didn’t come to Uni to get a degree, and no pandemic is going to change that. As soon as I can, I’ll be back out there ignoring deadlines and being generally useless.”

And we here at The Whip say, that is a terrible idea Tim but you do you. 

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Featured Leeds UK

Opinion: Sneezing in your mask is like shitting yourself

It’s a cold, crisp morning as I make my way to Aldi to buy some more yellow food and a pack of bananas. The pavements aren’t busy, so I’m able to enjoy the oral freedom of a no-masking fresh air bonanza, sneezing at will and spitting on the floor like there’s no tomorrow.

I cross the car park and reach into my pocket for my brightly coloured facemask. I enter the store and fail to acquire a wheelie basket, but I don’t mind. It’s been a relaxing walk down, a nice morning to set me up for the rest of the week, and I’ve meticulously constructed an aisle-by-aisle shopping list that maximises efficiency and minimises social encounters.

As I peruse the bread section, I feel the faint tingling of a sneeze in my nose. I chuckle beneath my mask, “you’re going to have to do more than that to make this guy sneeze”.

I venture forth unto the vegetable aisle and ask a member of staff if they have any fennel, “we don’t” comes the response. “It’s a bulbous root vegetable” I retort. “Ok, we don’t have it” comes the curt reply. No matter, I plough on.

I find myself by the cheese section, debating whether to break protocol and add an alien block of Red Leicester to my basket. Alas, I’m not brave enough to question the list and my sense of duty urges me to move on.

But then, it happens, opposite the stock cubes…the tingly sneeze returns. Before I have time to pull my mask down and form a protective dab over my mouth, I released a globule of snot into my ethically sourced hand knitted facemask that would make the troll from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets weep salty salty troll tears. 

What is this feeling? Why do I feel so ashamed? Why do I feel like everyone is looking at me?

As I pack my shopping wearing my snot dampened mask, I know that my brain has gone into auto-pilot, my trusted facemask has tricked me into thinking that I’ve shat myself, right there in the middle of Aldi. The same feeling of guilt and embarrassment is there, the same feeling of bodily fluid on skin and the same feeling of helplessness. An opinion piece? Perhaps not – but what is opinion when faced with the cold hard fact of reality?

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Featured Leeds UK

New Covid strain ‘so trippy and way less mongy’ says unbearable flatmate

This week worrying news broke of a new highly infectious strain of Covid-19 ravaging Tory strongholds in the South East of England, causing panic in Waitrose and the emergence of Tier 4: Continental Drift. With today’s press conference confirming that 2021 will most likely be a sad continuation of the previous year there remains much interest in the new variant. 

However, The Whip has learned that there are some characteristics of the new mutation that the mainstream media have mysteriously omitted from their daily bulletins, begging the question: has Chris Whitty even tried this new strain?

According to that unbearable prick in your flat (if you can’t think of who that is, take a long look at yourself), the new strain is “so trippy and way less mongy”. The Whip caught up with amateur researcher Tia Foreman, who released the information late on Saturday night at a fairly bleak post-travel-window-pre-drinks.

“Yeah I tried it this week, I had a number for a guy from Kent, Nasal Drops 💯, who had managed to get his hands on the new strain” said the serial family disappointment and Sports Management first-year (not necessarily linked). “He texted me “outside in 30”, and 4 hours later I was in his car getting a gram of the new strain which as it turns out was just a bag of his spit.

“I’ve even thought of a name for it, Purple Lung Dogg, so I hope they start using that in the daily briefings, just as some recognition for my research. Was the 2 week isolation period and the danger I put Nana in worth it? That’s for you to decide – but the visuals were so sick and I didn’t even feel tired, it just gave me a lovely dry cough and I felt bare hot. It was a nice change from the normal strain, I’ve had it so often I’ve kind of got a tolerance, you get me?” 

The Whip believes she meant ‘immune’, but hastened to leave the meeting rather than correcting her. 

We can only speculate on whether Tia’s research is of use to the government, although we have suspicions the answer is: is it fuck.

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Featured Leeds UK

London based turkeys gobble sigh of relief

On Saturday afternoon the Government announced that London and much of the South East were being placed in the newest member of the ‘Botched Pandemic Response Cinematic Universe’, Coronavirus Tier 4.

While to the uneducated observer Tier 4 might look like another Lockdown, it isn’t because the Government said so… alright?

With the very spirit of Christmas now hanging in the balance, the people of Britain have been searching for a glimmer of hope, a fragment of festive joy and after much research we at The Whip couldn’t find any.

However, amongst the burgeoning turkey population in the South of England, there is cause for celebration. With Christmases across the region cancelled, millions of turkeys have been freed from their traditional roles, and the future for turkeys has never looked brighter.

The Whip caught up with human-turkey spokesperson Russel Sprouts, to hear how the news has positively impacted the turkey community.

“Turkeys have never been under any illusions that Christmas is when they’re at their most popular, they’re like Michael Bublé in that respect. But much like Michael Bublé, they exist throughout the rest of the year, and have ambitions beyond just the festive period.

“The relief is palpable – absolutely! They’ll be gobbling on the streets of Turkey Town tonight, of that I’m sure. We just hope that turkeys can seize this opportunity and try and reframe themselves as pets, pack animals or therapy animals – although our last therapy turkey went rogue at an orphanage and had to be incinerated…with a balsamic reduction.”

A blue Christmas for many this year, but think of the turkeys and those lumpy fleshy sack things they have on their necks and you can’t help but retch a bit.

Categories
Leeds

‘A man with new ideas is a madman, until his ideas triumph’ says flat mate poaching egg in microwave

Some say innovation is born out of adversity, akin to the immense pressure exerted in the formation of rare gems. This was certainly the feeling of Hyde Park resident Michael Waver when, with egg prematurely cracked early one morning, he found all four hobs occupied by the unwieldy pots and pans of fellow flatmates.

Most would flounder in these dire circumstances, but we caught up with the self-proclaimed ‘Bielsa of Baking’ to find out how he overcame such obstacles.

“Yeah so basically there I was, cracked egg in hand, proverbial one on face, when I suddenly thought: What would Bielsa do? I immediately dismissed taking a mid table Championship side and getting them promoted to the Prem with limited funds and a commitment to expansive attractive football and instead marched straight to the microwave whilst my housemates looked on in disbelief and disdain. The result was a perfectly poached egg and the respect and adoration of my house.”

Whilst some of his housemates dispute this recollection of events by claiming “the hobs were free, he’s just a lazy slob”, and some even reporting that he binned the monstrosity after the first bite, The Whip congratulates Mr. Waver on his revolutionary zeal.

We speculate what is next for this michelin maverick: Bacon in the toaster? Beans on the radiator? An England call up for Patrick Bamford?

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Leeds Uncategorised

‘What are we even paying for’ says student with 23% attendance

Petitions, protests and posting in the group formerly known as ‘Leeds Uni Tickets’. These are just some of the ways students have been holding this irksome government to account. But one particularly passionate Facebook rant posted late last night has left Nick Clegg quaking in his boots. 

The post garnered many reactions, several comments and even a few shares. But news emerged this morning that casts doubt over the validity of the complaint. Our sources this morning reported that the author, Kat Shelton, boasts an attendance record of just 23%.

This morning we caught up with Kat, who could not remember what course she is on. 

“I just think the University should be doing more. I want more. I’m not sure what exactly, but I definitely want more of it. 9 grand a year for what? A couple of contact hours, avoiding all my formative assessments and never submitting essay plans? I can only imagine how angry I’d be if my parents weren’t paying for my fees.”

“I don’t think my attendance is relevant, if anything it’s something of a protest. If I don’t go to seminars I’m basically sticking two fingers up at the Vice Chancellor, which is cool. I’m the Yoko Ono of Leeds, I’m on a 12 week bed-in. Not a slacker, because slackers aren’t political”

What this poetic expression of anger means for the future of tuition fees, The Whip can only speculate. One thing for sure however, all attendance emails will be ignored. 

When asked if she turned her camera on in seminars, Kat simply replied “no comment”.

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Featured Leeds

3 Wise Men Miss Travel Window; Forced to Remain in Lupton for Christmas

The Christmas student travel window, the joyous icing on the cake after a term of restrictions and happiness-destroying government policies, has now drawn to a close.

Unbeknownst to many students, however, is that the window had no room for negotiation and has now been slammed shut, bolted and barred as a Hyde Park house window so often isn’t.

In a festive turn of events, amongst those confined to student accommodation are the three wise men. Less than halfway through their annual piss-up tour to Bethlehem the kings have found themselves in a mid-range, shared bathroom, single room surrounded by students who have forgotten what the city of Leeds looks like.

Unfortunate for the students and wise men alike, not only has the M62 been lined with student-spotting snipers but the M6 has sniffer dogs at every lay-by, trained to sense the slightest whiff of 2in1 shampoo on a Leeds boy’s head upon their late escape from James Baillie.

The Whip caught up with all three wise men for a comment on this dangerously depressing situation: Unfortunately, no one here at The Whip speaks ancient arameic so we were unable to understand a word they were saying.

We can confirm that the three wise men are making good use of their time in Lupton by creating their own Soundcloud rap group and teaching trapped students how to get creative with bottles of myrrh. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, after all. 

Categories
Leeds

Leeds University to become first ‘Air Free’ campus in attempt to curb Coronavirus spread

After nailing its 2020/21 goal of getting every student to question paying £9000 a year to talk to a grainy apparition of a balding academic on a Lenovo laptop, Leeds University has an exciting new initiative on the horizon. 

From the brains behind the successful, effective and hugely popular ‘Smoke Free’ campus we all know and love, comes an ‘Air Free’, and Covid safe, campus. 

Ever catch yourself feeling the need to breathe? Not with that pesky virus about! They’ll be no sneaking outside Eddy B for a cheeky puff of oxygen or trekking to the edge of campus for a drag of fresh gust. Using the same technology created to render the moon uninhabitable for humans, the air free campus will add Coronavirus to the long list of things not in university this term. 

The Whip received this statement from Leeds University, to announce their new initiative.

“At The University of Leeds, our student’s safety is our number five priority, after money, big cylinders of nonsense, cool new buildings and money. An air free campus is the exact sort of ingenuity we want to foster here at Shell Corp University of Leeds. We don’t know how the government hasn’t thought of it yet, it’s just so obvious!”

Free from in-person lectures, free from social events, free from joy, and now free from air, Leeds University boasts to be the first academic institution to transform entirely into a vacuum of misery. But at least you got a free plant and a chat about your mental health in time!

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Featured Leeds

Hyde Park house celebrate end of lockdown by throwing house party last week

With Leeds officially today hurtling full speed out of Lockdown into the brick wall that is Tier 3, many residents are looking forward to their newfound freedoms.

Some residents in fact, were so excited at the prospect of an end to Lockdown 2: Re-locked that they decided to pre-emptively throw a lavish house party, Rita Ora style, whilst the country was still in the midst of Lockdown II: Down and Out in Lockdown City.

The Whip caught up with irresponsible reveller Justin Kace to find out more.

“Firstly, I’d like to say, no comment. But secondly, I’d like to say, it was only about 30 people AND we operated a strict one in one out policy when we danced the Hokey Cokey at 5:30am. Is it bad to throw a house party while we’re still in Lockdown? Undoubtedly yes. But we just got so over excited at the thought of being allowed back into gyms that we exercised our right to a pre gym opening boogie.”

Whilst The Whip strongly condemn such brazen acts of medical defiance, and question the validity of pre-emptive celebration, we have uncovered similar such events from the annals of history.

In the 1954 FA Cup final for instance, Preston North End pre-emptively celebrated defeating West Bromwich Albion 3-0 a week before the final took place, only to lose the final 3-2. Whilst at the 2008 Oscars, a confident Graham Norton threw himself a ‘Best Director Winner’ party two weeks earlier than the ceremony, before being deemed ineligible for the award as he had never directed a film in his life.

What can we learn from these events? You work it out I’m not here to spoon feed you like some massive idiot baby.

Categories
Leeds

Confused hedonist dedicates 6-day bender to ‘Madonna’

As news broke last week of the death of Diego Maradona, football fans and party lovers across the world came together in remembrance of an icon and a troubled hero.

Celebrations of his life continued over the weekend as The Whip learned of a more unconventional tribute occurring right here in Hyde Park, which saw a second year Politics student retrospectively justify his 6 day bender to honour, in his own words, “my hero, rest in peace Madonna”.

The Whip spoke exclusively to well-meaning mourner, Barry Noeclew, about his expression of grief.

“What can I say? I just wanted to Justify My Love. We all make mistakes and Vogue is one of my favourite songs,” said the second year Politics student, who hadn’t heard of Diego Maradona until people pulled him up on his mistake.

“I really think Madonna should think about rebranding herself, because they just sound too similar. You know, if I’ve made the mistake, think how many other thought-deprived nonsense spouters made the same one?”

Noeclew went on to tell us about his good friend Dick Forebrayns, who laid a wreath outside the church next to OneStop as a misguided tribute to Medal of Honour, his favourite game, which he had also got confused with the Argentine legend.

“When you say all their names very quickly, it’s hard to tell the difference, it’s not until you write all three names down that you realise how big a mistake we both made. In the end we were awake for 100 straight hours, paintballed a Vauxhall Corsa and performed a pitch perfect rendition of Islands in the Stream, so it’s probably what all three of them would have wanted.”

The Whip can confirm that the developers of Medal of Honour were quick to distance themselves from Noeclew and Forebrayns, while Madonna’s team refused to comment on the phone and promptly Hung Up.

Categories
Leeds

New Otley Run Just Going for a Run in Otley

As pubs around West Yorkshire keep their lines dry for the foreseeable future many students find themselves left in the lurch. The inability to revel in drunken debauchery has had the bizarre effect of turning the run-of-the-mill-functioning-alcoholic of a student into a health obsessed, lycra clad joggers doing laps of Hyde Park in the middle of winter. 

Thanks to lockdown 2.0, the infamous Otley Run has become a 1.5-mile trail of broken dreams; an apocalyptic ghost town where drunken students dressed in always offensive and rarely original fancy dress once roamed free.

If you listen closely, echoes of “shall we go to the next one” and “you know I’ve always been a pubs over clubs kinda guy” can still be heard floating on the wind.

Instead of this iconic but fairly underwhelming pub crawl, a “new normal” has emerged: a nightmare hellscape of exercise where pints and shitty costumes are replaced with crisp Yorkshire tap water and unironic sweatbands.

For the full experience, bring your housemates and make it authentic by losing them halfway and reconvening at Dry Dock for a thirsty yet sweaty reunion . 

By the time the Leeds freshers grace these halls once again, the Otley Run will be but a 5k Instagram challenge that nobody really cares about yet you still feel guilty not for doing.